I always enjoyed crater hopping. The trips between the craters are always a bummer, but once you get down there it can be really interesting. There aren’t a whole lot of idiots like me who would risk it just for personal interest, but what can I say? I’m an explorer at heart. If I die it will be doing what I love, and I almost suffered a few lovely deaths over the years. This looked to be one of those times.

I’d seen some weird stuff but not quite like this. I was standing in one of the old buildings, but it was pretty unique to the other ones I’d seen. For one thing I was up to my waist in the floor. If that’s confusing to you, please believe that it was more confusing to me. I could look down and bend over as much as I could but all I could see was an oddly preserved tiled floor and the top half of myself. My legs were in the floor. I didn’t get it but I could move around well enough so it didn’t seem like a problem yet.

I’d never seen glass windows other than in drawings. I never knew that in real life they floated in the air a few meters away from the wall but still somehow showed whatever is on the other side of the wall. Curious about how it worked I looked between the wall and the window but when I did that I couldn’t see the window anymore. I knew the old-worlders were nuts but honestly I couldn’t begin to guess why a building would be designed like this. Maybe some kind of decadent design aesthetic way over the head of a crater kid like me?

“Welcome!”

I turned from my window study to see a woman standing on the floor somehow. Probably a local. Looked like the local mutations were pointy ears and skin as white as a whirling ash storm. She was tall and oddly thin which didn’t give me confidence about the local food resources. She looked like she was in a very good mood, so I figured maybe the drugs down here could balance that out. I put my hands in the air to surrender and responded, “Hey there, I just made it down here from the surface. I don’t mean any harm and I’m willing to work for whatever you can spare. I may have some things in my bag which can make life down here easier on you too.”

She beamed and responded, “We are a local community of organic nutrition developers. Using our proprietary system of biological engineering, our goal is to reintroduce a natural way of living. Please observe the rustic practices of our developers, who we call ‘farmers’.” She made a sweeping gesture toward the floating window.

I looked, and it was definitely still crater on the other side of the window. Maybe the drugs could also be a problem… “That is so interesting! Is there a—”

“I am D’elsa’kilyn’irmoira P’e’r’c’e’r’a’n’’’’’’ . For four hundred years my purpose has been to replicate the ancient practices of cultivation as faithfully as possible. For $699.99 (plus gratuity) you will receive a starting kit guaranteed to provide the materials and training to use biochemical processes to convert inert organic matter into nutritional substance through the exploitation of organisms we call ‘plants.’”

That name had a dialect trill I hadn’t heard before. Sounded like some kind of motor. There was no way I could pronounce it. I knew I would have to be careful in case they had thin skin about names, but she was clearly so high it probably wouldn’t matter if I said it in my accent anyway. I took the risk, “It’s great to meet you Delsakilynirmoira Perceran. That sounds like a great deal. The numbers on the dollars in my bag add up to a few million. You can take all of them.”

She pleasantly responded, “Error.”

I didn’t like the sound of that, “I don’t mean to offend you in any way. Breathing the surface air has damaged my vocal cords severely. I mean no disrespect. I hope I haven’t done anything to damage our new relationship in any way, but if I have I can leave immediately. I promise I won’t be a problem.”

She responded again in the same tone, “Error.” Suddenly her entire left half separated itself from her body and came at me so quickly I couldn’t see it move. I jumped back. Maybe I’d been drugged? The air down here full of hallucinogens? Just as quickly the roof and one of the walls turned into a smooth tapestry of multicolored squares. Before I could even think, everything went black.

I blinked through a blinding light and everything started to come into focus. There was a crowd people around me studying me intensely. The one in front was dressed in some kind of long white robe adorned with a patch of cloth full of little black tubes on his chest, and he was right in my face. I tried to stand up to greet him but noticed that my arms and legs were tied down. Great. He took notice of my discomfort and said, “Only a precaution, you see. You never know who will come down from the surface. We’ve been through your bag and watched how you behaved in the simulation. You do not appear to be a threat to our community and I do think we can help each other.”

He went to untie my left hand and said quietly into my ear “prove us wrong about this at your peril.”

As he untied me, I asked “So that was some kind of vetting program?”

He chuckled and a wave of giddiness washed over the until that point very serious crowd. He told me, “Oh no. It served that function this time, but our purposes were greater than that. You see we are in a bit of a friendly competition with our neighbors. On a recent excavation we discovered documentation of something called a ‘cake’. It was described as the most delicious food ever invented. We are quite privileged down here and have more than enough-- you are welcome to sustenance as well – it’s the least we can do for your assistance-- I mean our communities are in a race to recreate a ‘cake’ as described by the document. One of the primary components of a ‘cake’ is a substance called ‘flour’ which is derived from ancient organic plant life. This program is our secret weapon. Our neighbors would probably attempt to synthesize it, but if we could make it naturally through plant exploitation our product would be obviously superior. As you found, the program is very damaged but we believe it contains all the information necessary to re-create plant life. Each of us has attempted to access the information to little success, but of course since we share many of the same biases we hypothesized that an outside perspective may be helpful. You fell into one of our stasis traps on your way down here, so it seemed quite serendipitous. I apologize if your experience was jarring, but to control the variables as closely as possible we needed to ensure your experience with the interface was as genuinely yourself as possible.”

I put my hands out wide where everyone could clearly see them and stood up, “Don’t worry, all things considered this is probably the easiest time I’ve ever had crater diving. If you heard what I said… uh… in the other place, I meant everything. If you need more help with this whole ‘cake’ thing I would be more than happy to oblige.”

If I knew then how serious these freaks were about cake, I would have bolted then and there.