Hi my fellow Lemmy users! It’s been a while since I used this platform and boy did I actually miss you all ❤️
It’s just that I’ve been more so focusing on myself in my career and in my own education. So I graduated back in June and man it sure does feel like a lifetime ago already. Settled in a good paying job and still trying to improve myself wherever I can.
This brings us to the question that I wanted to ask everyone here. As I’ve been very focused on academics and career stuff I never had the opportunity to date and I’ve been rejected very frequently (which is to be expected as a man tbh). I haven’t been able to lose weight and that I’m 25 years old.
I know that’s still pretty young but I still feel so behind on dating tbh. Is it still too late for me to find someone I want to be with after I’ve lost weight? Does losing weight help for men as it does for women? I’ve been trying to join meetups, volunteering (just to meet new people tbh) and really put myself out there. It’s just idk like all my friends are committed and I’m just floating around life whilst focusing on my career.
It’s not too late. I met someone when I was 42, now we live together and our son is 8 month old:
(The boy, not the cat)
When it comes to losing weight and dating, at least for me it helped, I guess you get more confident when you lose weight and that attracts women.
I’m not even saying this to be nice. You are 25. You’re a baby. You may feel like you are old. But you are not. Not even close.
Ever hear the saying “youth is wasted on the young”? This is why people say it. Hindsight is gonna slap you in the face when you are actually old. You’re fine. It’s not too late.
Yeah, while I don’t think it’s ever too late to find love 25 certainly is, I was a bit younger but over twenty when I had my first relationship.
Also try to not focus too much on your weight. I know society™/capitalism wants you to think you’re unlovable if you’re fat but that is obviously bs. If you want to loose weight do it but to it for yourself first (maybe try to get fit and not loose weight per se?). Love is not only about looks.
…why would it be too late for you to date? People want companionship throughout their lives…
Thanks for responding to my post! It’s just that, I come from an immigrant background and I never really had the chance to date tbh. It’s just my thinking is that the longer it’ll take to find someone the more likely I’ll be seen as a walking red flag. Sure I’ll hopefully be in a good position career wise, great social life but never having had dated anyone isn’t a good look. It’s just in my experience a lot of people brushed me off cause of that so it just makes me feel trapped I guess. That’s why I felt that it’ll be too late.
Just stay away from all dating advice for men, be honest, learn to care about other people if you don’t already, and you’ll be fine.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
You’re still really young.
First, getting an education and getting a career going is a great start. It shows a level of maturity and that your life is moving in a positive direction. That’s a big plus.
Second, you mention that you’re from an immigrant culture. That might be skewing how you perceive the age vs relationship factor. In the US, it varies widely by socioeconomic class and geography, but just starting to get out there at 25 isn’t that unusual and shouldn’t raise a lot of red flags. I wouldn’t lead with it as an intro statement, but if it comes up naturally after a few dates with the same person, they’ll have the context to understand rather than rush to judgment.
Getting in shape generally only helps - it’s also a signal indicating that you have your life on the right track and do self care - but charisma isn’t all about weight or even appearance. You should be able to talk great, listen great, or both.
I agree, it is definitely skewing how I perceive the age vs relationship when I see a lot of people who’ve been in relationships multiple times before they hit 25 when I moved to the US when I was like 19. Other things that could be skewing how I perceive is how I think I look which is another reason why I am trying to lose weight as well. Thank you for your reply tho, I really appreciate it.
The only red flags in a real relationship are how you treat the other person and yourself. Don’t put dating on a pedestal. It’s just 2 people hanging out and getting to know one another.
It’s not the same for everybody. Some people find lots of success with apps. Others meet people at social events. Some meet at work. Just be yourself around people and pay attention to who you jive with on a personal level.
Weight shouldn’t be a problem. The reality is that everybody has things they are attracted to and for some people weight can be a factor. Only loose weight for your own happiness, though. Don’t do it to attract a partner because that’s not a good way to maintain a lifestyle change and your own happiness is paramount with changes like that.
I am 25
Lmao. That’s literally the age humans stop maturing.
You’re in your theoretical prime.
Now’s the time to make it happen if anything. You can be and do whatever you make of yourself.
