So, my last post was a complete shit show. I had no idea it would get this much attention. Not necessarily happy that it did.
First off, to the moderation team, please accept this hug from this trans bunny girl right here. Because damn it, do you deserve it. I’m so sorry for what happened, I do kind of feel responsible and I’m worried that by posting this, I’m going to make things worse.
Second, it is astounding the amount of entitlement that so many men feel. In this thread, I’ve seen lots of dudes being offended but what was more striking was: A bunch of guys being told about the rule, AND DOUBLING AND SOMETIMES TRIPLING DOWN!
When I wrote this post, I was thinking of adding a huge: “Please read the rules before commenting, this is a women only space” and I didn’t do it, I didn’t want to overstep the boundaries of the moderation. I would change that, looking back.
You know what kills me about all of this? It’s that, as a transfeminine bun, the typical trans-misogynistic shit being thrown my way is that I’m just a guy disguising myself as a woman to invade “real women” spaces, to which of course, the answer always is: Guys don’t need to put in this much effort to invade women spaces, they just walk in like they own the place and it’s enough.
This post was yet another perfect demonstration of that. And men can’t understand, they just can’t, because they don’t go through it, they don’t know what it’s like, they never even have to think about it. Women are being excluded passively all over the internet, but the second there is a women only thing, we have guys constantly trying to brigade it and to destroy it because taking all the space already isn’t enough.
A woman can’t express herself online without being bombarded with reply guys telling her that she’s wrong, that she’s exaggerating, and don’t forget the usual dudes insisting that they’re part of the good ones. And god forbid if you’re expressing your frustration in a way that might be a bit too generalizing or angry, because of course “#NotAllMen”, a guy will say proving exactly that yes, it is all men. It’s not hating an entire group, it’s not being misandrist, it’s just drowning in misogyny and being rightfully pissed off about it, but we can’t even have that.
We’re never allowed to be ourselves, we’re never allowed to be vulnerable as women, we’re never allowed to vent or be upset at the shit that we have to endure from men all the time, we just have to take it. All because the average dude’s ego is both so enormous and so fragile that he can’t accept that it’s not about him, or even begin to understand that he might be the problem here when he’s been repeatedly told that this is not a space for him.
It’s incredibly disheartening. Because when it works, I love this community, it’s a safe haven on the internet. But the second we dare to talk about more than: “I love being a girl!” and go into something along the lines of: “Misogyny is crushing to deal with”, things spiral out of control and we have to deal with yet another stunning example of men barging in, seemingly desperate to prove the point.
In the beginning I said this:
I’m worried that by posting this, I’m going to make things worse.
You see this? This is exactly what I’m talking about.
I didn’t write it to prove a point, I wrote it because I’m genuinely worried about this. Because I have to actively be careful about what I do, what I say, what I wear, what I show, as to not attract the ire of misogyny. All the time. It’s always in the back of my mind, it’s a never ending anxiety. It’s something that men, even the most well meaning ones, can’t and will never be able to understand. I just wish they’d be able to accept it and to believe us.
EDIT:
IT HAPPENED HERE AS WELL! We had a guy come in, knowing full well he was breaking the rule, but he wanted to share his “personal experience”, his opinion. In other words, fucking mansplain to us why this keeps happening. He couldn’t help himself, he just had to share his unsolicited opinion because he is just that important as a man. I have people asking me all the time why I only hang out with trans people and women, and it’s simple: They respect my fucking boundaries!
I’m so sorry for what happened …
Honey, please never take the blame for the actions of others. The others either knew the rules or were quickly apprised of them. It was their choice, not yours, to comment where they knew they were not welcome. The blame falls on them, not on you.
This acidic sexagenarian appreciates your posts and your insights. Please don’t be chased off by the assholes.
as a transfeminine bun, the typical trans-misogynistic shit being thrown my way is that I’m just a guy disguising myself as a woman to invade “real women” spaces
FWIW this acidic sexagenarian appreciates your participation here and welcomes you with open arms; you’ve got it worse than cis women do and deserve a safe, welcoming space, which I hope this group is for you.
We’re never allowed to be ourselves, we’re never allowed to be vulnerable as women …
I’m done being vulnerable (there’s not enough time left for me to be so), so this acidic sexagenarian will go full berserk bulldog on your behalf so you can be as vulnerable as you like. My knives (both metaphorical and literal) are for you.
It’s something that men, even the most well meaning ones, can’t and will never be able to understand.
Some genuinely do. And the reason you never hear from them is because they, you know stay out of a women-only space. So the tragedy is you only get the open misogynists, the closet misogynists, and the utterly fucking clueless in our group. (But that post you linked to? Not a single one there fell into the last group.)
