This is a bit of a vent because I don’t feel comfortable talking about this in literally any other virtual or physical space. I hope that’s ok.

I’m a 28 y/o cis woman in a straight relationship.

When I was 14 I once confided to someone that I thought I was bi. A couple of years later she brings it up in a group setting an I was adamant that conversation never happened and that I was 100% straight.

I grew up in an immigrant community and while unspoken it was always clear to me that there would be hell to pay if I was bi. My parents were already abusive and neglectful and it was hard enough to survive in that environment as is… I was always conscious of not wanting to make that even harder.

And because I was also attracted to men I guess it felt easy enough for me to ignore my attraction to women.

Even in uni I would make out with girls and stuff and my mental dissonance was like “oh, all girls are like that.”

I’m super happy that kids these days are more comfortable being queer but as that happened around me it became clear to me that… Oh, shit, I’m bi.

And it just upsets me? Like I’m in a loving straight relationship. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I’m going to marry him in a couple of years. I don’t have the opportunity to explore my bisexuality because that boat has sailed.

And I don’t feel comfortable “coming out”. I have this vague guilt that I’ve lived my entire life with straight privilege and still do, being in a straight relationship. I feel like if I came out I’d be virtue signalling and taking oxygen from people who are “actually queer”. I’m worried people won’t believe me, because I spent 15 years not believing myself.

In terms of things in my life that cause me distress this is not the biggest one (I have C-PTSD, MDD, GAD, and am still not sure I’ll survive to my 30s).

But I just feel like I’m stuck being a straight woman, and it’s just something about myself that I’ll never get to be authentic about. And it sucks and it hurts. And I’m ashamed to tell anyone because I’m afraid neither straight nor queer spaces will believe/accept me.

  •  dumples   ( @dumples@kbin.social ) 
    11•1 year ago

    My wife came out to me as bi after we got married so we are in a straight presenting relationship. We are still in a monogamist relationship and from an outsiders perceptive nothing has changed. But for us internally its different but overall much better. Her honesty has let me explore portions of my own sexuality away from the heteronormative assumptions which has been great. We are both more open and honest since the whole experience. It started with mall things like both admitting that the actress in a show is hot but it was a prompt to be more open about everything in our relationship from kink, monogamy, jealously etc. It is totally worth it from my end as a spouse of a bi women. We aren’t out here having threesome constantly but that doesn’t mean she still isn’t bi.

    From her standpoint she has been coming out to her friends and family and most people are supportive. There was a one big fight with one of her
    “friends” who didn’t understand why she was saying that she was bi now. This was hard for everyone.

    However, the disconnection from the rest of the queer community since she is an straight appearing relationship is hard. She has said that she wishes she had more friends in her situation. The ironic situation is since she is a therapist is that a large percentage of her clients have come out as bi in the exact same situations as her. They are all women is happy relationships who are bi with straight male partners. They all feel the same way and she is even starting a therapy group for them to talk about their situation. So you are not alone in this situation and coming out you might find some friends who are in the same situation.

    •  Grey Cadence   ( @a1tb1t@lemmy.one ) 
      1•1 year ago

      100% this. Being queer isn’t just about who you’re attracted to - it’s part of your identity. I believe that if one person in the relationship is queer, then the relationship itself SHOULD be queer. Hetero presenting isn’t hetero.

    •  BraveSirZaphod   ( @BraveSirZaphod@kbin.social ) 
      1•1 year ago

      Her honesty has let me explore portions of my own sexuality away from the heteronormative assumptions which has been great

      This is really the most personally beneficial and freeing part of being gay for me. Once you realize that you’re simply never going to be just a normal guy, you’re free to stop bothering with even trying to be. You’re free to let yourself be who you actually are rather than what society tells you you should be. Sure, that guys are hot and fun and cute is a nice bonus, but it’s the liberation from oppressive social structures that I value more than anything else.

      However, the disconnection from the rest of the queer community since she is an straight appearing relationship is hard.

      That’s super valid, and there is a lot of awareness in the community that this is an issue. On one hand, there is the simple fact that bi people in monogamous relationships simply don’t face the same level of societal opposition that more visibly queer people do. But that’s not a bad thing! However, it can create a bit of a disconnect, and more negatively, a little bit of resentment from this idea that bi people haven’t “earned” a place in the community, which is of course absurd. But we’re dealing with people, and particularly, people that have often been hurt and come to find community and connection in that hurt. It’s always gonna be a little messy.

      •  dumples   ( @dumples@kbin.social ) 
        1•1 year ago

        Once you realize that you’re simply never going to be just a normal guy, you’re free to stop bothering with even trying to be. You’re free to let yourself be who you actually are rather than what society tells you you should be.

        This is really a freeing experience. I feel like everyone should get a chance to do this both sexually and for their day to day life.