So, my good friend (18m) had a falling out with his ex (19m) because the ex bullied him and also because he is apparently dating a 16f, so my friend thinks he is a pedophile for obvious reasons (adult + minor).
I can see why this would be considered bad but also, when I turn 16, my girlfriend will be 19 too, as I am currently a young sophomore who is about 3 years younger than her girlfriend, a senior.
The problem with age gaps isn’t age; it’s experience and power. Three years is still a big percentage of your life right now. In ten years time, three years will not be as significant a part of your life.
Think about how different you expect to be as a person in three years. Can you even realistically imagine who you will be?
As far as relationships - they work out when the people in them have common goals, and they fail- no matter how much love is in there- when the people involved are going in different directions in life. Part of your problem at your age is that the direction of your like is likely to change drastically over the coming years in ways you cannot anticipate.
I appreciate this answer, because it at least tries to reason from first principles. You can’t, imo, have this conversation without actually defining what we consider to be the problem.
I think the key concern is that age – particularly during teenage years – typically correlates with a power imbalance. And the concern is that the younger person could be exploited and/or suffer harm. However we need to remember:
- It’s possible for relationships to have a power imbalance and no one is harmed or looks back with regret.
- It’s possible for relationships between people of the same age to be very harmful/regretable.
So the questions I have are: how correlated is a specific age gap with severe harm? And what would we advise in this situation?
I think that a 16 year-old probably has around a 50% of getting badly hurt in a relationship with another 16 year-old, and probably a ~65% chance with a 19 year-old. Because a 19 year-old can probably manipulate a 16 year-old better than their peer, but they’re also presumably a bit more experienced and mature, which can be a good thing.
I’m making these predictions presuming that they’re sexually active, btw. Which I think is probable. But if they’re not, I think that the risks go down to around 10% chance in both cases. This is just my gut impression. So I’d just advise any 16 year-old in a relationship with a 19 year-old to move VERY slowly physically, and talk frequently to an older friend or sibling. And if your partner wants to do anything you’re uncomfortable talking about with your older friend or sibling, that’s a sign you shouldn’t do it.
If you follow that rule, I think 16 and 19 is no big deal. Because I really want to emphasize: a lot of the risk already exists when a 16 year-old dates someone their own age.
Your answer right here, is why people need to think a little about age gaps. Like, I’ve heard and see people date where one is 21 years old and the other is like 32. Perfectly legal, however, that is a giant gap of this experience and power. The 32 year old will be in a considerably different worldview than the 21 year old and it’ll be completely jarring to function as a normal relationship.
16-19? Not pedophilia. Not literally nor legally, move on.
Pedophilia means being attracted by somebody who does not show sexual maturity yet, and I strongly doubt that I the case (I have a 16yo daughter, so…). And laws, usually, have clear exceptions for similar ages people like this, as it’s expected and quite normal. I mean given how stupid males are at that age, he being 3y older alny means they are closer than two 16yo.
Are they both in school? Is there some power imbalance or abuse? Otherwise, move on and let them live their lives.
It’s not literally pedophilia, cool, but it is still creepy and child abuse
being 16 makes a 19 year old seem like a real adult
it wont end well, this situation probably means the younger party isn’t in a good place, some 19yo bozo isn’t in a position to support someone
I have no idea which part of the world you live, but here nothing of that is true most of the time.
That would be a love story between a first year and a last year student. Maybe unusual, but mostly doomed to last 3 months at best.
Indeed a 17-19 is more common, and 18-19 quite common, but I wouldnt worry too much. Monitor yes, specially if the 16yo is somebody I care for/of.
But child abuse? That’s a bit stretched.
The half your age plus 7 rule holds up even then in my book. It’s not like you turn 18 and have to suddenly dump your 17 year old partner.
19/2=9.5, 9.5+7 is 16.5. so if she’s closer to 17 than just turned 16 than the rule holds up. He is on the lowest bar though.
You’re going to find there’s a lot of creepy guys who hang around your high school and try to get with high school girls because they’re emotionally stunted and don’t know how to attract someone of the same age. When you see a 22 year old guy prowling around a 16 or 17 year old, alarm bells should be going off. Your friend? It’s nearing weird but if this is a one-off case I wouldn’t be too surprised. It’s like a senior dating a sophomore.
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The difference in age between 22 and 25 is a lot less than between 19 and 16.
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The same numerically. You’re not that obtuse, so is this a joke or are you a cringey debatelord?
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Doubling down on feigned obtuseness, I see.
You can take the girl out of Reddit, but can’t take the Reddit out of the girl.
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The age difference is about 20% smaller if you add 5 years. Development doesn’t happen linearly, though, so the difference is even bigger.