My SO gets it. He’s on Lemmy too. Quite an active participant. And you will never see him in this space because he understands what “women only” means. And after I go off on a rampage in a post like the one you linked to, he’s there to listen patiently as I gesticulate wildly and rant angrily about fucking idiot men. Without commenting.
Unfortunately, as I said, this means we only ever see the whiny pricks and sociopathic assholes.
I just want to add that there is currently a problem with our mod tools since we moved everything over after the hack. As a result, the mods are unable to moderate as efficiently as they could before.
Because they’re normally so on top of things, that thread was a good example of what things look like when they can’t moderate properly.
We’re hoping to get it fixed soon!
It bothers me so much that they just can’t keep themselves out of women-only spaces. I get major imposter syndrome (despite being on HRT, and being 99% out), and then actual men break the rule. It makes me feel… I’m not sure. It’s upsetting, that’s for sure.
I’d once again like to acknowledge, and appologise for the fact, that I made a… not-so-great comment, which caused a fair amount of trouble.
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- I don’t think I quite feel angry (except on y’all’s behalf), but more distressed. It makes me worry that I’m invading women’s spaces. It still feels hard to believe I’m a woman, despite saying “I’m a man” feeling like a blatant lie.
- I wasn’t trying to start a fight, but I did say things that I really shouldn’t’ve; hence my apology.
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Thanks :3
But also like genuinely what is the obvious part? (It’s hard to see one’s self objectively).
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It’s the hearts and cat-faces, isn’t it? lol
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There is nothing to apologise for they shouldn’t have been in the thread to read the comment in the first place. They come here and attack us just for existing it’s utterly wrong
I agree that what they did was wrong. However, I still shouldn’t have made such a comment. It was bigoted, to say the least.
Meh. I’ve said similar things (even here) when angry. A little talking to by @LadyButterfly@LadyButterfly@piefed.blahaj.zone and I sheepishly delete it and it’s all good.
Can’t be mad at you for doing the same.
It helps to know I’m not the only one to’ve made such mistakes.
This is absolutely positively NOT your fault and you have absolutely nothing to apologise for. Those types attack us whenever they feel like it…we’re women and have lots of trans members, plus we have some LGB AND non white people (oh the horrors!!) So they hate us.
We had a glitch on piefed so couldn’t ban people otherwise it would have been sorted sooner. I’m just sorry you had to deal with all that shit
I agree totally, it’s so exhausting to constantly deal with
You know what kills me about all of this? It’s that, as a transfeminine bun, the typical trans-misogynistic shit being thrown my way is that I’m just a guy disguising myself as a woman to invade “real women” spaces, to which of course, the answer always is: Guys don’t need to put in this much effort to invade women spaces, they just walk in like they own the place and it’s enough.
This is one of the things I hate from most of men (with the usual exceptions). They can’t understand the concept of someone feeling different from what they’re supposed to according to the genitalia they got at birth. And even worse, as you say, is that they will feel entitled to every space but will have a problem if you try to enter (with a just reason) the same space they are invading.
The reason for this is the entitlement. They own the place (or so they think), so why can’t they enter? And most importantly, why can YOU enter while they can’t? I think the transphobia you suffer is motivated by this. They are pissed because they are excluded from a place where you can enter and they don’t like it because this society never trained them to get a no for an answer.
You know what kills me about all of this? It’s that, as a transfeminine bun, the typical trans-misogynistic shit being thrown my way is that I’m just a guy disguising myself as a woman to invade “real women” spaces, to which of course, the answer always is: Guys don’t need to put in this much effort to invade women spaces, they just walk in like they own the place and it’s enough.
preach girl preach 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
And god forbid if you’re expressing your frustration in a way that might be a bit too generalizing or angry, because of course “#NotAllMen”, a guy will say proving exactly that yes, it is all men. It’s not hating an entire group, it’s not being misandrist, it’s just drowning in misogyny and being rightfully pissed off about it, but we can’t even have that.
it’s so frustrating - someone will post some obviously misogynistic shit and you’ll take the time to explain why it’s misogynistic and then a bunch of fragile guys will instantly start downvoting (not @rimu@piefed.social tho, he’s single handedly the one #NotAllMen <3) and explaining how they’re just misunderstood and are actually one of the good ones - my guys just take the L
how come most can understand when we say ACAB replying with #NotAllCops isn’t defensible - yet those same people will unironically defend #NotAllMen as if systemic critique is specifically about them - to quote another ally: “either get with it, or get out of the fucking way”
on the broader point of the “angry woman” trope - the world we live in makes it impossible to escape this - so as The Feminist Killjoy Handbook by Sara Ahmed teaches us (a highly recommended read btw - again brought up to me by another ally (and to the men lurkers in here - this is how you help women not by defending yourself as “one of the good ones”) - actions speak much louder than words)
anyways as I was saying: Sara teaches us that instead of running away from the trope of the angry “killjoy” we should embrace her - as she comes from a long line of feminists that have fought so hard to get us to where we are today and men have attemped to dismiss all of them by using that same trope - so use that righteous anger to keep up the fight and to always remember that you’re not alone, never have and never will be 🫶🏼
I disagree, Rimu is fragile, defensive and frequently goes on banning sprees against anyone who questions them. They might not be a misogynist, but it doesn’t make them a good person.
ah I dont know them that well then - I’ve just seen them hate tankies and have a decent stance on women’s issues - I’ll keep my eyes peeled - thanks!
