You start bumping into invisible billboards all the time.

You realize you are living in North Korea.

They are blocked by obnoxious flashing and loud beeping noises.

fuji discontinued the film your memory uses

U have prostate cancer

He brings his new family

The milk is expired

The lobster are horse sized and crave human flesh.

You get vertigo every time you jump

You have no built in shock absorption and the substance you secrete that allows you to stick to walls also gives you eczema.

But you stick to walls using your buttocks, and they stick to chairs and anything else you sit on.

But you become extremely jaded and disappointed in anyone younger than yourself, overcome with än irredeemable urge to tell people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps

Your perfume-like scent acts as a pheromone to all insects in your proximity, leading to an endless swarm everywhere you go

All smells you used to enjoy smell like bodily functions.

Pressing one inconvenience-fixing button also causes a random inconvenience in the list to reoccur. Hope you like invisible splinters in your socks and random hiccups every time you want to cure your allergies.

When you push one of those buttons, it’s effect is random.

You fall asleep easily, but you have wicked sleep apnea.

You can stop humming songs but it dials the intrusive thoughts up to 11

Good news, your light headaches have been replaced with moderate migraines.

You can postpone your hunger for 3 hours, but anything you consume within that window you permanently develop a sickness taste aversion to.

The ringing in your ear has been replaced with the Wilhelm scream.

The itching has stopped. The only price was IBS.

When they die, they have already stung you and the bites are 2x more itchy.

But you shit yourself while you’re going home every time.

Retrying these fumbled social interactions can occasionally lead to absurdly consequential butterfly effects that rock the foundations of the world around you. Every disaster stemming from a social retake is preceded by a benign itch in the back of your ear. Sometimes you just get that itch for literally no reason anyway, though.

The recipient immediately forgets the interaction.

… and they see you. You remind them of the taste of food. It’s been so long.

And require flesh for sustenance

And they continue to grow at the same pace.

They grow immediately, which leads to you getting either stuck inside a tree with wood in your lungs or getting impaled by a plant.

what about fruit? perfectly ripe for lunch the next day?

In doing so you also grant the plant sentience with a mind that develops at the same pace as its physical maturity.

These plants are fully aware that

A. They have been robbed of a full life, B. They exist solely for the harvest C. They are the only ones of their kind and are alone in the vast uncaring universe beyond the prison you call a “window sill”.

They also see you planting other seeds and understand that makes you their parent. It’s a lot to process.

But everytime you do it you get sued for patent infringement

But it also has no speed limit, causing items you pull around to reach light speed almost instantly, effectively growing to infinite size for the duration of the pull

None of those objects are yours.

You have to sort through every object anyone has ever lost to do so

Any object you locate begins looking for you