After outliving two husbands, my great aunt Anna got married again at 97. Why would you think things are over at 25?
Dude, you are being way, way too hard on yourself. Here is why:
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Your personality doesn’t fully develop until you’re about 26 or 27. This is because of development in your prefrontal cortex
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The fitness thing can change relatively easily and yes, it will help you. Not only will it help you dating, but it’ll help your lifestyle in general and you’re overall health.
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There are tons of people that are in the same boat as you within your cohort. I realize that of me feel like you’re dating opportunities are over now that you’ve graduated, but this is just a change in your lifestyle.
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You are already workinfg on improving yourself which is going to improve your odds on finding someone that you connect with. Your volunteering, you’re doing other things. You are chasing own hobbies and living your life. This also helps
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Anecdotally, I was in a very similar position at your age. Spend a pile of time working (300 hr months from June to December; 220ish the rest of the year). I still managed to find the right person and now I’m snuggling our youngest while typing this.
The journey of self improvement is thankless. It sucks. You feel like you’re getting nowhere and everyone is miles out ahead of you. They aren’t, and if they seem like it, it’s because they have made tradeoffs. Comparison ruins our self confidence. Try you best to avoid it. Let what you do on self improvement be because that’s what you want to improve upon because that’s how you envision the best version of yourself.
Self-improvement is also extremely slow. Same with the dating thing. I realize how painfully lonely it can be to be single, but developing a good group of friends will help. Further, you shouldn’t view a potential partner as something necessary to make you happy or complete. You need to be those things before you even think about getting into a relationship; otherwise you’re setting yourself up for disaster and placing unreasonable expectations on said partner.
I could go on, but there’s enough there to encourage you
Yeah I am being way too hard on myself as my other comment replies show me that. I’m happy to hear that you’ve made it (gives me some hope lol) and I agree that the journey of self-improvement is thankless. I do have a good of friends that I can rely on its just making this post here can help me hear this or even read this when I’m feeling down. I know that having a partner isn’t something necessary to make me happy. I guess for me its just I am very prone to making comparisons to everyone else and how I am an immigrant to the US has skewed my perception even more so it just you know hits harder I guess when I am unconsciously making comparisons.
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Relax, you’re only 25. You have plenty of time to fall madly in love, get married, fall madly out of love, get divorced, and repeat. Multiple times if you want to! People of all ages and in all walks of life are dating and getting together, so no, you’re never too old.
Also as far as weight goes, in my opinion you should lose it because you want to lose it, not simply because you think it’ll make you more attractive to others. You’re more likely to keep it off that way, and when it comes to building meaningful relationships I think being fit is much less important than being yourself and being comfortable in your own skin.
You have plenty of time to fall madly in love, get married, fall madly out of love, get divorced, and repeat.
As a 43yo, fuck did that hit hard. Well, except for the “repeat” part. I have a lot of issues to work through before I get to that, if ever.
Here is a shitty little secret: as long as you are clean and look clean your physical appearance isn’t the problem.
You either haven’t had time to interact with enough people to find someone compatible, you dont know how to treat the people you’re interested in dating like they’re normal people, or you don’t have the spaces to meet people in.
For me its the latter cause its hard to find like-minded people and to keep it going. Life is already hard for a lotta people so friendships suffer so does dating as well cause that’s the easiest as people would let it take the backseat.
I’m not really sure where you’re going with this. What’s the alternative, just working yourself to death? You can date whenever you decide to date.
Everyone’s life is different. Some people are married, have kids, and divorce before they can even have a legal drink. Others kind of slowly see a friendship morph into a long term relationship without them even noticing. Still others are happy to be free and unattached. Your story is your own, on your own timeline.
If you have a more specific concern (which I think you do), such as how to meet people after 25, try posting that as its own question to the right audience. Just be careful to avoid the toxic areas, like incels.
