Do you have hobbies and interests? If so, hop on Google and search for MeetUps in your areas. When you find one, go to it and do that activity with other people. This is a practically fail proof plan because it sets you up to do something that you like doing with other people that also like that thing… which gives you a built in conversation topic.
While you’re there, talk to everyone for a few minutes. Next time there’s a meet up, go back. Don’t put pressure on any one person but, after you’ve been a few times, you’ll recognize and enjoy the company of other regulars and, voila, friends.
Yep. Meetups are the best. You def have to go regularly though… Don’t expect magic from day 1.
What if your hobbies & interests don’t lend themselves to meetups? I tend to have a lot of those that are more solitary in nature, which means others with them were probably drawn to them for similar reasons, being relatively content alone.
Up until they have that nagging feeling that they may benefit from socializing, anyway.
Just about any hobby can be a group hobby. I run, bike, hike, rock climb, watch sports, drink, try new restaurants, play video games, travel, and shit post. All of these can be done individually or in a group. My old man likes stamps and guns. There are shows and meet-ups for that too.
What are you in to that can’t be done with others? If these are truly solitary activities then are you willing to give something new a shot? Try something new and if you don’t vibe with the peeps or the activity, try something else new the next time.
Your hobbies aren’t set in stone, is it possible to find other ones (in addition) that involve socialising? You’re free to try out various things until you find something you like.
There is another thing I want to mention is like how do people find dates? I don’t wanna sound like I’m whining or anything but dating apps never worked for me so I was wondering like how do you meet your potential dates in-person like at bars? Sorry if it sounds dumb but I’ve had a hard time with that so I thought why don’t I would just genuinely ask about it?
how do people find dates
Two main ways. My brother is very likable. To the point that it’s almost silly. Dude is 6 ft 3, maybe 300 lbs. He looks like an offensive lineman. He’s probably the strongest, roundest, happiest guy I know. When he was single he never had a problem getting quality dates. Even at his size. But it wasn’t just the charisma. Dude would shoot his shot and, if that didn’t work, he’d shoot his shoot again with the next lady. If you can talk a good game, don’t care if you miss and, ideally, be attractive, then you can slay it at the bars.
I am not as likable as my brother. But I’m funny. I’m decent looking. I treat ladies right. I have hobbies and interests. When I was single, my dates always came from my activity groups. Does it turn out Jenny from run club really likes music? Invite her to a show. And, here’s the key. Only invite people to things you’re going to do anyway. The line is “I’m going to the show this weekend, wanna come with me?” No matter what Jenny says, go to the show. Talk to the people that are there. Have a great time. If you have a great time with Jenny, terrific! If you don’t, or if Jenny doesn’t come, invite someone else next time. Common interests and quality time can take you a long way. Even if it’s a longer game than my brothers.
Really solid advice!
I think one should take care not hesitate too much talking to new people. The outcome can be either ways any ways, but that usually is nothing to carry around for too long time. I figured for myself it should be (and feel) casual (not only during dating).
So of you are a nerd not used to talk to anyone, maybe get used to talk to people again before trying to advertise yourself on the dating market. Usually, most of people not overly busy are open for a short chat or a funny remark*.
*Disclaimer: may differ depending on where you live.
- Stop declining when people invite you to stuff.
- Stop being picky about activities/food/music/etc.
- Be vigilant/safe, yet open minded, open to new experiences, spontaneous.
- Plan trips and events, both budget friendly and splurgy, then actually commit to doing them.
- Smile and laugh n shit.
- Compliment people, thank people, be considerate to others even if it’s not always reciprocated.
- When it is reciprocated, gravitate more towards that person, and gravitate slowly away from people who don’t seem to appreciate you.
You have encapsulated everything difficult about being an autistic adult
You have to be ok with believing that you’re not annoying others when talking about yourself and asking about them. And you have to do it in a not-creepy way. I haven’t quite figured it out yet.
The creeper paradox: the harder you try not to be, the more you appear to be.
Redefine creepy as ‘surpressing emotions’. When you surpress the awareness of surpressing emotions, then you surpress even more, so you appear to be more creepy.
