I was minding my own business and Boom! my nephew gave me syphilis.

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I know youre going to hate me, but the ghost of hitler posted my nudes on instagram

I know you’re going to hate me, but the kid from air Bud gave me syphilis

… I do not like this game

I was minding my own business and boom! My Tinder date poured lemonade in my gas tank

Please forgive my absence, my Tinder date found my box of human teeth.

I feel terrible but a high school marching band stabbed me.

I feel terrible but Dan Rather posted my nudes on Instagram.

I feel terrible but a sad clown died in front of me.

Doesn’t track. One less clown in the world, why feel terrible? (/s if it’s not obvious).

I regretfully cannot attend, the kid from Air Bud just shit the bed.

Get this: the kid from Airbud stabbed me

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Please forgive my absence, a professional cricket team stole my bicycle…