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I wanna start by saying I’m not under it these days but I’ve been in the hole. ironically it’s precisely the thing in your drawing. I have been well loved in my life, lots of friends - I’d even go so far as to say the hub. But over time, and finally me moving to a new city by myself after a divorce, I found myself utterly alone, but also invisible. I’d try so hard to reach out and make connections - and low key, I don’t think weird. But it feels to me like people don’t trust a middle aged single guy. Or it really is just me. and where I think I used to attract people to me - I’m not sure that I actively repel them - because I do have good passing interactions - I think they just don’t remember me, or yeah that a single middle aged guy just doesn’t fit in well. Like I’m invisible.
It’s been about 10 years like this now. And I’m starting to get, I don’t know used to it I guess. But it makes life feel so very long. If I’m roughly half way done, and the entire second half is gonna be like this. That feels like a long long time.
Without going into too much details, I’d say that I am in a situation reeaaaaaaaaaally close to yours. You may feel invisible, but I see you. Thank you for sharing.
I read somewhere that it takes around 150 hours of interaction to generate that bond of friendship between men.
That seems both a small number and a very daunting one given how many people live relative isolation today. Someone might say, join a club and make friends, but if that number is right that’s an hour long weekly meetup for three years.
The rampant discrimination and racism my migrant wife isbsubjected to and my helplessness as i cant be around protecting her during they day.
- Constantly nagging unhelpful family
- Social anxiety
- Degrading health
- About to fail my college
- No direction
- Rikudou_Sage ( @rikudou@lemmings.world ) English17•1 year ago
Nothing, really. Which is the worst part. My life is objectively good, nothing extra fancy, but nothing really bad either. Doesn’t change the fact that everything feels shitty. I hate this the most - I’m long past the events that caused my depression, yet it’s still here as a reminder.
Same, I just don’t see the point and living is kinda bothersome. Started taking the most basic ssri and now I atleast don’t have to think about it all the time. Some things are fun, some are not, but overall existence just feels lacking.
What part of your life do you consider its luckiest circumstance?
To me it’s not weight, but a greyscale filter on life. This greyscale filter is always there. Sometimes it feels stronger, sometimes it feels less strong, but it never fully goes away.
So I’d say: this.
In a way I sometimes feel the same thing, but it’s like I’m outside everything that’s happening. I’m not present, just watching others having fun like I’m in another dimension or behind a thick greyscale wall.
By greyscale filter, you mean like a feeling of numbness?
In a way, yes.
I can relate to this.
saying “you are loved” is like saying “thoughts and prayers”, it’s nonsense. love is an action, something done for you selflessly
I know, I just thought it would be lighthearted to have Yoda say it in his Yoda voice.
- a not fulfilling job
- extra stress because we are currently planning our wedding
- climate change
I am absolutely alone.
I have not had a friend irl in like 7 years and on top of that a lot of trauma that has made it very difficult to trust people now. In 2020 some bad stuff happened to me at like right at the start of the year just before the pandemic really took off. I just… shut down, pandemic and trauma and everything I just couldn’t cope other than withdrawing from everything.
Thats been going on for 3 years now, pretty much live like a hermit now even though I am in the middle of a big city, like hikikomori levels of hermit. No family nearby. I just never leave my apartment anymore, get everything delivered. I can “technically” leave, I am able to go to things like a rare dr appointment or something like that. But I get near panicky if I am out too long, I have thrown up several occasions trying. It’s actually been a few years now since I even talked to any one irl except for people in like service roles like shopkeepers or receptionists, things like that. I actually don’t know how to unhermit myself at this point. I feel trapped.
If you read this and think of commenting some shit about how I just need to put myself out there please fuck off, it’s not that simple.
That sounds like a most extreme version of what I’ve experienced. Do you hang out with ppl online at all? Down to talk to a rando if you got time this wknd.
Hell no it isn’t simple. It sounds like a constant struggle with no rest.