Creepy has a lot to do with not picking up on signals from other people that your attention is not wanted (or in the case of genuine creeps not caring about and ignoring those signals). Unfortunately that works against the advice you just gave. I do realize this is problematic when that advice is kind of needed by someone who suffers from excessive self-consciousness.
And of course you mainly learn to pick up on those signals by practice. Which I guess points back to your advice.
This is like the imposter syndrome but applied to every social interaction. This used to be my life, but it kinda shifted away eventually for me.
Anything in particular help you shift away from that?
For me, it was partly because I was growing older but the biggest impact was when I began training in martial arts, specifically kendo and iaido.
Hobbies and pursuing them. Like board games? Join the local game night! Like sailing? Join a sailing club and attend! Like football? Join a local football team. Like thinking and debating? Join a Sceptic Society!
It’s hard to be the new kid, it never changes with age, but you just need a few shared experiences and people start thinking of you as part of the tribe.
Like sex? Join a sex club!
Sure. Not for me, but I do have a friend who’s very active in the swinging scene and he’s made friends there.
I guess that joke works for almost every activitiy, except for those which incorporate death of people.
Except you’re necrophile, so even there. /s
Hobby clubs, fitness groups, volunteering, specific interest events. Personally, I plan to attend more local events. There are some upcoming local events that pique my interests.
How does one discover/find hobby clubs, fitness groups, and volunteering opportunities? I know of meetup.com, but are there other ways? Also, what exactly are special interests events, and how does one become aware of these events?
I mean it depends on where you live. But sports clubs are easy enough to find if you just search for your sport and area.
Same I would guess with other hobbies.
Fitness groups no idea to be honest.
Volunteering: there are usually quite a few forums and such discussing volunteering opportunities. In my country the biggest ones are the volunteer fire department, volunteer first aid (red cross, Johanniter, ASB, Malteser, etc.), technical relief (THW), and different organisations regarding the homeless and poor (biggest ones probably are the Bahnhofsmission and Tafeln) - this is all Germany specific but I’m sure there are somewhat similar things in other countries, too. For smaller things the are often even websites from the local government where you can search for volunteering opportunities interesting you, by topic.
To be honest, I’ve gone back to Facebook to discover local events. I never knew that the local comic shop had events like boardgames and book signings. I also discovered that the South Florida fairgrounds has its own comic con of sorts and my county has an annual event named “PalmCon”.
Volunteer
My partner and I recently moved to an entirely new city. It’s in a region I’ve lived in before, but a different city.
We found a meet up group called “ 20 something’s meetup” and went to a few events. We found some people we really enjoyed and invited them to a few other events, and still regularly attend the group as a whole. The internet has done a lot of work for us.
Search for a community of people with similar interests where you live. E.g. something you like doing for a hobby.
Board game meetups and clubs work great
Warhammer 40k has been great for this
Join your local Marxist organization.
Only works if OP is a Marxist themselves, but I do think you’re right that joining some kind of group of like-minded people is pretty much the best solution.
I started playing disk golf which has started to build up some sort of social network. Doing a physical activity with other people really seems to work.
prison
Exposure pretty much. Meaning get out there, join some groups, talk with people at work or anywhere you spend a good amount of time at, and see who you connect with. Be curious but not invasive.
There’s tons of good comments here. Mine will echo some! I just wanted to share my experience.
I have three hobbies that I’ve explored since moving to a new city in my 30s - axe throwing, pinball, and making music.
I found a local axe league and joined for a season. One season has become four :) The people I throw axes with are wonderful and varied. While we may not have crossed paths otherwise, they’re fine folks and I consider many my friends.
I went to a local pinball bar for a casual tournament and have been going every other week since. It a supportive community and I’ve had a great time learning about the games and learning about the folks on my various teams.
I answered a Craigslist ad for a band looking for another member. We’ve clicked quite well and have practices together, go out together, record together, and even play shows!
Exploring your own hobbies in some sort of structured way might be a good step in your own quest :) Good luck!
Volunteer. All the best people do.