I’ve been out as trans and living openly as a woman for only a few months now.
harrasment & violence
In that time I’ve been sexually harassed, physically threatened, screamed at from cars, had people up in my face, up to and including pushing me over, raising fists to me, screaming slurs and derogatory words at me from inches away from my face, and being sexually assaulted in a crowded public place.
I know much of that can be attributed to transphobia but a lot of is just pure misogyny. Nearly every time I leave the house some man will aggressively intrude into my day and make me feel extremely unsafe. This is in response to me literally just walking around saying nothing, looking at the floor.
I always knew that women had a justified fear of men. Now I have it too. Whatever I thought I understood before from listening to women, it’s nothing compared to what it’s like to live it.
I am so deeply sorry, honey. My heart breaks for you. I hope you know that you don’t ever deserve aaany of that shit! I wish I could bite all their heads off for you and for everyone else these garbage bags harass. :(
I’m sending so much love to you over the Internet. I’m so damn sorry that this has been part of your welcoming to finding and living openly as the woman you are. I don’t even know what to say, it’s just not right!! It’s extra fucked because it’s like, this should be such a joyous time for you, and as usual the assholes ruin it for the decent, innocent people. I hate it so much. I’m all weepy over here for you. I’m sending you big, big Internet hugs, if you want them. 🫂💖
Hey it is actually the most joyous time of my life. For every one negative interaction I have several more positive ones. Warm, open smiles from other women, nods and smiles of queer recognition and solidarity etc. I’m just genuinely so very very happy.
I just wanted to share here because it’s something that I got to see from both sides if you know what I mean. I used to be invisible and now I’m not. And now I understand what that fear feels like, before I used to just hear about from other women.
I’m happy for you, that you’re able to live openly now.
And sorry, yeah. It’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t been in the shit. There will be good experiences, too.
I once met the coolest men who were drunkenly celebrating a bachelor party and invited me to join (I was smoking a cigar alone on a beach after a break up) and we became friends, so I try not to close myself off to that kind of thing. At the same time all the shoving and shouting and touching makes it really fucking hard to do that.
I have a ton of great men in my life. Kind and gentle and protective in the right way. I’m not afraid of all men. But yeah the scary stuff happens often enough that I’ve learned to be very careful where I walk, to cluch my keys, to location share etc. It’s just all the stuff that other women have told me about their whole lives. It’s just quite an intense experience to have suddenly been dropped into it all in my 30s.
I’m not sure how well this might work for a woman, but as a man there is definitely some stuff you can do when traveling and/or walking through dangerous neighbourhoods to avoid being bothered in public. Maybe it’s worth considering, so I’ll just leave it here. It’s not going to reduce it by 100%, but it makes it less likely. I’m not a big or scary looking man, but this advice has served me pretty well.
I’ll start with the tourist example because it might be the most obvious. Tourists are usually more likely to be mugged or scammed, because they can make easy victims. One way you can spot them, is if they have a backpack, are walking with their phone in their hand, and seem to not know exactly where they are going. If someone is walking confidently, has no backpack, and their phone is put away, you probably wouldn’t know they are tourists.
So now let’s translate that. If you are walking through a dangerous neighbourhood, or even just in the street, the last thing you want is to look like easy prey for people who like to bully others, beat people up, or muggers. Ways you can do that is, simply, to look like you belong there, and you’re confident in yourself and not afraid. Stand straight and don’t look at the floor. Walk with purpose. You know what you’re doing and have a reason to be there. But that doesn’t mean you should walk stiff, you should still look relaxed. And if you happen to look someone in the eyes, don’t look at the floor if you can help it. Holding eye contact can seem like a threat or invitation to some people, so don’t hold it either, but you should just look to the side (next to them, or behind/beyond them). If you look at the floor after locking eyes they might see it as fear, and decide you’re an easy target.
And of course clothes can also play a part (for tourists, or walking in a bad neighborhood with fancy clothes), but it still helps. I know that from experience.
Again, this isn’t a silver bullet, and I’m not sure how well it translates for women, but I think it’s worth considering.
EDIT:
Just want to add an edit to say: you don’t have to default to rudeness on the internet, which is what most unfortunately do online. It’s possible to politely tell someone that they did something wrong. It’s how people usually do it in the real world, it doesn’t have to be different on the internet. People can make mistakes with no ill intention. If you choose rudeness and to be disrespectful, don’t be surprised when people don’t respect you back.
Sweetie I know you mean well but this is a place for women to talk together. We explicitly ask that men don’t comment here. It’s in the rules for this community.
I don’t know. I don’t claim to speak for all women, and I don’t know this community. I was browsing “All” and I saw this. I read the other comment, and thought I could offer some advice from one human to another.
If I think I might help a woman to suffer less, should I abstain from doing it because men are not welcome? If my advice is ignorant or unhelpful for women, they are free to ignore it. I added a clear disclaimer that my advice might not apply.
The “All” page is a feature and meant to be used. Have you considered maybe it’s your problem your problem for creating a community in a federated system, and then posting in it, where anyone can just bump into your post and interact with it? I don’t even look at the community of most posts which show up.
I was going to stop commenting and just leave it there, but if you’re gonna decide to be a condescending dick, I can be a dick as well.
I’ve been out as trans and living openly as a woman for only a few months now.
harrasment & violence
In that time I’ve been sexually harassed, physically threatened, screamed at from cars, had people up in my face, up to and including pushing me over, raising fists to me, screaming slurs and derogatory words at me from inches away from my face, and being sexually assaulted in a crowded public place.
