I recently had an injection that seemed to go wrong (CW: blood, I inject EV subq and I hit something like a capillary, there was a lot of blood and it bruised badly afterwards). Within a couple days I felt unusually dysphoric as a result of what I assume was a failure for the oil to depot and slowly release over time.
I get these “dysphoric thoughts” that maybe the estrogen is causing the problems, that I don’t have objective proof that I’m trans, etc. Lots of doubt, paranoia, and increasing amounts of anxiety and irrational fear (about transition, but also in general, e.g. thinking spiders are in my bed), and I start to experience depression and anhedonia (things aren’t as pleasurable, everything feels pretty flat emotionally, I just feel “bad”).
Of course when I inject again and it goes well, I feel much better and I forget about these problems.
I was just wondering if anyone has advice on how to deal with dysphoria when there are gaps in the HRT. Obviously in the long term, surgery will fix the hormone issue and I suspect that will fix this problem. Until then, though, I am stuck in a rather fragile place where I feel normal (even good, even amazing) when my estrogen levels are high and suppressing my testosterone. Any small slip in that and I barely function as a person.
Before HRT I would just do whatever I could to increase mental well-being:
- physical exertion (aerobic exercise, weightlifting, etc.)
- going outside and getting sunshine
- keeping up with hydration
- keeping good sleep hygiene (sleeping enough, going to sleep at the same times, etc.)
- meditation every day
But now it feels harder for me to “bootstrap” when there are gaps in HRT and my hormones aren’t right, it’s like I’m no longer used to how hard it was before.
Anyway - any tips or thoughts, would like to hear other’s experiences.
Ah, I don’t know much about the laws and the way healthcare works in the Netherlands. I’m in the States, and after the doctor referred me to the endo, my first appointment with the endo was scheduled two to three months away. It felt like a long time, and in that time having socially transitioned but having no HRT I suffered much more than before. It was like I was giving up all of my repression and previous coping strategies, and that left me rather exposed to the dysphoria, to the point of having strong suicidal ideation.
In retrospect, knowing how I responded to HRT, I regretted waiting and not trying DIY first. It was easy before seeing the endo to rationalize not taking the DIY route, as I wouldn’t have baseline blood tests showing my hormone levels before HRT. I also didn’t want to come across as non-cooperative or acting in bad faith with my doctors. But I sacrificed my well-being for that, in ways that makes no sense.
In the U.S. estradiol is not a controlled substance, even though you generally need a prescription to acquire it. You can order it online and have it shipped to your house, and the quality of some of the estradiol on the market is the same as what you get at the pharmacy here (obviously not all sources are equal). The issue is really money for most people.
I don’t know how you might react to HRT, or what situation trying DIY might put you in. However, I would completely understand taking the DIY route, and I wish I had taken my well-being more seriously. I know in the UK people often turn to DIY because it can shorten the timeline for getting HRT through the clinics there, I guess the clinic feels a pressure to engage in “harm reduction” and will waive some of the transphobic policies that require waiting arbitrarily long times before being given HRT.
Much luck to you, sister. I hope you are able to find a way to help yourself and feel better. <3