“Honey, it’s time we had the conversation.”

“You mean, are we getting serious?”

“No.”

“The ‘is this going to be exclusive’ talk?”

“No.”

“The ‘do you ever want kids someday’ talk?”

“No.”

“Moving in together? Making plans to meet my parents?”

“No, I need to tell you that I would trade up if I found someone 37% better than you, and now you need to tell me your corresponding percentage.”

[a deadly silence falls]