Hi
I’m struggling for years already, being unable to hold a job or function in daily life without job.
It seems like I’m constantly in shutdown, and I can’t even communicate my stress and desperation to a therapist because when I’m stressed, I stop expressing anything.
I also seem to forget anything that’s even slightly emotionally charged. So even when I can express my emotion, 10 minutes after that conversation I have no clue anymore what I talked about.
Underlying all this seems to be some kind of fear of feeling my emotions. Anytime I feel something, I quickly notice that the feeling/thoughts disappear and I just feel numb and a headache or stomachache.
Even when I’m by myself, I can’t seem to express any feelings, as If i’m trying to hide for myself.
And it seems like nobody knows how to deal with this. I’ve been to a few therapists and it all ends up the same. At the beginning i’m hopeful, but then after a few sessions I realise i’m getting more and more into a shutdown and express myself less and less until I eventually stop going.
Just searching for therapy seems pointless, because I don’t have money left and nobody seems to understand my difficulties.
Yeah, I would very much like to get into something nice, but that requires money, and that requires working, and that requires me feeling well. So it’s almost like a circular deadlock.
I also didn’t try much, so I don’t really know what I would like. I’m very ok with boring things though. I think because I’m always tense, even walking feels pretty intense, never boring.
There you go! A free way to break the circle :)
And if you find a way to do these walks in the nature and make them long-ish, that would work even better. Like, aim for making them more physically exhausting than mentally (well, in the safe range, of course). Being dead tired usually helps staying away from being tired of being dead inside — tried it myself ;)