Hi lemmy, this situation is kinda private so it seems easier to look for support here than it is to talk about it with most of my irl friends.
My partner is going into GI surgery in about 36 hours. We’ve been together for nearly 5 years and cohabitate, and he has a chronic GI condition that has worsened in the past couple years. He normally manages it with medication, but his flareups have gotten frequent and severe enough that he’s finally committed to surgical correction. As far as I know it’s not going to cure anything, but should hopefully make his condition more easily managed.
This of course is scary, so I’ve already got fears about what could go wrong and the possibility of something bad happening. I’m sure he does too, and he was very crabby this morning and picked a fight. I suspect it was in response to his anxiety, but he’s stubborn and has kind of doubled down on being petty and spiteful tonight. I will admit that this morning when he was being antagonistic, I let it get under my skin and blew my top back at him some and boy is he holding it against me now. I’m so embarrassed that I acted nasty this morning and have tried to mend the bad feelings with zero success. He’s gone so far as to say he plans to go to his mother’s tomorrow and have her drive him to/from the procedure and plans to spend his recovery time (1-2 weeks) at mom’s. That one hurt, the idea of not being able to see him off sucks.
I’m trying to just give him space tonight, but I have to admit that the fact that he won’t drop it and that it seems like he may huff off into this procedure is really making my preexisting anxieties about this worse. What if something happens to him and he passes away in the middle of all this tension between us? Ugh, the thought makes my stomach turn.
I know there’s no good answer here and I’m not trying to demonize him, he’s a great man that just isn’t very emotionally self aware sometimes, but I feel stuck crying on our couch terrified. (I let him have the bedroom because I know he needs to be resting and I’m gonna be up and about for a bit.) If you have any advice, memes, good vibes, or encouraging stats about diverticulitis surgery, please share. My little brother talked me down some on the phone, but I’m too embarrassed about the fight to call my friends, so here I am, sadgirling on lemmy.
Aw man, sorry you’re going through that. It sounds like you both just really need some space to calm down and process. I also get very snappy/aggro and tend to start fights when I’m anxious. I’ve pushed my partner away during health scares as well (I’m in therapy and always apologize after tho) When I do, it’s never actually about my partner. It’s me feeling anxious, wanting space, feeling guilty about receiving help and wanting to pull away and isolate to deal with my emotions. Don’t take it personally and it’s perfectly normal to snap back at someone when they’re being a bit of an ass. You didn’t do anything wrong. Hopefully your partner just needs some space to calm down.
Also, when you’re both in a good headspace, it may be helpful to ask about why they want their mom to help them instead. He might be subconsciously guilty and not wanting to burden you.
Thank you so much for the perspective and support. Intellectually, I get all of this, but last night I was just down in it ya know? I’m so glad I had a place to vent and that lemmy users like you were kind and compassionate. Thank you, truly from the bottom of my heart.