• hkspowers ( hkspowers@lemmy.today ) English
    32·
    9 months ago

    This seems more like an example of procrastination not technical debt. Technical debt as I understand it requires a previous decision to impeed new decisions/progress because it wasn’t done properly the first time.

    A better example would be he wants to add a brick chimney to the roof but can’t because the roof is made of straw thatch and can’t support the weight, so it would need to be rebuilt first out of timber, and then a chimmney can be added.

    • Michal ( Michal@programming.dev ) 
      24·
      9 months ago

      It’s an abstract analogy but i think it works… When the roof is really needed, it’s not possible to fix it because rain / deadline.

      When it’s sunny, no deadlines, the hole doesn’t impede any work, so there’s no need to fix it, difficult to convince PM that it needs fixing.

      • pmk ( pmk@piefed.ca ) English
        9·
        9 months ago

        I’m sorry to hear that. How are you doing now? If you don’t mind me asking, if there was a point where things were still salvageable, do you think you were both aware of the direction things were heading? Did the realization come at the same time for both of you, or at different times that it was beyond that point? What were the critical signs?

        • SoleInvictus ( SoleInvictus@lemmy.blahaj.zone ) 
          3·
          9 months ago

          Better! We’re working it out, so that’s good, but we have over a decade of things to go through, plus working on ourselves as individuals. It’s exhausting.

          My partner was the one to pull the divorce card, actually with no warning whatsoever. It’s so appropriate for a relationship that turned out to be significantly defined by poor communication.

          In retrospect, the critical signs were pretty obvious, but we both mistook them for other things. We had become very emotionally disconnected, but we were preparing for a huge move out of the country with a small pack of house pets so each of us thought that’s why the other was stressed. This actually was true for me while my partner was stressed because they wanted to run screaming but didn’t feel comfortable saying anything.

          We had both been withholding some major concerns about the other throughout our relationship, so each had a second, secret narrative that wasn’t being discussed or challenged in couples counseling. Plus we both have CPTSD from shitty childhoods and have cross-reactive behavior. Lots of angst here.

          This stuff can sneak up on you if you don’t have healthy habits that help identify and prevent it, but it’s clear as day once you learn. We’re getting there and we’ll be better people for it, but it’s brutal sometimes and we’re just at the beginning.

          • pmk ( pmk@piefed.ca ) English
            2·
            9 months ago

            Oh, then there’s hope :) It sounds like there’s been a lot of introspection and a will to change course. Does she feel the same?
            For me I’ve been the one saying that our current lifestyle is not working for me. I’ve been saying it for 6 months and I don’t know what more I can do at this point. I wish I had hope. We have good days, but the fundamental issues remain.

            • SoleInvictus ( SoleInvictus@lemmy.blahaj.zone ) 
              2·
              9 months ago

              There has been a lot of talk about their intent to change, but I fear I still see them leaning hard on the same maladaptive coping mechanisms that helped get us here. It’s still early yet, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned. I drew up a plan that I’m following, so I’m just waiting until I have enough info to know to continue or divorce.

              I’m sorry you’re feeling frustrated and hopeless about your relationship. It’s really demoralizing when the other person doesn’t want to hear there’s an issue, or understands but there are issues with them working on it. I’ve experienced both from both sides and understand it’s often more complex than it seems, but it still comes down to if they have the commitment and follow through necessary to make positive, sustained change, because that’s hard to do. Really hard.

              If I may provide some unsolicited advice, couples counseling can be great. If you go that route or have already and want to try again, I’d recommend seeing a therapist that specializes in couples and is experienced in providing therapy for any conditions present, like ADHD, borderline personality disorder, or PTSD. The Gottman Method is great. Couples counseling is also most effective in conjunction with individual counseling, so partners can really dig into their own experience and what they bring to the relationship.

  • cassandrafatigue ( cassandrafatigue@lemmy.dbzer0.com ) 
    7·
    9 months ago

    More like: you know when you get home after a long day and you just toss your clothes wherever, then when you wash them you just toss the clean clothes on your bed rather than putting them away properly because ‘i know which ones are clean’?

    Tech debt is all the minutes you spend in the morning and each week on laundry day, sniffing stuff to see if it needs to be washed, and the massive organizational task you’ll have to do if you ever buy lots more clothes or think you might bring company to bed or ever have to move to a new place.

    Or: ‘tech debt is at home in the mirror. That is its address.’ ‘yeah I hate kids.’