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Consent education isn’t JUST about identifying when consent happens, its about teaching people that it matters.
I was about to comment this and then I saw yours.
This exactly. Nobody who isn’t an actual psychopath doesn’t understand what “consent” means. (Sure there’s edge cases that might need some work, but they’re not as common as people make them out to be.)
The issue isn’t that men don’t know. It’s that, as you said, they don’t care. They face no meaningful consequences so … hey, why not?
Psychopaths understand. They just don’t care.
A lot of the time I think I haven’t been clear enough that I dont want sex, I’m always so confused when it happens. I have ptsd from a rape that almost killed me, now my response to any advances is to freeze up and dissociate
Anyeay, I’m ace, and I tried dating someone on an ace specific site. We met up at an Airbnb (we lived in different states), and I kept saying that it made me uncomfortable how many men take my playful conversation style and laughter as an invitation to sex. And that under no circumstances did I want that. You can probably guess what happened.
I haven’t dated since then, because it’s apparently the only way I can be safe. I don’t think all men are like this, and I’m sure a couple would be horrified if they realized I wasn’t consenting.
I’m sorry that happened to you, and I hope you’re on the path to healing.
I don’t think all men are like this
Thankfully, a huge amount are nothing like that. I have a few guy friends that I know I can trust with my whole self, to just be good guys.
The scary part is that too many are like that, and even scarier is that there are even more in a gray area in the middle - ones who wouldn’t necessarily act like that, but if a friend did, they’d defend that froend instead of calling out shitty behavior and holding them accountable.
The analogy I heard the other day was: It’s like assuming every gun is loaded. Of course not every gun is loaded, but for your own safety you should act like every one is. Of course not every guy is going to pressure you about sex or possibly commit SA but for your safety you should act like every one is.
You have the added issue of being ace, an orientation most people don’t understand and, at some level, don’t even believe exists.
I have always been upfront about it when attempting to date. You’re right though, some people don’t believe it exist, and others feel they can “fix” me lol
About your freezing up/dissociating: I too live with PTSD and sometimes I find my own patterns of behaviour to be very difficult to change.
But difficult just means difficult, not impossible, right? 💪🏽
Over time I think we can get better at coping with trauma ❤️🩹
Yeah, most men are aware sexual assault is bad and illegal for a reason.
Its just that as far as many of them are concerned, they think they own or should own us.
I think part of what consent education is trying to work against are gendered sexual scripts we follow, e.g. the expectations that men will seek and initiate dates with a woman, that the man is trying to get the “sex” the woman “has”, and her job then is to guard the “sex” and make the man work hard for it, etc. This sexual and gender culture then leads to men’s virginity being a liability (a sign he can’t successfully “hunt”) but a woman’s virginity is a sign of her virtue and value (a sign that she is worth pursuing).
In this model and way of thinking, men are viewed as predatory, and consent goes against the default sexual script - which tells women to play hard to get and send false signals of disinterest that men have to navigate and push past to successfully “get” the “sex” the woman has.
To this end, finding a path to de-sexualizing women, teaching that men can be receptive sexual partners to women, that women can initiate and pursue, etc. would probably go a long way to helping resolve consent violations, since there wouldn’t be a default staus quo assumption everyone shares that the man should be pushing the woman’s boundaries as a normal part of dating and sex.
These changes have already begun to happen I think, and it shows in the different ways people respond to songs like “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” which exemplifies that traditional sexual script (the woman wants to leave, the man increasingly pressures her to stay while implying he wants sex). For many people the behavior in that song is normal courtship, for others it’s rape culture. Similar divided reactions are seen to the tendency for certain men to feel comfortable picking up and carrying women without their consent.
Anyway, yes - the idea of consent is often not absent, but modelling new norms is basically what consent education is, and what will hopefully help play a role in reversing the dominant sexual culture which is so permissive to sexual assault.
