I first tried to kill myself in 2000, and writing about it of course resulted in another fucking award from Columbia.

My drug dealer broke into my apartment, found my phone, called everyone he’d ever heard me talk about, and then finally 911. I’d been thorough.

At that point, it was merely personal problems; we now have systemic ones.

I’m still crashing with a friend but return to the marginally movable trash can tomorrow.

I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting. I just know “not this” is where I’m at in life, and one can only spend so much time with the crisis line.

  •  within_epsilon   ( @within_epsilon@beehaw.org ) English
    11•21 hours ago

    I’ve been thinking about the self-immolation of Aaron Bushnell. The extreme form of protest rattled people that oppose the genocide. Genocide supporters used the act as a way to point at service members that don’t support genocide. The people that needed the message of his protest do not care. I contend Aaron Bushnell could have done more by continuing life.

    I am not you. I do not know your story. I do know you brighten up my Lemmy feed with your posts. Your message reaches me.

    I have a gallows sense of humor about the current systemic issues. I have been watching a police officer patrol the neighborhood in a SUV with a massive rack of lights on top. Welcome to the future, I suppose.

    Politically, “power to” is important to me. I feel empowered knowing that I have the “power to” end my life, but have chosen not to, because we are stronger together in the fight against over-policing and the heirarchical power structures that use forms of violence to restrict our “power to” do things.

    I medicate with music. Since you are already in a dark place, here is music I medicate with to feel empowered when I am reaching the end of my rope. It is not what you would get from a crisis line.

    This life is fucked, this life is shit We never even asked for it So with that I’ll do what I please Spray my brains all over the trees Only thing waiting on the other side Is six feet of dirt, there’s no surprise to hide

    • Give Up / Vas a Morir by Akil Godsey of End It

    And if I die as a partisan, oh bella ciao, bella ciao, bella ciao, ciao, ciao and if I die as a partisan then you must bury me.

    • English translation of Bella Ciao, Italian folk partisan song
    •  Pete Hahnloser   ( @Powderhorn@beehaw.org ) OPEnglish
      5•16 hours ago

      I am not you. I do not know your story. I do know you brighten up my Lemmy feed with your posts. Your message reaches me.

      Thanks for the kind words. I’ve been listening to my entire music collection on random for several days. Few tracks have lyrics, as I was a raver 25 years ago, so while I do have a bit of NIN, it’s not angry stuff for the most part.

      •  araneae   ( @araneae@beehaw.org ) English
        2•5 hours ago

        I’d like to second this sentiment… I know that there’s one man who understands the fear I’m feeling, the building rage and panic. He posts on my instance and his name is Pete. Its a little thing but it makes me feel less alone.

        Might edit this post with some music I’ve been using to cope later. I just wanted to let you know I, we, see you.

        Here ya go. I got into a game with a soundtrack by an infamous breakbeat producer called Sewerslvt and what I took away from reading about her career is that her oeuvre hinges a lot on suicidality, loss, and shock. This track is called Jvnko Loves You and references one of the most brutal, graphic stories of murder I’ve ever come across and… it makes me want to live because the victim in question didn’t get to, which I think is what the artist was going for.

        More generally, the music of Death Grips helped me internalize that spite can be a vile humor that pushes us to live and that hate, rage, and nihilism are core parts of our humanity that hurt as much to deny as they do to embrace. Many of their songs are about how hard it is to choose to live and many of their lyrics have stuck with me. Beware - an audio formatted raison d’etre. On GP - a screed about choosing to live for others. Come Up and Get Me - Self explanatory.

        These are angry and/or intense songs and thoughts that I hope won’t be triggering for you, please don’t listen if they are. I know you DID say anger wasn’t your cup of tea, sorry. Its not ecstasy, but I’m in a somewhat similar boat of coming off of being a daily weed smoker during one of the worst times I can imagine for ANYONE to kick ANYTHING, whether it’s opiates or gummy bears. My sympathies. I’d like to also add a couple of more beautiful, serene tracks, to counterbalance the bleak tracks above.

        Sufjan Stevens - I Want to Be Well

        Zoe - Luna

        Anoraak - We Lost

        Sigur Ros - Glosoli