EDIT: Thanks so much everyone. Great answers. This has been fun. Keep it going as long as you want!
DISCLAIMER: Silly Thought Exercise: NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OF REPLACING BIDEN. I personally do not think replacing Biden is a good idea at this stage in the election. I think that’s more dangerous than keeping him, sadly, but he’s who we’ve got. I’m just looking for shitposty thoughts on this question, please and thank you.
What-over-the-top absurd person would you choose to replace Biden who you think could actually body Trump, and why?
For an example, my choice would be based on the idea that the only thing that makes a bully like Trump wilt is a bigger bully. Secondly, US citizens love trash talking and sports and absolutely will vote for someone who is already famous, they certainly love their celebrities. Finally, what better sport for trash talk than basketball?
In that, my choice would be basketball legend Larry Bird. (he’s famously apolitical, so it’s hard to know if he would actually be politically aligned against Trump.)
…but, the thing is, Larry Bird is a masterclass trash talker.
And that is really what throws Trump off and throws him into obscene tantrums where his composure is lost and he comes off like a whining loser: when he’s been taken down a peg by someone else. Nothing sticks deeper in his craw. I don’t think he could handle Larry Bird’s level of shit-talk, Bird is like god-tier.
I can imagine Bird calling Trump out and saying he can smell his shit-filled diaper from across the auditorium, obviously Bird would describe more colorfully than I. The thing is, I can also see that absolutely throwing Trump into hysterics.
Also, at 67 Bird’s a fucking spring chicken compared to Biden or Trump.
So, I’m hoping for answers that are a bit silly, like this. Larry Bird is obviously not actually a good choice for this. I just like chuckling at the idea, because real life has gotten so absurd I need to hide in even deeper absurdity.
What’s your absurd Biden replacement? Please, I think we could use some laughs.
Sacha Baron Cohen.
The appeal of Trump’s rhetoric and populist message is entirely subconscious, and doesn’t stand up to even a few moments of critical analysis. Baron Cohen has a genius-level understanding of how to get into people’s heads, and what’s more, he can do it fluently, on-the-fly. His U.S. presidential candidate character would totally dismantle MAGA.
There are days I just want Terry Crews to run as Camacho. Don’t know where he stands on shit but he can physically crush an opposing world leader and that seems like a start.
JohnStewartEdit: Sorry I meant his brother, Jon Stewart
Stewart/Colbert ticket would absolutely rock his orange ass off.
With Presidential Cabinet members Steve Carrell, John Oliver, Samantha Bee, Judge John Hodgman, Jordan Klepper and Lewis Fucking Black.
Lewis fucking Black as Secretary of Defense!
I like Lewis, but he might be a little too angry to be in charge of missiles.
I don’t think he’s angry enough. Cowboy Regan scared the shit out of everyone…Black would Make Everyone But America Shit Again (black trucker cap with MEBASA)
I’m not sure that more loose cannons is the solution to the number we have now. I suppose if he was on a tight leash they could always threaten people to smarten up or they won’t hold him back.
Jon Stewart for president with someone central to Biden’s cabinet who actually knows about politics and the stuff Biden was doing, as VP, to be able to give him on the job training on the actual politics part to match his sharpness level and his heart
For many years I’ve wanted to see that. It would be absolutely unstoppable.
I don’t know John Stewart, but Jon Stewart would be an interesting choice.
Fixed
I’m not even sure if this one is silly as much as it is serious. Too bad Stewart would never want the job!
I don’t care if he doesn’t want the job
I think Biden has done great stuff (domestically 🙁) and I would expect good policies from him and obviously a dead plant would be a better president than Trump, but his debate performance is kinda hard to put a good spin on
And therefore it is clear that what the world needs to see is a Jon Stewart vs Donald Trump debate
Vermin Supreme, because every American deserves a pony
Bill Burr or Jon Stewart, either one of them would absolutely crush Trump on a debate stage and people would line up to watch it.
Taylor Swift. Not that I think she’s absurd. I just think she’d have absolutely zero time for Trump’s bullshit, and would probably write some very cutting lyrics about it.
Let’s not pin cult leaders against each other now
Cult problems require cult solutions
Dwayne Johnson is an incredible trash talker by the same logic and would own his candy ass
Stone Cold Steve Austin.
WHAT?
I had thought about some folks in that wheelhouse, too. Sometimes I really wish Macho Man Randy Savage was still around.
I don’t know why my first thought was John Cena
Because Trump would never see him coming.
Mustard or Mayo?
Well, Marshall Mathers in his Slim Shady persona would be interesting. Not sure who I would pair him up with for VP though.
I figure after 4 years of Slim Shady as President, we would either have world peace or the world would be in pieces.
Not sure who I would pair him up with for VP though.
Dude, you forgot about Dre.
Diane Morgan
…as Philomena Cunk.
No, as Mandy.
I wouldn’t have it any other way
Go all in on milking generational divide and do like a Taylor Swift / Kendrick Lamar ticket. I definitely think either of them could do a better job at being president than our current batch of options.
a masterclass trash talker. And that is really what throws Trump off and throws him into obscene tantrums where his composure is lost and he comes off like a whining loser: when he’s been taken down a peg by someone else. Nothing sticks deeper in his craw.
That’s an interesting point, I was actually kind of annoyed that Biden was insulting Trump as I saw it as stooping to his level, but your comment on that does make it seem like a valid strategy.
I don’t think he could win, but for a laugh I’d love to see Hunter Biden replace Joe lol convicted felon vs convicted felon!
Joe Biden is way too classy to really insult him. I felt like he was just being honest about who Trump is and what he has done. If it’s insulting, it’s Trumps fault for that being who he really is.
Like, there’s reports Trump actually did shit himself during the debate (Sorry about the link to X, can’t find it elsewhere). Joe Biden is way too classy to call Trump out for such a thing.
I agree, though! Hunter is just done even trying to have any semblance of reasonableness or classiness with the right wingers, so he’d probably be like “Okay, fuck this, let’s get dirty.”
A Martha Stewart/Snoop Dogg ticket would be interesting. I kinda want to see Snoop in the debate though so maybe a Snoop Dogg/Martha Stewart ticket.
If you want to guarantee a win though Oprah is the answer. Just to maximize Trump’s rage I say we need Oprah/RuPaul 2024.
forget Martha Stewart – but Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson as heads of the DEA and FDA
I really, really want to see Jordan Klepper debate with interview Trump and not hold back at all.
Andrew Callaghan. Just sit there an ask Trump simple questions with a vibe so chill he self destructs without any outside interference.
When he does press appearances, he responds to journalists questions with… questions of his own.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. We get the absurdity of a puppet and the entertainment of a puppet throwing insults at Trump.