Caffeine must be one of, if not the, most used drug. It is vital to the operation of more or less every industry.
Pharma companies would already have a caffeine equivalent that would be only slightly different in structure so it would circumvent the law. It would then be sold at exorbitant prices and people would still pay even with the side effect of sometimes you eat someone’s face. Of course they would then sell you something else to stop the side effects. You would also have the caffeine purists who would start their own speak easies and organized crime. People “abiding by the law” would start calling the purist, plants, since that is where caffeine is coming from, while the synthetic caffeine users would be called zombies for the obvious face eating reasons. This whole thing would cause even greater divides between already split countries leading to all out war. WWIII plants vs zombies.
This comment was amazing to come across and I look forward to the film adaptation.
Haha thanks. Wrote it drinking my morning cup of coffee.
I did a spit take when I read this
(of my coffee)
🔥✍🔥
Well, pack it in folks, Lemmy has peaked. It’s not getting better than this from here on.
Thanks, the punchline was worth it.
I think once upon a time alcohol was illegal somewhere? That’s what would happen. And I’d totally join a mafia
Pretty much the same as with every illegal product. It would move to black market because as long as there is demand there will always be a supply.
Ever heard of prohibition? Probably that.
I can’t imagine some shady guy in a street corner saying “I’ve got the stuff” and it’s just fucking coffee beans 💀
Right?! That’s almost as crazy as some shady guy selling a plant.
I agree lol.
It’s a part of so much natural food it’d be impossible to ban
Any government which makes caffeine illegal must be prepared to enforce that law with mass violence, or let it be ignored.
Given how unlikely your average cop is going to enforce a law they regularly brea… Oh, nevermind. Yeah it’d be a shit show. Demonstrations, arrests, black markets, the whole nine yards.
This eventual solution would likely bring to mind Bunny Colvin’s “paper bag” speech from the wire
Somewhere back in the beginning of time, this district had itself a civic dilemma of epic proportions. The city council had just passed a law that forbade alcoholic consumption in public areas; on the streets and on the corners. But the corner is, it was and it always will be the poor man’s lounge. It’s where a man wants to be on a hot summer’s night. It’s cheaper than a bar. Catch a nice breeze and watch the girls go on by. But the law is the law so what are the western cops gonna do? They arrest every dude for tipping back a High Life, there’d be no time for any other kind of police work. And if they look the other way, they open themselves up to all kinds of flaunting, all kinds of disrespect. Now, this is before my time but somewhere back in the 50’s or the 60’s, there was a moment of goddamn genius by some nameless smokehound who comes out the Cut-Rate one day and on his way to the corner he slips that just bought pint of elderberry into a paper bag. A great moment of civic compromise. That small wrinkled ass paper bag allowed the corner boys to have their drink in peace and gave us permission to go and do police work. The kind of police work that’s actually worth the effort, that’s actually worth taking a bullet for.
The same thing that happened when they made shipping nicotine through the mail illegal.
I stock up on a shitload of pure caffeine/nicotine, and store it.
Either that, or I start extracting it from other commonly available foods… (caffeine is present in quite a few foods naturally. )
Or, finally… there would then just become a black market for caffeine.
The same stuff which happened during the prohibition period many years ago.
Fuck yeah a coffee speak easy sounds amazing. Like prohibition or not I would totes go to a coffee speakeasy
What would happen if caffeine was made illegal?
black market
Yup, people would be growing beans in their backyard like weed plants, and people would be learning to roast their own shit lol
Loads of people will go through withdrawal symptoms.
I accidentally brought decaf once and didn’t realise until half way though the week after experiencing horrible headaches for a few days.
Michael Pollen wrote a audible book about how modern capitalism wouldn’t have been possible without the invention of the light bulb and the abundance of caffeinated beverages as it facilitated a 24 hour economy. Literally titled Caffeine: How Caffeine Created the Modern World.
So what would happen if the government illegalized caffeine? I’d say they’d be more likely to prohibit literally any other drug including alcohol and tobacco. But if I were to indulge this hypothetical scenario, I’d say other new stimulants without any legal status would be invented to replace caffeine.
I would have a bad headache for a few days, but I would probably power through and not resolve to illegal purchases.
I’m the government’s bitch.
Yeah, I’m tempted to say “RIOTS AND PITCHFORKS!”, but let’s be real, I can’t torrent coffee.
Crimes
chocolate
soft drinks
and a few more things (and of course, all other products with chocolate in them. ice cream, candy bars etc)
would also be illegal.
cocaine sales would go up. People would try microdosing. Some of those people would end up regular dosing.
There would be a black market, not only for coffee and tea, but also for caffeine powder, which people would sprinkle into anything.
Peoples’ overall caffeine consumption would go down. That girl from my high school who got the shakes every afternoon would probably have been better off.