No problem. I should have said I agree so much with the rest of what you said instead of jumping on that one thing. It’s just my opinion from screenshots I’ve seen and personal issues with how piefed is run, so obviously you’re free to make up your own mind.
Still, allies are allies, even if they’ve got problems. I’ll keep an eye out as well, since I didn’t know Rimu had taken a stance on women’s issues.
as a nonbinary person afab, i wrote one comment here and then felt guilty. thanks for the clarity, i cant believe some peoples entitlement!
You are more then welcome here! 🫶
Hey mate! Mod here. Non binary, trans men etc are 100% welcome here ❤️
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You’re welcome, and if here is somewhere that fits you, we’d love to have you
Eyyyy welcome fellow nb.
Thank you for wording it so well – brigading is exactly what it feels like. I can’t believe how many self-righteous masc commenters are on this c/. It’s gross – and it’s not just /womensstuff. I see it all the time with neighbours, randos in public etc…
Ugh, the #NotAllMen bothers me so much in a women’s space too.
Like. Dude. We know! We all know that it’s not all men. Nobody’s trying to say that it is all men.
But it’s some of them. So we hold our purses a little tighter and walk faster towards the car in the parking lot at night. So we avoid being out alone when it’s dark. So we carry our self defense methods, and we stay wary.
Not because it’s all men, but because it’s always men.
I think it’s important to draw a hard line on this question and say that, no, it is all men.
Every time a dude says #NotAllMen, they’re just proving the point. It’s like “ACAB”. Yes, all cops.
It’s not about the individuals, it’s about the institutions and systems that protects and enables them. It’s about the fact that all men are raised and educated to be like that, in a world that is constantly pushing and reinforcing them to be like that. It’s not about the fact that all men are murderous, rapists, misogynists. It’s that they have the potential to be because society treats them favorably for it. And it’s about the fact that to any random women out there, there’s no telling the difference between if it’s the apple that’s rotten or the tree, nor does it matter if at the end of the day, eating an apple is like playing russian roulette.
Rules have exceptions, they don’t change the rule. It’s an uncomfortable reality, but a reality nonetheless.
While I agree with the sentiment, my main pushback is that it’s important not to assume all of the individuals are at fault (even if they do benefit from the system) when interacting with them.
There are some incredible men out there, fighting for the rights and equality of women, and I commend them for it. Others are complete asshats who don’t deserve the time of day, and barely deserve the air they breathe.
To me it’s a matter of… Yeah, guys. We know it’s not literally all men, but somehow it’s always a man.
All that is true. However, I like that this is the one place where I’ll be backed up if I tell a dude to get the hell out.
It’s the one place where I know I’ll have people protect me as well. It’s why it matters so much to me.
Then I’ve got your back, too.
It’s pretty simple. My mom always told me that men don’t understand the word No.
They really don’t. It’s the common thing I have with all of the guys who came up to me in the street to flirt with me. How hard I had to push for them to understand that I was saying no, without outright telling them to fuck off.
What you’re saying -> No, I’m not interested.
What they’re hearing -> She’s playing hard to get, I should try harder. She just needs to see the real me and she’ll turn around.
Well one good thing (debateably I suppose lol) happened because of it, I found out about this community. Hi ladies <3
You’re not the first one to reply to this thread saying this. It was so worth it, then. <3
on youtube, you can create rules that are shown when someone tries to comment on one of your videos for the first time
i feel like this feature would help with this problem if it was implemented on most clients
Given how 90% of the men who comment react when you point to the rules? I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t help very much at all, sadly. We’re talking children who were never told “no” in their entire lives reacting like the inner toddlers they are.
Yeah but at this point: Point, click, ban, move on. No need for endless cuddling of feelings or whatever.
I’m not sure anybody would ever accuse me of coddling the whiny turds of the manosphere… 😂
I didn’t mean to make it seem like I’m accusing you or anyone, I apologize.
Oh, I didn’t take it as that! I just saw an image of me being nice to a manosphere loser in my head and started laughing.
It would make banning them from the comm easier.