Okay, well here’s the alternative. This is something I don’t expect anyone to understand but its okay. My parents and my family in general are very very conservative (basically I grew up Muslim) and I am not a practicing Muslim anymore because my values don’t align with each other. So its just me now even though I do talk to my family and everything where we keep everything cordial. Its just that they’re forcing me to marry someone of my ethnicity with someone who THEY like not me. I know the obvious for some is to stand your ground to which I do and every time they talk about my marriage I do stand my ground. It sounds as a man like yay I don’t have make so much effort just to get married or anything but for me I care about my values more. I am very left-wing and liberal also pretty much westernized as I felt at home more in the US that I ever did in my life tbh.
This is why I am just so stressed about marriage and dating too. Cause if I did find someone, at least my family could back off and they’ll realize that I have my own life here and there’s nothing they can do so they’ll accept it. But right now they know that I am trying to date an American woman who I get along much more its just me idk and they’re trying to stop that by getting me married to someone they so I can conform to their liking and to the culture I grew up hating so much because I felt like an outsider tbh.
There’s quite a lot to unpack there. I don’t think anyone likes the idea of a forced marriage, especially with someone you do not like. Your relationship with your parents is its own discussion, and sounds complicated. A simple answer would be a “beard”, but that creates its own web of lies.
You’ve probably heard that love comes when you least expect it, which also doesn’t easily fit into your plans. Desperately seeking a partner is probably the least effective way to find one. You need to be able to have a relaxed approach, and let the chips fall where they may.
As difficult as it is, I recommend trying to forget about meeting a potential wife, and instead try to meet people in general. Attend whatever group events are happening for whatever you’re interested in. Make (platonic) friends with people there. If the existing events don’t lead to friendships, branch into new ones. Ever wanted to cook? Take a cooking class. Does bowling sound like fun? Join a league.
Eventually, one of these will lead to someone that’s interested. It may not be someone in the group, either. It could be a friend of a friend, or someone that you meet randomly. They see you having fun, and conversation can start from there.
Also, learn how to carry a conversation. This is critical to opening the doors to a date, or date #2. There are a variety of books, videos, seminars, etc that can help
No. 25 is very young.
Dating can be difficult and lots of people screw it up. That’s okay. Being bad at something is the first step towards being okay at something.
Remember to ask questions when you go on dates. It’s a common mistake for people to just talk about themselves. Try to ask the other person open ended questions, and engage with whatever they’re talking about. So if they say like “I went to Storm King this weekend” you can say like “Oh storm king is lovely! My favorite is the sculpture of the moving pipes that spin but never touch. What’s your favorite part?” Don’t go off on a monologue. Don’t just change the topic to something you want to talk about. It’s like a game of catch. Throw the ball back.
Also weight isn’t the most important thing. Unless you’re like so overweight it’s a medical problem, there are people out there who will be into you. If you want to lose weight (or get fit, an arguably better goal) then you should do it for yourself.
Also rejection is to be expected. Don’t let it get to you.
If you use an app like tinder, you’re going to get way more misses than hits. That’s fine. Focus on the hits and let the misses fade from memory.
Thank you for the clarification.
I had some friends who got married and started their family at 40 years old. You’re fine.
How over-weight is over-weight? How old are the women you’re trying to approach? How are you approaching them? Which career did you choose?
That’ll help in enlightening us as to the cause of your rejection
I am like 5’10 and I am almost 200lbs so I am pretty overweight and last time I checked my BMI. I was like tipping on the edge of obese but here’s the thing, I don’t have like fat legs or anything, its just my stomach that’s like fat where its showing the fat the most. I choose to be a software engineer, for approaching women, I tend to ask them more so in settings of shared interests. Like I’d ask questions about them and the things they like where I’d relate to things they said. I tend to be a very curious person so I’d really like to know them in general like their interests and about them in general. I am not really talkative irl and I feel that I am pretty boring because I can be pretty quiet because I am listening to them more which I like to do and its hard to keep the conversation going when you run of stuff to talk about. I don’t talk for the sake of talking but to really you know get to know of them i guess if that provides you with enough info about what am I doing
You lack rizz, my friend. I wish I could lend you some of mine, because I have more than I need (when I chose to use it)
Yes, losing weight would help but it isn’t everything.
