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Joined 1 year ago
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Cake day: December 7th, 2024

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  • Disclaimer: Somewhat rambly wall of text ahead

    My egg cracked first at 12 and I let it fester for 14 years until the choice was transition or die (pretty sure apathy strong enough that you’re not eating for days on end is probably lethal long term).

    After a few years I managed to bury that I was trans, hid it from myself just well enough I honestly forgot that’s where the anguish was coming from. It manifested as impostor syndrome, and a mask a mile thick.

    I stopped wanting children when I realized I couldn’t be a mother to them. Started smoking cigars, drinking bourbon, to put on this aire of pained masculinity, my reference for what sad men do. Fought with my ex-wife a lot, realized after the divorce I was really controlling to her, probably because I didn’t have any control over my own life.

    Its been 4 years since I came out, 3 since I began my transition. Nowadays, when I feel bad about myself, its about something I did or someone I hurt in the past, rather than a self-loathing that comes from nowhere I understood. Hatching (but not yet coming out) 5 years ago, helped me realize where my body issues were coming from. I didn’t care that I had belly-fat, I cared that it was manly fat. I didn’t care that I had body hair, I cared that it was curly and thick on my chest. I didn’t care about my giant neckbones, I cared that they were so broad they made me look like a linebacker.

    I overcorrected.

    All Pink all the time! This doesn’t feel right either but at least I’m cute?

    Goth Girl summer? Nah that’s not it either.

    Turns out my model of femininity was my mother (who’d have thought😅) and I feel most at home in sweats and a cami, no makeup, with a ratsnest on top of my head.

    I’m not often depressed anymore. I don’t often experience dysphoria anymore either. When I do its usually because I’m focusing on something some transphobe said early in my transition.

    I’m lucky to be in a very trans friendly area, so its been nice for me to be able to care less. Passing culture is toxic as hell, but before I moved here I was constantly putting in bonkers effort to be cis-passing. Nowadays I don’t care, I just wanna be seen as a girl, I couldn’t give two shits if I get clocked as trans.

    Edit: fixed year estimate because I’m bad at kwikmaffs