When I discovered I was a woman
somehow my lesbian awareness predated my awareness of myself as a woman 😄 (ok, I hear how that sounds impossible, but I think through repression many such contradictions can come about)
I remember telling my boss (who insisted I was a gay man) that I’m really not gay in the way she thinks because I’m barely interested in men, but I am gay in a different sense because I like women, and that I feel like a lesbian on the inside … my boss was a lesbian and had a wife, and when I asked her if what I was saying made any sense, I remember she sighed, shook her head, and quietly said “no” 💀
but for some reason it was easier for me to feel connected to or own up to a sapphic identity than permit myself the natural conclusion of what this must mean 🙃
tbf, I’m not fully a lesbian, only primarily sapphic. I do relate to not thinking my “straight” attraction was straight, but when I was coming to terms with my gender identity, my sexual orientation was the last thing on my mind.
oh, I’m the same as you - I keep forgetting I am not supposed to call myself a lesbian (hard when I’m married to a woman and primarily sapphic, admittedly I think of myself as mostly a lesbian, even if I’m really bi).
I guess I also wasn’t thinking about my orientation much because I was bi, it sorta felt incidental to my gender tbh. It’s just interesting it was always those probes into my sexuality that caused me discomfort with my gender. Being perceived as a gay man really bothered me because it reified me as a man, which felt wrong, and so maybe that’s why my sense of being a gay woman was bubbling up in those moments.
The trans contingent is strong in here today!
Coming out I had a brief moment of “does this mean I have to date men now?” But no, I’m just not interested.
I figured out my way of dating was different pretty early on. Things would probably have turned out quite different if I’d known any lesbians growing up.
Okay, it’s been said before, but it was as soon as I discovered I was a woman (so almost 2 years ago). However, there’s more to it for me! I can remember having lesbian fantasies as far back as middle school (where I was a woman in the dreams). In hindsight, it’s incredibly funny that I thought nothing of that, and wouldn’t realize I was a woman for over a decade afterwards. I just thought it was a fetish thing, and honestly it made me feel kinda guilty about myself. Later on, I’d take it even further by watching POV porn from a woman’s perspective (which I also considered a fetish thing). It’s obvious now why I enjoyed that POV more, though I stopped watching porn a long time ago now (before I transitioned, even).
As for discovering I was a lesbian specifically, I was pretty confident of that as soon as I started transitioning, though I did have a little bi curiosity with a trans man I met a few months after starting HRT. I’ve since reflected on the situation, and currently define myself as a lesbian.
Also, before my realization, there was some amount of time (around a few years) where I has this kind of resentment that I “couldn’t be a lesbian”. Somehow, despite not recognizing I was trans—or even understanding what it meant, since I had never been taught anything about what it means to be trans—I still resonated with lesbians. Which obviously, in hindsight, is funny now given that I am a lesbian!
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I always had an interest in women even as a kid, but I discovered that it wasn’t just idolization when I started high school. I thought I was aroace because I didn’t really like anyone, and I started developing feelings later for a trans girl in my year. She didn’t like me back, alas. :(
