my supervisor is an extrovert, whereas I’m an introvert. She feels insulted if I don’t share my personal life with her and ridicules me before other coworkers because I separate private and work life and prefer to keep to myself.
I wrote mobbing because that’s what it feels to me: a ritual of hers is to always eat together, a time she uses to ask me questions I don’t want to answer. I usually answer very vaguely, which is not enough for her. If I eat alone, she’ll complaint about why am I being so unfriendly.
She doesn’t understand I need time alone to unwind.
She is convinced she is doing me a favor, but the opposite is true. It makes me dislike her even more.
I simply cannot win. It’s tiring being blamed and shamed for preferring to read a book instead of talking about dogs or sex.
It makes me want to quit.
I don’t know if I go to HR with an issue like this, because they may label me the odd one, the one who’s not a teamplayer and use it against me.
Most people are extroverted and react angrily to somebody who keeps to himself and I’ve been bullied several times for this. Extroverts don’t seem to understand that not showing interest in their sexual lives doesn’t mean disrespect, but simply that I don’t care about it.
Make it clear that your supervisor is trapped in your conversation, not the other way around. When you have to be professional, be professional. But the rest of the time, talk about the dirt between the planks of wood at home. Talk about the sedimentation process of your aquarium’s gravel. Basically the moste innate and boring topics that no normal human would bring up, repeated ad nauseam.
Make sure to take long pauses just to resume talking. Remember to take your time while monopolizing the conversation trying to find a word your forgot about.
Remember to mispronounce every word, especially if he corrects you but be sure to keep plausible deniability just in case he accuses you of doing it on purpose.
Remember to always blame everything on something that has no connection to it.
Remember to enrich your diet with garlic, to use terrible flavored candy or just skipping a meal for extra word flavor, if you can take the reputation hit.
Remember the magical phrase: “that reminds me of” and all variants of it.
Remember to look into his eyes, and to alternate between them and another part of his face as if something is wrong with it. Keep affirming that everything is alright while staring at that part.
Change the subject. All the time.
Have terribly strong inconsequential opinions and remind about them all the time.
Monopolize the conversation, but make him want to cut you off or talk. I
IMPORTANT : If the other party is silent, state how comfortable you are with this silent friendship.
I would keep the vague answers and start asking the questions myself. Very specific and more personal each time. To see where she can get before she gets the message.
don’t do this OP
I could see that backfiring though…
If you’re ok with being up front with people, you could just say “hey, do you mind giving me some alone time while I eat? It’s nothing personal, I just prefer to use this time to recharge by myself.”
If you’d prefer to manufacture an excuse, you could tell her you’re going to use your lunch hour to try a new mindfulness meditation technique you heard about, and need to avoid conversation during that time.
If you have the option to take your lunch somewhere else where she won’t find or bother you, that’s an option.
I think usually just keeping your nose in your book a few seconds too long before giving short answers to questions, then going right back to reading, is enough discomfort for a person like her that even if she didn’t get the hint that you don’t care to be bothered, she would at least prefer talking to someone else instead.
OP, I’d urge you to reconsider framing this whole thing as an “extrovert vs introvert” battle. Your boss is demonstrating poor boundaries and disrespectful and inappropriate behavior, and that has nothing to do with whether she’s an I or E on the Myers-Briggs.
Whether or not you go to HR depends a lot on your company culture. Either way, you need to be documenting specific comments and specific behaviors that are inappropriate first. Every time she asks you an uncomfortable question, especially if it relates to sex, write down what she asked, how you responded (that you declined to answer and asked her to stop asking personal questions), who else was present, and the date/time. Keep this in a personal account, not company. Do NOT go to HR without documentation.
We don’t know how big your company is, but odds are if she’s a middle manager she’s got people above her already who know she’s a gossip and hate that. If you have any relationship at all with her supervisor, it’s generally viewed as following the chain of command if you bring concerns like this directly to them, as well.
If you’re in a reasonably sized company, do NOT go to HR. She might get fired for her behavior, you WILL be fired for starting a fire. HR does NOT like fires.
I had the good fortune to battle the CTO of a multinational who couldn’t keep his hands off the employees. Everyone was too afraid to speak up, I was not. The CTO was fired. One day after he fired me with the full support of HR, because “you are incompetent in your job”. Mind you this was after multiple stellar reviews of my local superiors
Like I said, whether you should go to HR will depend a lot on your company culture. In all the jobs I’ve worked, I’ve had HR departments that would’ve taken your complaint seriously and not allowed you to be retaliated against in that way. Btw, what you’re describing does sound like retaliation, which is totally a lawsuit you could pursue
This is terrible advice.
OP needs to set boundaries in a paper traceable way after establishing then in person (an email of “dear boss lady, I want to eat lunch alone, kthxbye”), and track violations of those boundaries (dear boss lady, today you sat with me at lunch after I asked you not to, please explain why). (Obviously be more professional).
Then after a few violations, OP can go to HR because suddenly the boss lady is starting the fire; there is a clear history of personal boundaries not being maintained, leading to a hostile work environment.
This only doesn’t work when the company is like 5 people and HR is your boss’s cousin or whatever.
