Edit : I appreciate all the PoVs and I will reply to everyone. This is important to me. Just going to go rest a bit and I’ll be back.

Edit : Leaving the self-insulting language in, but yeah… Point taken, I should stop being so mean to myself. And to add another FYI, I’ve been on this codebase for about 3 months, which I probably should have mentioned.

I have no idea what is wrong with me. I get tasks, I work on them, they NEVER seem to close. Meanwhile everyone around me is left and right solving their issues. I reach out for a second opinion because I must just be stupid, and every time I reach out the person is never able to assist in any meaningful way.

It’s like my tasks always have blockers that everyone around me seems perplexed by, I get a lot of, “Wow, that’s crazy,” or, “Yeah your job does seem to have a lot of unusual blockers.”

I’m at the point where I’m in a daily meeting where I explain what I’m working on to a senior dev because obviously they noticed I’m a person on the team with sometimes zero points in a whole month. It’s so discouraging to have to go to a daily meeting because apparently I’m stupid? The thing is, when I explain what I’m blocked by, every person has said, “Oh weird, this seems like a really confusing task.” Or, “Damn I’ve never seen anything like that.”

So obviously I look at other peoples’ tasks… what are they working on? And their tasks are SO simple and straightforward, yet I’ve NEVER had a task like that, all my tasks were opened years ago, remained open for months or years, then were assigned to me. And they’re all fucky. Wth.

Tbh I’m running out of things to write because I don’t want to justify it, because I feel like I should be doing better. What the hell is wrong with me?

I have wanted to change jobs for close to two years now… but you’ve all interacted with recruiters… they never help, and job search is impossible as a person with anxiety and possibly autism?

I love coding, I hate my coding environment… Anyone else ever have this type of issue in programming?

  •  originalucifer   ( @originalucifer@moist.catsweat.com ) 
    2•8 months ago

    i took french for 5 years. i cannot speak french. i love the language, and i try… but i could never become fluent like my classmates.

    i dont know what the answer is for you, but maybe, you need to switch gears to something programming-related instead of hands on coding.

    •  stembolts   ( @stembolts@programming.dev ) OP
      1•8 months ago

      Yeah, I’ve thought a lot about this. Thing is, to advance to something else usually you need to excel in what you are doing, yeah? So seems like that isn’t in the cards, I pass out from stress naps almost every day at 6p, possibly due to anxiety which compounds the whole experience… kinda just hate waking up every morning at this point.

      I worked SO hard to get into this field, and I love creating things… but nothing ever seems to come together for me. Decided to write this post out of exhausted frustration as my eyes burn… the sun isn’t even down and I’m so beat I just want to sleep.