Aunt: I’m going to Walmart, do you need anything?
Me: no thanks, I’m going there later to do some shopping myself
Aunt: But we could combine trips! It’s wasteful to both drive there on the same day! The responsible thing to do—
Me: ok, I give up. Please get me cat litter and cat snacks.
Aunt: Ok!!! :)) Which ones? And what isle? What color is the package—
Me: exasperated Are you serious? I caved and gave you what you wanted. Now you’re asking for more information? I told you I wanted to do my own shopping, and you fought me on it. I’m making a peace offering by giving you two items to buy for me, and you’re saying I need to go find the names and package colors and isle numbers? Please just be satisfied with what I gave you.
The thing that she wants is to feel good about buying me something. But I don’t want that. That’s the disagreement.
I imagine most people would see me as the asshole here: she can’t buy the right item if I don’t tell her what it is. But I clearly don’t care about those details; if I wanted something specific I would have told her that. The only reason I mentioned them was to appease her. I’m giving her something she wanted, something I wanted for myself, and she’s demanding more.
I imagine most people would see me as the asshole here
From posting that and fighting against everyone who disagreed with you here it seems like you already knew you messed up and are just posting here seeking for validation.
As much as you and I hate it social interaction isn’t purely logical or transectional. It’s not like a videogame where if you do this then the other character should do that. It’s messy and there are many unspoken rules and it can change from person to person. If you truly want to learn how to be more so sociable and truly reflect if you’d been an asshole then, take some advice from the comments. Learn to say no more gently, learn to see and anticipate what others need, etc.
it seems like you already knew you messed up
I’m sorry but this is wrong, despite what it seemed like. I’m trying to get some outside perspective; that doesn’t mean I’m obligated to accept hurtful speculation about my relationship. If someone offers me a glass of beer with piss in it, I’m not required to extend gratitude. If you sense me “fighting against everyone who disagreed with me” then you can keep your beer. Scroll down friend, I’ve gotten what I needed from people with better emotional regulation than you. Some of the folks that I disagreed with in this post have offered insight for which I’ve responded appropriately. This isn’t about you, stop being a dick.
Do you hear how adversarial you are here? You’re actually insulting someone and acting like you have the high moral ground.
Buddy, I’m not sure if you should be criticizing someone else’s emotional regulation.
Why not followup with - ‘it doesn’t matter the color brand flavor or type of litter, and the pet cat isle, thanks you for grabbing these items for me’.
I don’t see why you’d get upset with a logical follow-up clarification question
I didn’t follow up because I was already pushed past my limit. My aunt and I disagreed because we both wanted a thing, and only one of us could have it. I caved and gave it to her, and she asked for more.
I got upset with a logical follow-up clarification question for the reason in my original post (lol): “I clearly don’t care about those details; if I wanted something specific I would have told her that. The only reason I mentioned them was to appease her.”
Then you should be saying that to your aunt, instead of losing your patience. People aren’t MIND readers. It is as easy as “I will use any brands you buy.”
If you get this irate over normal life (consistantly), then you should talk to a professional.
Edit: asks if I’m the asshole? Gets irate when people say yes. :). If the issue is your aunt being overbearing check out the DEARMAN principle. It will help you with relations.
It’s been a month and you still haven’t answered my question: “I should? What else should I be doing in this relationship?”.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer. Your refusal to answer my question means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
Your last comment to me a month ago was that you blocked me on your instance.
LOL now you want a reply?
As you can see by all your downvotes, in every thread here, your opinion does not match the general population ~ to whom you posed your original question. A rational person would deduce that they themselves may be in the wrong if their opinion is not so widely shared.
As the other responder clearly stated you are only looking for validation when your feelings were troubling you, you don’t actually want advice on how to interact better. So time to move on from this topic.
I should? What else should I be doing in this relationship? Lol. You keep saying I should get help, but I think you’re got a weird idea about what help is. Seems like your idea of “help” is minimizing other people’s pain and ignoring context when it’s convenient. I’ll pass, thanks. I’m going to ban you from my instance so you won’t be able to respond like this any further, it’s hurtful and I deserve better.
I can’t interpret your comments in this thread any other way than that you are seeking not help, but validation for your unwillingness to grow.
The idea of help you’re complaining about is quite consistent with good help according to the local lemmyites it seems, and I have to agree. Are you quite sure you’re not minimizing others pain and ignoring context when it’s convenient for you? Just because your pain is real does not mean you are free of responsibility.
This is exactly the kind of thing professional help is ideal for. Let an expert guide you in discovering ways you might change your views and behavior such that your needs are better met. Shaking your fist at the world isn’t going to make you one iota happier, no matter how well justified your anger might be.
Very much so
Goodness! That’s a lot! Why do you think it’s so severe?
Because someone who seems to care about you is trying to help and you wish only to belittle them and their good nature. Pure jerk vibes.
It’s been a month and you still haven’t responded to my point.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer. Your refusal to answer me means your position cannot withstand scrutiny.
I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
It’s been a rough month dude. Ever since your post, I realised I needed to change my perspective and I’ve been happier ever since!
Now every time someone wants to help me, I yell at them and call them a selfish piece of shit. It’s awesome! Also, I joined my local council to make sure that all the local NGOs who enjoy helping others don’t receive any further funding because, just yuck! I tore up the local schools because there was a teacher there who once thought she was being nice by trying to make kid’s lives better, even though the kids didn’t want her help.
It was a lot of hard work to achieve this all within a month, but thank you for showing me the light and how to be a giant turd. . . . . . . . .
Also, I did reply to you, you absolute turtle.