For the record, Introversion and Extroversion have a scientific basis. The Myers-Briggs does not.
When I saw the title, my first reaction was to talk it out and explain your feelings to her. Once I read the rest, though, I changed my mind.
This is shaming and bullying. Sex is also a huge no-no. A supervisor should know better. HR is probably your best option.
I know that for years it’s been popular to say things like “HR exists to protect the company, not you.” In many cases, that’s still true. However, companies (and society in general) have become more sympathetic to issues like yours. They’d rather discipline people like her than deal with the multimillion dollar settlements that people like her cause.
One note: document everything brought up to HR. If it is a small HR department, they could very well be friends with the supervisor and take their side. HR does indeed exist to protect the company but it is also made up of people (often extroverted ones). Documenting everything can help you out if there is any sort of retaliation. A threat of a lawsuit is absolutely something that can make a company be very apologetic and much more generous. I have had several friends that made sure they documented everything and were given six months severance when there was a possibility of a lawsuit.
Join a union if you haven’t already, talk to a union rep.
This is something you bring up in your annual review if you can hold out that long. Reviews are supposed to be 2 way streets to make work & employees more effective.
Be polite but frank and firm. If you’re in California this is a huge no no, as anytime you’re interruptted during your unpaid lunch time by your supervisor or work, the clock starts again and you get that time for lunch guaranteed.
If you’re not in California, uhhhhhh…good luck.
I like answering with completely bullshit made up stories. Over the top, but still comprehensible. It’s obvious they’re fake, but there’s no hard proof of it.
You used a Germanism. Do you have a Betriebsrat?
Also, don’t make introversion your entire personality.
It’s important for you to learn to set boundaries. And to block questions that you feel are hitting “too close to home”. So don’t respond. Just tell her that you have a private life that you’d like to keep to yourself.
There’s nothing wrong with that. You just need some time and practice to stand up for yourself. :)
Provide her with some literature on introverts to read while you read your preferred material.
Extroverts don’t seem to understand that not showing interest in their sexual lives doesn’t mean disrespect, but simply that I don’t care about it.
I was on the fence until this. This is extremely unprofessional and, if I understand correctly, could even get the company sued. Here’s how I’d personally handle it; but take this with a grain of salt because I’ve never actually had to deal with something like this before:
First, talk to a lawyer. Tell them what’s going on an get their thoughts and suggestions. The suggestions following may be way off-base.
Then, start keeping track of every time she brings something like that up, and log how you responded, how it made you feel, how she reacted to you response. You’re collecting evidence for a lawsuit on the basis of a toxic and highly unprofessional work environment that’ll hopefully never actually happen.
Once you have enough info that you could potentially launch said lawsuit, double-check with your lawyer and then you go to HR.
YOUR LAWYER WILL LIKELY TELL YOU THIS: DO NOT THREATEN A LAWSUIT. DO NOT EVEN HINT AT A LAWSUIT. DO NOT MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT A LAWSUIT, PERIOD. IF YOU MAKE ANY MENTION OF LEGAL ACTION THEN YOU WILL DESTROY YOUR CHANCES OF HAVING A POSITIVE OUTCOME FROM THIS MEETING. THEY ARE ALMOST GUARANTEED TO FIRE YOU AND THEN IMMEDIATELY LAWYER UP. THEY MAY EVEN ATTEMPT TO DESTROY EVIDENCE IF THEY THINK IT’S PREFERABLE TO A SUCCESSFUL LAWSUIT.
Make sure you log your interaction with HR as well; what you discussed, if you felt your concerns were heard during the meeting, and then make a follow-up log a week or two later to note if there was any change as a result of your meeting.
If there was no change, talk to your lawyer and consider trying again (and log everything again), and again, do not threaten, mention or even hint at any kind of legal action whatsoever. You’re trying to give the company ample chance to respond to your concerns.
If there was still no change, go talk to your lawyer about the possibility of pursuing legal action. It could be legitimately worth it, especially if they decide to fire you after your first or second meeting with HR.
Your goal is to have a paper trail so long and thorough that you can hang them with it (figuratively, in court) if necessary.
Just hold your ground and keep reading your book, eating alone etc. If someone enters personal territory, shut it down by being honest “I don’t want to talk about that” and move on. Resist peer pressure and be who you are, it’s the same as it was in school.
Also, talk to your coworkers (I know it’s hard) about whether they think it’s appropriate. You have an impression they’re on board with this level of “intimacy” but it’s possible they are just going along to get along.
If persisting doesn’t work then it’s probably time to find another job. Plenty of workplaces out there that just want you to do your job and no more.
HR is definitely not on your side either, unless you can point to specific violations of policy. They exist specifically to cover their own ass, not to actually make your life better.
Do you work somewhere where you can escape for an hour over lunch, perhaps? Like go to the gym or something? Out of sight out of mind.
I totally get the feeling of being mobbed, but to be honest find a way to cope with it at work. A lot of work places are by definition social places so it’s going to be really hard avoiding interactions all the time. Maybe go for a walk with a podcast or something?
Good luck 🤞.
Sheila, I’m a very private person and I would like to keep my work and home life separated. I need that to feel comfortable. I’m here to get work done and happy to talk about anything omnoir work.
