So, I’m just assuming we’ve all seen the discussions about the bear.
Personally I feel that this is an opportunity for everyone to stop and think a little about it.
The knee-jerk reaction from many men seems to be something along the lines of “You would choose a dangerous animal over me? That makes me feel bad about myself.” which results in endless comments of the “Akchully… according to Bayes theorem you are much more likely to…” kind.
It should be clear by now that it doesn’t lead to good places.
Maybe, and I’m open to being wrong, but maybe the real message is women saying: “We are scared of unknown men.”
Then, if that is the message intended, what do we do next? Maybe the best thing is just to listen. To ask questions. What have you experienced to make you feel that way?
I firmly believe that the empathy we give lays a foundation for other people being willing to have empathy for the things we try to communicate.
It doesn’t mean we should feel bad about ourselves, but just to recognize that someone is trying to say something, and it’s not a technical discussion about bears.
What do you think?
i had to google this because i am not a tiktok-er, and apparently women (? sample size?) are commonly stating that they would rather encounter a bear than a man if they were alone in the woods
interesting point that men often also chose the bear for the question of if they would rather have their wife / daughter stuck in the woods with a bear or a man, so that says a lot about men, as well, i think
we can derive some other mildly interesting points from this, like viewing sexual violence as potentially worse than non-sexual but fatal violence. or like, that one might have to live with societal judgement of having been sexually assaulted because there’s still a lot of assumptions that you initiated it somehow (rape culture) vs people universally having sympathy for the victim of an animal attack
overall, the unfortunate reality is that women generally view men or people who look like men as dangerous. i’m a transgender man and i’ve observed this phenomenon in a very real way as women have gone from generally friendly or neutral to detached. it sucks, but it’s not personal
however, if this really bothers you, there are actually some things you can do to help women feel more comfortable around you. this is not like… a guarantee. at the end of the day, you’re gonna have to live with jumpscaring some women if you round a corner too quick at them. that’s how life is. but, if you want to give them some signs you are not a violent person, not as a way to trick them into trusting you, but as a genuine attempt to help them feel safe:
if you change your style to be more feminine, even in subtle ways, like wearing a pink shirt or pink shoes. if you have a man purse. you don’t really need to go full femme but if you express yourself in a way that makes you look like someone secure in your masculinity (actual), it will help women understand you’re not really a threat
which i think, generally, reflects that women understand that patriarchy isn’t about men as a whole, but rather that most men haven’t confronted the ideas they were raised with in order to “be a man”, and those are the dangerous ideas they need to avoid to be safe
i think there is also an idea that expressing yourself as a softer or more feminine man will make it harder for you to get laid, and i think this may be true. however, i would suggest that women who only wanna fuck you because you’re traditionally masculine are not really the women you wanna be fucking, because they’re (probably) going to bring their own ideas of toxic masculinity to enforce on you. those are the women who are more concerned with whether or not e.g. you can change the oil on their car, that you are a “real man”, and hopefully it goes without saying that those are the ideas you want to avoid reinforcing / internalizing, even if that means turning down a sexual partner
You also have a much better chance of scaring off a pursuing bear than a pursuing man.
My take is that the people that would benefit the most from the introspection this hypothetical is meant to illicit are the furthest from being able to take it to heart. It works better as a way to make the worst people around you out themselves, so now you know to avoid them.
maybe the real message is women saying: “We are scared of unknown men.”
It’s not unknown men, it’s alone with men, period. Most sexual assaults are not stranger-rapes; they’re sexual assaults being committed by a person that was known to the victim. Often it’s an intimate partner, a date, a close friend, or someone that they went to class/church/etc. with. If people you know aren’t safe, then how could you trust strangers?
This whole scenario makes total sense to me. Try to put yourself in the role of the woman:
Man vs bear, random encounter alone in the woods. Both can easily overpower and harm you.
With the bear, you know it’s one or the other, it either is going to be scared off by you yelling at it, or it’s not and it will very quickly kill you.
The man, if he intends no harm, cool. But if he does intend harm, it can be impossible to tell. He can lie to you, appear friendly and helpful, all the while plotting to harm you horrifically. The bear can have no such malice.
The bear will not target you because of your race, sex, political views, gender identity, sexuality, or nationality.
The bear won’t pretend to be your friend to lure you into a sense of false security. The bear won’t become enraged at something you say and all of a sudden turn on you.
The bear has no fragile sense of ego that it will attempt to assert if it feels you “wounded” it in some trivial way.
A bear cannot be brainwashed by toxic propaganda or cultural norms about gender roles. A bear will never have any sense of sexual entitlement.
A bear won’t drug you and assault you, a bear won’t call its friends to join in when you are vulnerable. A bear won’t hold blackmail against you after getting you drunk and manipulating you.
If all women had to do 99.99% of the time to scare away dangerous men was stand up tall, puff our their chests, and yell loudly, I doubt we would be having this conversation.
It would probably be pretty effective on men too, tho XD
If men were a minority group, this would lead to calls for the male community to police itself and report suspicious behaviour to the authorities.
I don’t quite know if I understand your comment.
By ‘this’ do you mean the meme, the response to the meme, or do you mean the number of SA cases done by men?
Are you drawing parallels to cities calling upon minority communities to police themselves and report suspicious behavior to try and ‘solve gang violence’?
Bluntly, I wouldn’t want to have some lady I’ve never met, trapped in the forest with me either. Not because I’m a bad person, far from it.