I know much of that can be attributed to transphobia but a lot of is just pure misogyny. Nearly every time I leave the house some man will aggressively intrude into my day and make me feel extremely unsafe. This is in response to me literally just walking around saying nothing, looking at the floor.
I always knew that women had a justified fear of men. Now I have it too. Whatever I thought I understood before from listening to women, it’s nothing compared to what it’s like to live it.
I am so deeply sorry, honey. My heart breaks for you. I hope you know that you don’t ever deserve aaany of that shit! I wish I could bite all their heads off for you and for everyone else these garbage bags harass. :(
I’m sending so much love to you over the Internet. I’m so damn sorry that this has been part of your welcoming to finding and living openly as the woman you are. I don’t even know what to say, it’s just not right!! It’s extra fucked because it’s like, this should be such a joyous time for you, and as usual the assholes ruin it for the decent, innocent people. I hate it so much. I’m all weepy over here for you. I’m sending you big, big Internet hugs, if you want them. 🫂💖
Hey it is actually the most joyous time of my life. For every one negative interaction I have several more positive ones. Warm, open smiles from other women, nods and smiles of queer recognition and solidarity etc. I’m just genuinely so very very happy.
I just wanted to share here because it’s something that I got to see from both sides if you know what I mean. I used to be invisible and now I’m not. And now I understand what that fear feels like, before I used to just hear about from other women.
Thanks for being so kind. I’m really doing okay.
I’m happy for you, that you’re able to live openly now.
And sorry, yeah. It’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t been in the shit. There will be good experiences, too.
I once met the coolest men who were drunkenly celebrating a bachelor party and invited me to join (I was smoking a cigar alone on a beach after a break up) and we became friends, so I try not to close myself off to that kind of thing. At the same time all the shoving and shouting and touching makes it really fucking hard to do that.
I have a ton of great men in my life. Kind and gentle and protective in the right way. I’m not afraid of all men. But yeah the scary stuff happens often enough that I’ve learned to be very careful where I walk, to cluch my keys, to location share etc. It’s just all the stuff that other women have told me about their whole lives. It’s just quite an intense experience to have suddenly been dropped into it all in my 30s.
I don’t envy you at all. But, it is nice to be validated by someone who’s seen the other side.
Good luck out there.
I’m not sure how well this might work for a woman, but as a man there is definitely some stuff you can do when traveling and/or walking through dangerous neighbourhoods to avoid being bothered in public. Maybe it’s worth considering, so I’ll just leave it here. It’s not going to reduce it by 100%, but it makes it less likely. I’m not a big or scary looking man, but this advice has served me pretty well.
I’ll start with the tourist example because it might be the most obvious. Tourists are usually more likely to be mugged or scammed, because they can make easy victims. One way you can spot them, is if they have a backpack, are walking with their phone in their hand, and seem to not know exactly where they are going. If someone is walking confidently, has no backpack, and their phone is put away, you probably wouldn’t know they are tourists.
So now let’s translate that. If you are walking through a dangerous neighbourhood, or even just in the street, the last thing you want is to look like easy prey for people who like to bully others, beat people up, or muggers. Ways you can do that is, simply, to look like you belong there, and you’re confident in yourself and not afraid. Stand straight and don’t look at the floor. Walk with purpose. You know what you’re doing and have a reason to be there. But that doesn’t mean you should walk stiff, you should still look relaxed. And if you happen to look someone in the eyes, don’t look at the floor if you can help it. Holding eye contact can seem like a threat or invitation to some people, so don’t hold it either, but you should just look to the side (next to them, or behind/beyond them). If you look at the floor after locking eyes they might see it as fear, and decide you’re an easy target.
And of course clothes can also play a part (for tourists, or walking in a bad neighborhood with fancy clothes), but it still helps. I know that from experience.
Again, this isn’t a silver bullet, and I’m not sure how well it translates for women, but I think it’s worth considering.
EDIT: Just want to add an edit to say: you don’t have to default to rudeness on the internet, which is what most unfortunately do online. It’s possible to politely tell someone that they did something wrong. It’s how people usually do it in the real world, it doesn’t have to be different on the internet. People can make mistakes with no ill intention. If you choose rudeness and to be disrespectful, don’t be surprised when people don’t respect you back.
Sweetie I know you mean well but this is a place for women to talk together. We explicitly ask that men don’t comment here. It’s in the rules for this community.
Are you sure the woman you’re talking to came to the women’s community to get a man’s advice?
I don’t know. I don’t claim to speak for all women, and I don’t know this community. I was browsing “All” and I saw this. I read the other comment, and thought I could offer some advice from one human to another.
If I think I might help a woman to suffer less, should I abstain from doing it because men are not welcome? If my advice is ignorant or unhelpful for women, they are free to ignore it. I added a clear disclaimer that my advice might not apply.
That’s your problem for not curating your feed.
You’re not helping anyone. You’re a man in a women’s community giving unsolicited advice to a woman.
You don’t need a disclaimer, you need to shut up and listen.
The “All” page is a feature and meant to be used. Have you considered maybe it’s your problem your problem for creating a community in a federated system, and then posting in it, where anyone can just bump into your post and interact with it? I don’t even look at the community of most posts which show up.
I was going to stop commenting and just leave it there, but if you’re gonna decide to be a condescending dick, I can be a dick as well.
Have you considered paying attention? You earned whatever you got here.
Ok, and you’ve earned my continued replies by being an asshole 🤷
If I’m not allowed to comment, then I have nothing to lose by being banned, therefore I’ll keep throwing stones back as they are thrown at me.
Where was the stone in that one? Come on. My comebacks were way better than that.
not beating the woman lorax allegations
Not sure what that means, but I think maybe you don’t either.