A 10 year age gap is the same numerically at age 40-50 as it is at age 10-20 but they are clearly vastly different. There’s an implicit power imbalance.
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I gave a more extreme example to demonstrate that your “they are the same numerically” idea is flawed
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Your critical thinking skills are somewhat lacking, I’m sorry to say
It’s the same numerically, like you said.
social justice warriors
Okay boomer.
As said, case by case situation. It’s an adult dating a minor, but sufficiently close in age to be waived, with several restrictions and close watch by all involved, especially family members.
At those ages its tough. I have a friend who secretly started dating his wife when she was in junior high while he was in high school. Once she was 18 they officially started dating for a year then did the one year engagement and then got married to be all proper but they had known each other for like half a decade or more before the official thing. Have not hung around with them for awhile but from facebook they still seem to be married and their kids are getting pretty old. Ultimately he is only like 4 years older than her and something which if your talking 18 and 22 is no big deal but 18 and 14 gets real weird.
Yes it really is… I know when in High School you don’t get that , but once your removed from that isolated environment you will se it.
I think with an european perspective 16 and 19 sounds like a bit significant difference to me, and most possibly others may get worried.
Imo 17 and 19 is totally okay, but I hope your relationship will stand and stay safe.
iffy to some, big maturity difference but romeo and juliet laws, i believe, say it’s fine.
In my experience, a 19yo male is as mature as a 16yo female… (Well, maybe, not always…)
A 16yo male would be significantly less mature than a 16yo female…
What I mean is that male and female mature differently and boys grow up later than girls. I would see as puzzling a 19yo female dating a 16yo male.
*age divided by two plus seven, round up with acknowledgments to experience gaps / power dynamics"/
“19 / 2 = 9.5 + 7 = 16.5” rounded is a plain seventeen.
His ex is in the wrong. Not even taking into account the experience gap between the two / power dynamics.
While I don’t know your specifics kid, I recommend taking some time to write down a few things:
- What you’re capable of versus what your older girlfriend is capable of.
- What are you able to provide versys what your older girlfriend is able to provide.
- What you give verus what you get.
The final advice is be careful of those older than you until you’re at least done with college.
39 and 16? Bad. 25 and 15? Bad. 55 and 17? Bad.
Glad we cleared some of those examples up. Oh and so long as this 16-19 relationship isn’t all sexual because the moment someone figures it out that it is, it won’t matter what your beliefs are, past 18 is legal adult age and she’s still a teen. That’s like, going up against a universally agreed wrong thing to do vs your beliefs.
Not sure what country you’re in but if you’re 15 currently I’d be more concerned about your relationship. That is, if the legal age of consent is 16 as regardless of the morals around a relatively small age gap in the eyes of the law that is pedophilia. I anticipate your friend is OK seeming as his boyfriend is already at the age of consent.
A tangent: a 15yr old friend were caught getting frisky with their 15yr old boyfriend and they both got put on a sexual offenders list! Madness
First off: if, then he wouldn’t be a pedophile but a hebephile. Small, but important difference.
Second: there are the laws. If you’re breaking laws, it could quickly become a problem (obviously).
But finally, what you were actually getting to: it really depends. There are plenty of age cases that are unacceptable no matter what (e.g. if he were 25 instead of 19, for instance). People mature differently. I’ve met people who were 16 where you could think they were 20, and vice-versa. If one is much more mature than the other, than you have a power imbalance, and that’s the problem. And that can happen with two people of the same age, as well (although it’s less likely).
So, no, 16 and 19 isn’t necessarily wrong, per se. The question is: is the relationship in question problematic?
a 4 year gap around that time is kind of a grey area, especially with high school kids. It’ll only be a problem if someone presses charges. It might do some psychological uncomfortable feelings for the younger one, but from what I’ve heard that’s a case-by-case basis.
Also local laws can vary from providence to providence. Like in the US the age of consent is 18 but there are some states that go as low as 16 on that front
America does not have a national age of consent; each state sets their own. It’s 16 in 30 states, 17 in nine states, and 18 in 11 states.
Yes, the age of consent is 16 in the majority of the USA.
Several of the states which set it at 17 or 18 also have close in age exemptions (AKA Romeo and Juliet laws) which cover the case that OP raises. In such cases, it is legal to have sex with somebody slightly below the age of consent as long as both people are sufficiently close in age; some states, such as Texas, also require them to have been dating since both were under the state age of consent. This means that, in most of America, it is perfectly legal for a 19-year-old to have sex with a 16-year-old.
The misunderstanding most likely comes from the fact that the majority of entertainment media is made in New York and California, where the age of consent is 18 with no exceptions, and pop culture writers act like this is the case everywhere.
Also I should clarify that bringing a minor across state limes to take advantage of a lower age of consent is a felony, for obvious reasons.
