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Well I’m not sure which was the biggest shock, discovering that I have a partner or discovering that we’re having a baby. Both, as you might imagine, came as quite a surprise to an asexual man in his 50s who has never had a girlfriend. ;)

We’re almost to our daughter’s 9th month of life. We’re both overtired and feeling overworked, with precious little of the time we used to spend on hobbies or couple-time. That said, while there’s been a shift towards an expectation culture in the house (vs an ask culture) we haven’t had the sort of challenges listed in that first paragraph.

Some things probably working for us:

• We’ve been together for over a decade and in our home for 9 years

• Our communication style is productive even during arguments (“I feel” statements are much more positive than “you” statements)

• We’re majority wfh so we have the capacity to buffer each others’ needs as parents throughout the day, rather than leaving everything to one person or having additional financial stresses with childcare

Some things definitely working for us:

• Calling each other out for awesome parenting, because very few others will and it’s amazing to feel that validation

• Proactively taking something off of each other’s plates, whether that’s cleaning or laundry, dishes or bottles, whatever task is getting done is one that doesn’t have to be done later

• Knowing about spoon theory and being sensitive to how much bandwidth each other has left. It’s way harder to recharge from past depleted, so being flexible and recognizing when I or my partner are reaching that point and stepping in or voicing a need for support goes a long way for both of us

How do you find the mental fortitude to ignore the stupid bs your partner does or says?

I mean, we’re both sleep deprived so I’m sure there’s stupid coming out of my mouth too. I think it’s much healthier to laugh or work to improve the condition causing stress than it is to feed a negative cycle. If either of us are escalating we missed a chance to bolster each other.

How would you describe love to your partner a year after having a baby?

Gratitude. I feel incredibly fortunate to have a partner who puts in the effort and has put in the effort to help build the communication style that’s worked so well for us.

Is there any way to know if you and your partner are going to make it and remain a couple after having a child?

It really helps to have a relationship built on respect, and knowing enough about yourselves to approach challenges constructively. Build a good foundation with each other, learn to communicate positively, and do your best.

Whatever is there before baby will be made a thousand fold. Children are amplifiers.

If you and your partner already have a culture of flexibility and support and caring for each other you will be fine. It will still be work and there will still be tough times, but you’ll be able to get through. You’ll probably come out closer than you thought possible.

If either of you have bubbling resentments or distrust, or very rigid ideas about who should be doing what and when, the difficulties may be insurmountable.

Well, the biggest change in our case was that she basically did not want to be touched for the whole pregnancy plus a full year afterwards. To provide some context and what I mean, she’d get annoyed with holding hands, and really frustrated with hugging. Physical contact is big for me, so that was really rough. Then, she convinced me that every pregnancy is different and that probably wouldn’t happen the next time (it did). It’s been over a decade, and I’ve basically just come to terms with the fact that sex really isn’t a part of our relationship anymore. That was a really, really difficult thing to adjust to, but I did adjust to it. I eventually saw that it had to be a choice, and had to ask myself what was more important. I decided that I liked my relationship with my wife and my kids better than I liked sex. I’m not going to try and convince you that it’s better; it’s not, it’s just different, and I’m good with that. Definitely not everyone would be, YMMV.

I don’t want to frighten you, OP, I’m just telling you my lived experience. It really is different for every person, and having kids is not an easy thing, so it’s going to change you. You can’t say how your partner may change any more than you can know how much you’ll change in five years. Only you and your partner can decide what you’re both willing to put up with. If you want to stay with them, do it. If not, don’t.

We broke up before my son was even born. It was for the best though, he’ll never have to go through the breakup.

We used to be cool.

There’s a movie called Night Bitch that will provide insights into what it’s like being the primary caretaker in today’s world.