“I want x from you”
“No, I don’t want to give you x”
“Argument”
The specifics of x (in this case, buying something for someone else) aren’t relevant. Saying that the person who demands x is caring and the person who wants to keep it is belittling their good nature doesn’t make any sense and I doubt I’ll ever understand your quality of thinking but thanks for trying, I guess. 🫱
Do you often play the victim in life?
I’m going down to this level, because none of your arguments are made in good faith… You seem like an absolute spoilt cunt.
In such a situation, just lie.
“Need anything from the store?”
“No” (private subtext, I just want to do my own shopping and have some time out of the house)
Later… Once they are home:
“See you in a bit, I need to got the store. Silly me didn’t think of a few things I needed when you asked earlier. Bye”
I wish I had done this instead. It feels so shady, but I think it’s the least harmful way of avoiding these types of conflicts. Ugh. Thanks. I’ll consider it for the next time.
Remember it’s hardly a lie because they have an unspoken part of their question:
"Want anything from the store [that you want me to get for you… Including sufficient detail for me to find and select it]?
So think of your white lie “no” as more addressing the latter part
Imagine you needed something very very expensive, or something that takes a long time for the staff to make. You shouldn’t expect someone to front the money or wait a long time, if you are capable of doing it yourself.
Just saying it isn’t really shady, it’s just a social adjustment
Yup
It’s been a month and you still haven’t answered my question: “why do you think so?”.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer. Your refusal to answer my question means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
Why do you think so?
Yes.
That discussion is way fewer iterations than when I’m over and having it with my parents, and you’re spending way more energy on it than needed. In the end it’s just a back-and-forth non-sappy silly “I care about you”, and reacting as you did is basically replying “Fuck you and your caring”. Yeah, you’re a jerk, or socially inept.
This is how my responses would be: “Not now, thanks”, “Nah, anything I should look at while you’re gone?”, " Nah", “Nah”, " Nah", “Nah, bye”.
Also I fail to see how you could not care about the type of litter. Clumping/non-clumping/silicate/pellets are all so different to use. Poor kitty.
No, that’s fine. You’re allowed to think those things to yourself. We all do from time to time. Just don’t fucking say it out loud, obviously. Can you imagine??
I get it. It’s a pain when people offer help that makes more mental load or work for you.
Do you know if you’re neurodiverse? That sounds like maybe a meltdown. I have people in my life that have only two modes: ok and not ok. The difference can be .000002 over the line into not ok but there isn’t a correlation between the amount over the line and the amount of not ok. It’s good or bad and nothing is between.
Very much yes. It sounds like you’re going to find something, anything to lash out at her about. If she came home with the wrong ones it would be that.
Edit: but also, she should respect your wishes if you want to do your own shopping
Thanks for the edit. I’m validated to know that a double-read was necessary to fully understand my position.
IMO it’s nice she asked, but she should be able to take no for an answer. Insisting is kind of weird tbh. If you have your own means of getting there and not using her car/gas for example then she should drop it after the no.
Your feelings are valid!
oh my god thanks.
Yeah, that was a jerk thing to do.
I think your aunt was trying to be helpful and efficient by doing you a favour. And it’s okay to not know everything like a store employee when asked questions like “what aisle”, just be like “I dunno what aisle” or “look in the pet section for cat stuff”.
If you didn’t care which type then fine, say as much, if you do care then just send the online listing, write down or print out (if your aunt is computer-challenged) the kind you want. Your aunt is preemptively trying to avoid you being disappointed by getting the wrong litter/snack. It’s like 3 minutes of effort for you to save an hour or two of your day.
If you for whatever reason really want to go separately on your own then just insist “I want to go pick out the specific package myself”, but leaving things ambiguous while getting upset and hostile over it is good for nobody.
You really should tell people what you’re feeling when there’s a disagreement like this. If she wants to grab you things from the store when you’re looking forward to going yourself, tell her you’re looking forward to it. All you told her at the start was that you were intending to go, not why.
And while you later characterize it as a fight, you actually caved preemptively if this transcript is accurate. You felt this would become a fight and headed that hypothetical fight off but all that actually happened was she was stating her case and you said “okay”. She has no reason to view that conversation as a point of tension in need of resolving, no reason to view the request for cat supplies as a peace offering the way that you do.
Lastly, when you don’t tell somebody specifics, they don’t automatically know whether you feel the specifics are irrelevant or you forgot to mention them or you just assumed they should already know them. These are all plausible scenarios and in the majority of them you have a preference and could be let down if it is not fulfilled. Since you’re the sort of person to blow up at somebody for offenses they didn’t know they were committing, she’s right to be worried about failing you. She wasn’t demanding you give her anything, and in situations like that you’re always free to tell them there’s nothing to give. “No preference what kinds. I don’t know what aisle it is, you should ask somebody at the store.”
That’s all ways to think about these sorts of things in the future. What I suggest for right now is that you go back and relay the same core of this whole thing to her that you relayed to us:
The thing that she wants is to feel good about buying me something. But I don’t want that. That’s the disagreement.
If you lay out in plain terms this disconnect between the kind of considerate you see she’s trying to be and the kind of considerate you need people to be, that would probably help her a lot.
You can use the ‘oh I get whatever is on sale’ method and just bypass most of the particulars. I get your frustration on the matter, but it I only takes a moment to fill in the blanks. If it’s really not right you can return it later for whatever the right thing is. You were planning to go anyways.
I imagine most people would see me as the asshole here
No, I just think you should probably search for the underlying issue, cause the cat litter ain’t it.
My guess would be undiagnosed autism, but an internet diagnosis is always bullshit anyway.