A few years back my sister passed away, I’m now the only child my parents have left. They live a few hours away and have for as long as I have been with my partner (7 years).
My parents are planning on moving to the place we now live to be closer to me. This has my partner worried that they will be over often or I will be over at their house more often. Her parents are very far away so can only visit once a year.
My parents are not the kind of people to show up uninvited to anyone’s house. They likely will come over once a month for dinner and I will probably go over by myself once a week.
We are both pretty private people so not having anyone over is just how we are and this potential change of more visits has her concerned that our privacy will be gone.
I am also fine with them not coming over often, I like it being just me and her but I do want my parents close when they have medical emergencies.
How do I approach this as currently she is a bit annoyed but taking a more “see how this pans out” attitude?
I don’t exactly want to jump the gun and talk to my parents ahead of time to make sure they don’t come over often because I don’t think they will and it might sour their relationship to her if they think she doesn’t want them over ever, even if I also don’t want them over often.
Before your parents go to great expense to move, have a sit down and talk with them about this. Make sure everyone involved knows what to expect beforehand.
If they move and things aren’t what they expect, it will sour everyone’s relationship much more
This was something I recommend fully, OP I had to do the same with my mother moving out. I forced her to think about hard questions like
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What if we decide to move away (my partner and I)? Will you stay in your new home? Would you even be able to afford to move again? What if we left and you didn’t even like it there, after all we moved because we liked it.
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What if you don’t like it? Is being near me enough to justify living somewhere you don’t like?
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You will not be close to your friends and family anymore, which means missing some time critical things. (Think elderly family members, if we got the word it’s now a 5 hour flight plus a lot of driving). Are you sure you’re okay with that?
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(Important for OP) You will not have a key to our place, and we will not have an open door policy. We do have our own lives and our own friends, and it won’t be like when I was growing up where you could see me whenever you wanted. You’ll still have to call and schedule time with us. Does that change how you view this?
Ultimately she decided she was okay with those, but OP come up with a list of these, and have the hard conversation.
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Look, I’m not a family-oriented person, but the following sentences strike me as strange:
My parents are not the kind of people to show up uninvited to anyone’s house. They likely will come over once a month for dinner and I will probably go over by myself once a week […] this potential change of more visits has her concerned that our privacy will be gone.
Why would your privacy suddenly vanish when they only visit once or twice a month? Lol. Agree with the comments who want more context; does she have issues with your family, etc.? Maybe you have two different views of your family that’s clashing. Just thought the abovementioned quote sounded weird.
I wonder what’s missing from this story. Does your partner have actual issues with your parents? Or does she have with her own, and she’s projecting that?
Having some people around is a good thing I think. As long as they respect your boundaries.
I don’t have anything to add to help you, the other commenters already handled it.
However what I wanted to say, I’m each time baffled anew how people can’t just talk about their issues with each other. I’m glad I filtered out everyone not able to do that long ago.
Do people not like talking or spending time with family? Are you and spouse that isolated that you spending more time visiting your parents worries your partner? Unless parents are toxic, it would be nice to have family around. And as your parents age it is nice to ne able to be helpful to them amd check if they are OK
Yeah, I don’t understand either. Why isn’t he happy to be able to see his family more often? It is great news for when his parents age and when he will have kids
Move further.
(Ï didn’t read the post)
I was worried about this with my “parents in law” and then it turned out to be pretty okay, with quite a bit of positive side-effects.
Lots of free, homemade food with a quick phone call.
Family is nice to have close. Yes, sometimes they are trash, but if they are good people, you will realise why people in more “family-based” countries are so much happier.
I understand she wants freedom in a house she lives in.
But if you go to visit your parents it is not of her concern. She can not get both.
She might be worried about some fantasy she has, but it might not be too bad in the end.
I am in this situation. My parther is close (physically and emotionally) to her family and I wouldn’t want them visiting. But I am happy for her (without me) to go.
Problem arises when she wants me to go too and that’s where fight starts. Either eight away or after visit, wether I go or not.
No advice, just my experience.
Serious question, why don’t you like to visit them or have them visit?
Talk with your partner and tell them you hear their concerns and they are valid. However, they need to understand that you have a need to be closer to your family or your family have a need to be closer to you. But that you will work with everyone to establish boundaries and you will make sure that they are respected so that everyone is happy.
Have this talk with your family as well and let them know that while you are happy to be closer, that you still need to have boundaries and that you hope they understand they need to respect them. When it happens it’s nothing personal that you just need your space.
If you communicate your needs like this I think it’ll work out for everyone
If you don’t think it will end well having a preemptive conversation, then something else is wrong with your relationship to your parents.
You are an adult. You set the boundaries.
The most important thing is to talk to your partner and establish boundaries and expectations for your parents. Boundaries could be something like “We are only free on thursdays. Please call Tuesday if you’d like to have dinner.” Or you can losen boundaries like “we’re both off of work this week. Come over whenever you want”
When I think expectations, I think about my weekly call with my sister and parents once a week. I can expect that will happen. Maybe you could set an expectation like we’ll have a meal at least once every two weeks.
I’ve got overbearing parents who believe they are owed attention and act belligerent when their expectations for it aren’t met. Is this the situation here?
Move far away…
We just moved, can’t do it again. I finally got a house with a sauna.
Probably wasn’t a good suggesting, anyway. Realistically, you need to talk to your parents. You can have an adult conversation with them about your and your partner’s wishes. If that ‘sours’ their attitude, then that is on them. Ultimately, your partner is more important than your parents so protect that relationship, first.