I feel like I’d be rather handy if I was lost in a forest, but she wouldn’t know that.
Fact is, any lady weighing in on the discussion doesn’t have any reasonable guarantee or even a reasonable probability of getting someone half as helpful as me, and a nontrivial chance of getting a date rapist, so I get it. The worst that a bear would do is kill and eat them, and if they’re lucky, it’ll happen in that order. There are fates worse than death.
I don’t take any offense at someone answering “bear”. At all. It’s an age old question, of the devil that you know, versus the devil that you don’t. Sure, there’s a non-zero chance you’ll end up in the woods with bear grylls (or someone with a similar skillset), or Mr. Rogers (or similarly kind person), but the far more likely scenario is not that.
It’s not a statement against me personally as a male, it’s a statement about the average man. If that offends you, there’s a good chance that you’re part of the problem.
I’m not here to judge. So I’ll let you decide for yourself.
The fact is, unknown men is basically a gamble most aren’t willing to make. What can we do about it? Probably somewhere between Jack and squat. Unless we can “fix” the socially inept and creepy men, as well as the rapists, would-be (opportunistic) rapists, date rapists, and just all around shitty men, pretty much all at once, this stereotype isn’t going anywhere. Just be the change you want to see in the world, and try to encourage your brothers to be better.
I know more than one of these men that women would rather not take a chance with… The JR/AT/JP/TradWife/dudebro types. When I asked my girlfriend about the choices, she chose ‘bear’ immediately, and specifically called out someone we knew, saying, “Would YOU want me to encounter in the forest if I didn’t know him?” And she was right – I’d prefer she choose the bear…
And that’s tragically fucking sad that someone I know is so far down the ‘dudebro’ rabbit hole that I wouldn’t leave my GF alone with him in a compromised position.
My grandparents would say something similar to this TikToker about certain “kinds” of people, and I rightfully consider them fucking abhorrent for it. I consider someone who would unironically say this kind of shit to be the same kind of abhorrent.
I’m a cis het man, and I’d rather be stuck in a forest with a bear than a strange man.
Then, if that is the message intended, what do we do next?
Fuck off.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. - Maya Angelou
If a woman tells you you threaten her more than a wild bear does, fucking listen, then fuck off. She is actively telling you you frighten her more than a fucking polar or grizzly. Why would you stick around? Do you enjoy terrifying people? Show some fucking respect and leave her alone forever, like she literally just asked you to. As a free bonus, you’ll never have to hear her say it to you again.
But she’s not telling me, is she? She’s telling every man everywhere, forever. I can’t do anything with that information, except wonder if she’s calling for all men and women to be strictly segregated for women’s safety. At which point you’ve gone so far into nth-wave feminism that you’ve arrived at Saudi society as as model.
It’s woman specific, because she can’t speak for any woman but her, and her rights matter no more than yours do, if you’re concerned about situations where you both want or need to be in the same space.
I don’t understand why this is a problem. I would choose an animal over a human, man or woman.
Seeing all these comments that actually get it gives me hope for us dudes. I interact with so many dudebro types at work, and only have so much energy. And then coming onto Lemmy and seeing the same shit - it gets demoralizing real quick.
We gotta get dudes out of their own heads somehow - make them actually think about how they’re affecting those around them, and get them to expand the number of ways they positively affect their local sphere and minimize the negative ways.
There is hope, I think. I wanted to have sort of a meta-discussion about the question from a mens lib point of view. Like, this thing is circulating, it seems to be making many people upset, what is a healthy way to interpret or react to it?
I think it’s to have the conversation with those close to us that felt offended in a measured, methodical fashion. I find that it often seems completely foreign for some of the guys I’ve talked to put themselves into someone else’s shoes.
It is a slog quite often, and I think that there is some kind of training out there for having these kinds of conversations.
As always, it’s about talking to these people without getting them offended. I agree with other leftists that it’s absolutely exhausting - it honestly feels like some of these dudes want nothing but to feel like the victim of the situation sometimes. I still try and talk them through it when I can.
it honestly feels like some of these dudes want nothing but to feel like the victim of the situation sometimes.
A part of this could be to recognize that they too might be trying to communicate something, wanting people to listen. The stalemate of mutual lack of listening. It’s really a tricky, circular thing, and probably it’s hard to just say “shut up and listen” to either side, when a precondition for listening is having trust that the other one will listen too.
I’m interested in increasing this trust between people. I also recognize that there is a level of feeling dismissed within me that makes me care less about others, and I assume that others could have that too.
If we could figure out a way to be at least a net positive in building trust and listening, then, well, step by small step, reinforcing the mutual feeling of trust, that would be good.
But sometimes it just feels impossible.
As one commenter stated perfectly well, the problem with “man or bear” posts is that in subtext it introduces the hostility and division towards men.
It’s not just women discussing their fears, it’s women signaling “men are more dangerous than bears”.
And this rightfully insults and angers many men, as it is a direct attack based on a wide immutable identity that omits any nuance.
Such posts do not promote any understanding of the situation, do not explore any root causes, and, from what I’ve gathered, comment threads are full of people telling men to shut up, either because “it’s not about them” or because “women’s safety are more important than men’s feelings” (as if those posts promote women safety).
This is not alright.
That’s an interesting assumption.
If your first assumption is wrong then this is just a weird and rambling post. That is somehow about bears.