What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
What’s brown and red and sticky?
Another bloody stick.
Two muffins are in an oven.
One goes, “It sure is hot in here.”
The other muffin says, “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”
I didn’t invent this but I was really proud that I ‘got’ this readers digest joke from the bathroom copy when I was 10? and it’s stuck with me.
Person A is on the elevator and Person B gets on
Person A: “You look like Helen Brown”
Person B: “You don’t look so good in black either”
The stupidest joke I ever heard that has stuck with me for some reason:
How are Santa and a plum alike? They’re both purple, except for Santa.
When I was younger I memorized this in three (3) steps to use at zero (0) family gatherings… is it cheating if my stupidest joke is the only one I can recall instantly? :]
Warning: this joke is so ancient, it’s sepia-toned.
An engineer and a doctor were arguing about who had the harder job. To prove his might, the engineer decided to open a clinic, betting he’d be a successful doctor:
“If we can cure you, you pay $500; if we can’t, we pay you $1,000.”
Of course the doctor saw the proverbial button immediately. The guy didn’t even have a license! So the doc went straight to the clinic as his first patient.
Doc: “Sir, I have lost my sense of taste.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doc: “Blawrgh! This is gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The doctor leaves, fuming. But not to be beaten, he goes back after a few days – he can still leave with a profit if he plays this right.
Doc: “Sir, I have lost my memory.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doc: “What, no! That’s gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The doctor leaves pissed. Buuut, doc comes back after a few days — he needs to at least break even, right? So, more determined than before, he brings a cane and says:
Doc: “Sir, I’ve gone blind.”
Engineer: disappointed “Well, unfortunately I don’t have any medicine for that. Take this $1,000.”
Doc: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”
It’s green and goes downhill. A skiwi.
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“I know a great ‘knock, knock’ joke. Start it off, okay?”
Q: Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'd’s in his name?
A: Because without them he’d be called Ewar Woowar.
What’s the difference between a duck?
A wingspan?
Whenever my passwords are insecure, I offer them a few encouraging words.
Here’s a really dumb one I made up that my husband loves for some reason.
Q: What did the leprechaun say when he was kicked in the balls?
A: Menard’s!
Woman buying a fish: “Do you have a plastic bag with that?” Fishmonger: “There is already one in the fish mam”
I went to a zoo recently and it was just a dog.It was a shitzu.
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