I got stuck so far up my own ass, emotionally speaking, I couldn’t keep a social engagement for several years. There’s just no reasoning yourself out of it.
I intentionally took an extremely social retail job to force myself to go through the motions of social interaction. Part-time was all I could handle. I needed the job anyway and the benefits were good so I could avail myself of proper mental health care. Eventually I emerged and am still rebuilding a healthy social circle.
It’s hard and I’m sorry you are going through this. Your path will be different than mine, but I want good things to happen for you.
That some day all of the good things in my life could disappear, without me even doing anything. The fleetingness of real happiness and the fact that constant euphoria is unattainable. That I’m not living up to my potential, that I’m being exploited and under valued, that I’m never present for my emotions because I self medicate and distract.
Also my dad just died and I didn’t think it would affect me much because we didn’t have a great relationship. But yesterday I woke up from a dream where he was alive and the happiness I felt to see him again was immediately crushed by the relalisation that I would never see him again, and he’d miss everything from here on out. I was inconsolable, still am tbf
But also I’m in therapy and take prescribed meds that work for me, so I’m doing my best.
I totally relate to this, when I was young I used drugs to find that constant euphoria and that fucked me up even more, now I’m almost in my 40s and I lost my best years… my dad died 15 years ago and now my mom, I have just my husband and we would love having a child but I have a chronic illness and no one will give a child for adoption to an ex addict so I feel old and alone… I’m also going to therapy and taking my meds and is helping me a little, we have to take it one day at a time!
Depression tends to go hand in hand with having a chronic illness. Especially when it feels like you’re constantly fighting what feels like a losing battle with it…
Lately my sense of motivation has been in an odd state. I’ll do things for others, or when it involves more than just myself - like I’ll go to work and do my best because I’ve committed to it, if friends ask me to do something I’ll do so, etc. But when it comes to doing things for just me I’m finding it difficult to have the drive to do so. Listening to music and jamming it out while programming was always one of my favorite ways to pass the time and even that seems to not have the “spark” that it once did.
It feels like there are just so many factors of my life that are off kilter, and when I try to re-balance one, its difficult to do so because a different facet is off and affecting it. It’s like a game of whack-a-mole really.
Yeah it’s like doing things for other people is something I can’t decline, but if it’s for me I have to find the motivation and it’s almost impossible! When I’m not working or helping other people it’s just apathy
I have recently tested positive for a dozen different autoimmune issues. I went from a sharp 38 year old to a 40 year old who struggles with concentration. As a small business owner, it scares the hell out of me because I there is a lot riding on me to maintain the success of my business.
It’s terrifying.
A dozen? I have a few and could offer advice from time to time… does the list include MS?
Not yet. Almost 100% going to be an SLE (Lupus) diagnosis, but I’ve been subject to a battery of blood tests (seriously, I’m like 40 tubes in at this point) and hitting for everything from cryoglobulenemia, to sclerederma (ANA). It’s just super disheartening to see a new test added to a retest order only for the new test to show positive as well as the retest. However, I don’t believe we’ve ruled out MS yet and I know MS presents weirdly in men.
My health. It’s made me lose so many connections, and lately it’s made me feel like I’m invisible. Not even those closest to me really know how to deal with me and me having to cancel things because my body says no.
Work probably. I make a good living but I feel like no amount of money can compensate for the time I waste every day doing work that I get almost no meaning from.
My only hope besides winning the lottery is that developements in AI is going to make the economy (along with the stocks I’m invested in) skyrocket so that I can retire and move to a middle of forest.
Just the depression and irritations that go on for no apparent reasons.
Economic anxiety. I still don’t feel like I’m in a comfortable position at the moment and it feels like I’m falling behind some of my goals, economically speaking. I put some of my hobbies and interests on the back burner to focus on work. I started a new job a few months ago and I genuinely like it. I hope to there longterm as I slowly replenish my finances and pay off my debts.