Recently had a conversation with a good friend about dating, and it had me curious about how everyone on Beehaw approaches dating. Tell me a bit about how you date! Here’s a few prompts/thoughts I’m curious about:

  • How long does it take for you to know if you’re attracted to someone (sexually, romantically, emotionally, shared interests, etc)?
  • What do you like to do when you date and does it change depending on how many dates you’ve been on or how well you know the person?
  • Once you start dating someone, how long does it take you to understand whether you want to date the person long term or whether it’s not going to work out?
  • Do you only date people you meet in real life or do you use dating apps? How do you approach going from stranger to dating them?
  • What’s most important in deciding whether you want to date someone? Do they need to have an interest in activities you enjoy, shared values, emotional intelligence, a certain kind of humor, or something else?
  • Is there something you don’t understand about dating and want to share your frustration?
  •  petrescatraian   ( @petrescatraian@libranet.de ) 
    4•5 months ago

    @Gaywallet I only date myself, haha.

    I am 28, soon to be 29, and I’ve been single for almost 5 years if I’m not mistaken. I’ve gone to Tinder, Bumble, Alovoa (despite no hot singles in my area there, haha) and I just grew disappointed. Every time something happened with a girl, we would just hang out for a drink, then went home and never spoke ever again. Either she didn’t like me, or (in a couple of cases) I didn’t like her.

    And it’s not just the physical aspect that I am interested about somebody (although it does play a significant role). It’s also about how well we click. About the way we think about things, about what our passions are, our interests etc. If those don’t match, then nothing can come out.

    I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years before. She looked great, but I saw we saw things quite differently. She was quite pushing for a long term thing, while I just wanted to take things more slowly. Also, she was a bit possessive as well, and didn’t quite like that I was hanging out without her - despite the situation didn’t even allow her to be there.

    Then at a previous job that I had, I met someone that fulfilled all the criteria. I didn’t do anything with her outside of work, besides hanging out a few times and talking on WhatsApp, then on FB, but I realized I was spending better times with her than with my ex from then. I tried changing the situation, that didn’t work, so we decided to part ways. I’m still in touch with that former colleague, but I was too stupid to try something out with her in time (there were also various circumstances, but still), so she found someone else, and now they moved together since a few months ago.

    Most of my dating experience as of late was after that moment, but I never found such a person again. I just wish I had a time machine, so I could go and tell myself to act at that moment.

    My advice (and answers to your questions):

    1. You just know. You just feel that the person is the right person. Interact with that person some time and see what you feel about them. It’s okay not to be attracted by someone. I’ve met countless persons that I just had opinions that they just appeared not okay to me at all. I personally still crave a relationship, but at the same time I’m aware that not having similar visions about the world is not going to cut it long term. So I just lose my attraction in them altogether.
    2. If she’s a person that I don’t know that well, I generally go to a place where I have the opportunity to meet her better (generally a park or somewhere where we can drink something). If I already know what she likes, I pick a fun activity. But yea, as I am disappointed in dating, I am out of specific ideas.
    3. I learnt to figure it out even from the first date. But 2-3 dates would generally be fine as well. Then, again, I am also quite a friendly person, so I might keep in touch even after if the person is okay enough. It’s complicated anyway, it’s not about time, more about how I feel, as I said above.
    4. I had the biggest success in real life. I met my first gf at a concert, as she was the friend of the gf of a good friend of mine. The second I met in a pub, brought by a friend of a friend from the group we hung out with. Then, the third (which was the one I spent 3 years with), was talking about some classes on the hallway of my college, and the fact that she needed a course. So I just jumped into the conversation and said I could help. My former colleague that I wrote about earlier just looked great, and I just joined the conversation with her. It was her first day of work (or something like that, I remember it was in the first week of training) and she told me she just broke up with someone the other day. So I thought about being a bit flirty with her. I also found out we were studying similar stuff on college and that she also knew Russian and was into politics and had similar views. And as we were still talking, I ended up actually liking her. On dating apps, I did not have the same success (as said earlier). But I tried them because I had nothing to lose in real life. Nowadays, I’m just no longer really using them that much. I feel they’re a waste of time and that you just can’t have genuine feelings on these. You cannot comfortably attach to someone there and not be dumped, either by ghosting or by being unmatched altogether - albeit this can also happen in real life in a way or another, so they can also be a good lesson.
    5. and 6. - I wrote about these earlier.

    Sorry for the long post. Hope you’ll be more lucky in finding your half than me 😁

    •  Gaywallet (they/it)   ( @Gaywallet@beehaw.org ) OPEnglish
      3•5 months ago

      Hope you’ll be more lucky in finding your half than me 😁

      I’m poly and have a few partners. Dating is a regular part of my social life. I don’t like to think in terms of ‘other half’ because it’s a rather monogamous framework but more importantly because it implies you can’t be whole without someone else which is a sign of enmeshment.

      But I do very much think everyone deserves someone who is excited to build something cooperatively with them, who’s passionate about spending time with them and who is supportive and compassionate and helps them grow. And I hope you find that person or those people in your life, whether it’s through friendship or dating or some combination of both.