Hmm. My husband is pretty dull in most aspects, but he was doing climbing when we started dating. I thought that was cool. I also happen to like games, as does he- so we bonded over our mutual appreciation for gaming. He also spent a great deal of time in school (he’s a mechanical engineer) and though I probably shouldn’t tell you this he was a virgin until he was in his 30’s. If he can find someone, you can too
I think your best bet is to start trying out different hobbies, especially physical ones (not suggesting climbing, but try hiking? I don’t know where you are, but Meet-up is a good way to meet people and hiking seems to be a common thing around where I live)
If you need dating advice you can ask me. I’m about to be 40, but I did quite a bit of it in my 20’s and 30’s before I settled down. If you land dates I might be able to help you get specific women’s attention
What’s your type (if you have one) and I mean less about how they look and more about how they act (figuring out what motivates them will be a big step forward in being able to date them)
I guess my type of woman (well looks like wise white American) is someone who’s just kind and caring also who’s more extroverted tbh. I mean I do like someone who takes care of themselves (I’m trying to do that just ya know struggling but not like I gave up on it) and someone who wants a long term relationship that will lead to marriage.
Basically my type is someone who shares the same western ideals as I do (I grew up Muslim but not anymore and I’m brown as well) and someone who’s liberal I guess if that helps.
Gotcha. Lessee. My husband is part Korean, part various Hispanic, and I’m mostly white (born in South Africa so I have a spattering of various ethnicities given that my ancestors were sailors to some degree).
Husband (who also has a strong, white, preference) says that generally women tend to want to stay in their ethnic group, while men are more likely to want someone outside their ethnic group. I’m not certain on the validity of that, since where I live there is a whole lot of variation in couples.
Either way, that might be adding to your challenges! It also depends on your area. Where I live there are plenty of mixed couples, but if you’re in a state where people tend to stay within their ethnic groups that’s gonna be a lot harder
Finding someone who has your exact beliefs is also extremely difficult. I never would have guessed I would marry someone like my husband. He leans conservative, while I lean liberal (for example).
But what I meant is: if you like a sporty woman, going to the gym is where you might find one. If you like an artsy woman, take a random art class at a community College. If you like an out-going woman, you’ll want to check your area for “fun things to do”. If what you want is an introvert who plays DnD, then try to find a DnD group. Try to figure out what interests the women you want will have- and then go there.
Keep in mind this will take time. You have to be friends with them first (for long term relationships) and then work your way into their hearts/minds/panties from there.
And side note, you could easily be friend zoned. But, with luck, she might have a single friend who she’d think you’d be perfect with :)
Hey thanks for saying that. I was thinking of maybe joining a therapeutic riding volunteering place cause I noticed that there tends to be a lot more girls there and I might be wrong could be a wrong assumption but hey at least I’ll be able to ride on a horse on to the sunset lol.
At 25 its when my fun started. It wasn’t even planned, we were supposed to have a drink off. Queue 4 years of relationship.
You might be behind on dating, but you’re also behind on divorce. Trust me, it’s a double-edged sword, and if you rush into it, you’ll only get stabbed in the back. Though of course that isn’t to say loneliness itself feels like a dagger (mine is inscribed “platonic” on it). How many platonic friends do you have?
Quite a lot actually, its just that friendships are not really an issue for me but more so like romance I guess. I feel like I can’t for the life me flirt or anything that’ll convey that I am romantically interested without scarring them off or just get friend zoned (friend zoned is not a bad thing for me I am more than happy to have more friends in life). Its just you know it feels like you’re in stuck under a glass ceiling that you can just can’t break is what I feel about dating in general.
What would you say separates friendship from a romantic partnership, something you can say always applies to romantic partners but never applies to friends?
Well one thing is that with friends they can come and go a lot more often than romantic relationships. The other thing when it comes to romantic relationships is where you feel a connection which is special and it’s not like spark but more so a level of comfort. A more important aspect that differentiates between friendships and romantic relationships is the vulnerability it offers for men like me but hear me out it’s that men cannot feel the same vulnerability with friends even if you’re the closest heart-to-heart level I’m talking but with relationships it’s just you don’t feel the need to hide things. Sex is the obvious difference lol but that’s like the last thing I’m interested in cause that’s like when we’re the most vulnerable. I mean this is the best I could come up with what makes friendships and romantic relationships separate.