As I’ve gained more and more close friends, more than I’ve ever had in my life, and some closer than I’ve ever had in my life, I’ve come to realize something recently. Despite the prevailing feeling like I want a relationship, I don’t actually know why it is I want one, nor what I have to gain from one.
Many of my friends nowadays are in fact either people who have rejected me romantically, or are exs that things just didn’t work out with but we found we made better friends. And that’s been the case with getting rejected too. I just end up enjoying the friendship so much, and getting so much out of it, that I just start to wonder why I ever wanted anything more than that. And what even is more than that?
Maybe everybody else has already realized this by my age, and my sheltered religious upbringing has just held me back a few years again, but I’ve started seriously considering, with every new crush, if they’d actually be any better for me as a partner instead of just a friend, and I’ve found that the answer, thus far, has always been no.
I guess the only thing that still has me wondering is, well, what does a romantic relationship offer that friendship doesn’t? My friends already love me, and tell me all the time. They already care for me in ways I used to think only a partner would, and I do my best to care for them too. I still desire a romantic relationship for some reason, but I just can’t see what there is to gain anymore.
So I see where you’re coming from. If your group of friends can collectively address all your needs, you would really feel like you don’t need a romantic partner. And maybe you don’t, which is perfectly fine.
I don’t know where you are in your life. Personally, I’m in my 30s, and I’ve had close friends that have come and go. I grew up with making and losing friends constantly like any kid who had a military parent. All of this is to provide a bit perspective for when I say that (at least in my experience) friends don’t stay. There isn’t a reason for them to put you first in their lives. As they get more involved in new or existing relationships of their own, romantic or otherwise, there will be drifting and shifting of priorities. And unless you’re really good at making friends, it gets harder to make friends as you get older.
A romantic partner is supposed to put you first on that list of social priorities and for a very long time. And it’s that feeling of counting on someone to be there for you when you need it that provides a sense of safety and comfort when your overall social network changes.
I can see that perspective, and maybe subconsciously it is that stability I’m looking for, especially because I’ve gone through 2 separate traumatic events that resulted in me losing every friend I had, the second, the only person who stayed with me was my ex, who I was dating at the time.
I guess though I kinda feel like I have achieved some level of stability even without a relationship. That ex I just mentioned is still a good friend, and he and his girlfriend talk constantly about trying to move closer to me, because at this point they both consider me more of family than just a friend.
And it’s like that for most of my close friends. I’ve got some that come and go, but my tightknit inner circle seems here to stay at least, at least for a very long time. I can see the appeal of wanting somebody to be there for my entire life though. Granted, the only people I can think of that I want that out of are the friends I already have, but on account of the fact that my friend group is practically composed purely of exs and people who’ve rejected me romantically already, it seems I’ll have to look elsewhere. Although that’s kind of a sad prospect to me, that I don’t get to choose any of them to stay by my side forever.
If you feel safe and stable now, then keep doing what you’re doing. There’s no shame in just living the life you enjoy. And I hope you didn’t need to feel like you have to defend your lifestyle and relationships to me.
I just wanted to come from angle where my perspective is both from a potentially different upbringing and life experience and what having a romantic partner means to me.
All anyone should want for another person is for them to be happy.
Ah, don’t worry, I wasn’t trying to defend myself. More trying to understand my own feelings via comparison. Because I know that for some reason I do still want and enjoy romantic relationships, but I don’t know why, since I get so much from my friends. It makes it difficult to know when somebody would be a good romantic partner for me because I don’t know what I want from them in the first place, as evidence by the fact that all my exs have ended up making better friends for me than partners.
People change and get into different places over time, there is no reason you couldn’t revisit some ex or friend at some future point in time if you feel comfortable with them.
Anyway, you shouldn’t think of a relationship as keeping someone to stay forever. It might happen, or it might not, you can’t predict the future. Pick a relationship if you think you can grow together at a given point in time, but remember that growing apart is also a possibility.