My active transition is behind me. I have no more goals or plans. Now, it’s more about working out what my new normal looks like, but covid overturning everything plus rising transphobia makes normal seem a long way away

~2.5 years of HRT here

ehhhhhhhh… not great. I’ve been utterly petrified of being out and about while being visibly trans, but I think at this point I need to bite the bullet sooner or later and stop boymoding. Problem is, I haven’t really worked on my voice AT ALL. I have been trying to avoid spending money on it because I’m still reeling from paying for my GF to move cross country. However, any time I try to start on it, the sheer amount of stuff I need to learn overwhelms me and I shut down.

I wish this shit was easier.

Hmm. Just started on my first bottle of feminems and it all feels kinda weird finally getting into proper HRT riiiiight as I’m about to identity-change (new name, colour, avatar, etc. … wait, that’s just transition isn’t it? Hmmmmm) into my enby form. So now it’s all like… “Congrats, you get to do the womanifying thing!” “Uhhh… crap, I’m kinda not though.” 😅 Imean, I still wanna but there’s some stuff in my mind that it turns out hasn’t quite cleared. “Oh, but what if I’m not really a woman?!” became “Weelll about that…” so it’s all just… y’know. Weird.

So on the one hand I get to feel like a fraud again, and be nervously caught between go/nogo… but on the other paw I get to hatch twice, which is nice! Feels weird even posting this. vibrates awkxiously … But the re-hatching does feel super cool when the euphoria hits 😅

I guess I don’t wanna dump all my anxieties on whoever reads this, but after seeing the results of about four months of HRT it feels like I’ll need a miracle to change enough to stop feeling all consuming disgust and shame.

But fortunately transition hits everyone differently, so I’m sure the rest of you will get exactly what you need from it!

I’m still very dysphoric about my body and voice and… everything. Have not started hrt yet, as I’m very very scared of needles, and apparently those are required because of checkups… (Edit: I would be very happy if I get corrected about that, does anyone know if it’s required in Germany?) So currently I’m just somewhat happily boymiding, growing my hair out and secretly doing some voice training. My goals are pretty clear. Building up the courage to do hrt and coming out to my father. Mother already knows, which is cool. (18 yo, living with mother)

I’m way further along than I ever thought I’d get. The laser hair removal and the finastride are both working great to add/remove hair where needed. My bald spot has tiny little hairs growing! I have a small selection of women’s clothing, and I love them, but fuck women’s pockets. I guess I need a purse? Also ordered a gaff, should help me feel more confident in my girl jeans.

On the other hand, I’m missing some foundations. I was planning on coming out socially to my family during a superb owl party, but then everyone got sick and it was cancelled. I need to find another time where we can just chill over a beer and go over everything. Maybe someday after church? Because I’m missing my social foundation, I can’t drop the masc. Which means I can’t shave and laser my face (wearing the same distinctive beard for years means there will be questions if it goes away). Which means I can’t learn makeup. So feeling a tiny bit stuck until I can come out.

Also, the wife likes how happy presenting more fem makes me, but still thinks that her being with a woman is a sin and is suppressing her bi side. The current compromise is no estrogen for me. Again, this is much further than I ever thought I’d get, so I’m taking it in stride and doing what I can with what I have.

Continuing goals: voice train, lose weight, increase fem wardrobe. New goals: come out, destroy beard, learn makeup Pipe dream: convince the wife that estrogen is the bestrogen, slowly grow into old ladies together, and convince the world that “Queer Christian” isn’t an oxymoron.

I don’t love myself in public but I don’t hate myself in public anymore!

I’ve been tracking my daily happiness on a scale of 0-10 and I might need to redo the scale because the average is increasing by about 1 point per month for the past 3 months because of HRT! Sometimes my voice even sounds great, but generally it’s bearable at least.

Future plans are to leave Florida for idk where because it’s too hot here and too transphobic. I have a weird relationship with family because of my 8 years of depression and a lifetime of repression, so idk what missing them will be like.

I’ve been at it for quite a while at this point, and done pretty much all of the things I’ll ever feasibly be able to afford. I’m not super happy about my progress, but it’s certainly better than… not having done all that. Strangers at my public service job don’t seem to clock me most of the time. Plenty of people don’t have access to even the basic stuff I’ve done, so I guess I can’t complain too much?

In some unattainable future I’d love to have FFS, trach shave, maybe another round of voice training, get my electrolysis done faster, etc.

My transition’s going alright. I’m on low dose T and I’m getting impatient about all of it. I’d like to increase my dose to a normal one at my next drs appointment in April, but I just got assigned a solo in choir for may, and my voice hasn’t started changing majorly yet (main reason I’m on low dose T, already had a deep voice to start with and wanted it to gradually change so my vocal chords don’t get fucked up). With a higher dose there’s the risk it’ll start changing then sound all cracky and awkward before my solo. But on the other hand, AGHHGHFH I just want my body to transition. All I’ve got to show so far is a little bit of belly hair.

I feel ok with how things are going! I was surprised to find that I am a little more than seven months into HRT. I’ve had the expected breast growth and noticeable face rounding, some hair reduction, much softer skin, but I’m admittedly getting impatient for more body fat redistribution because this half way zone is awkward to exist in lol. I want to wear crop tops with confidence! Not there yet, tho. Still, things are looking good and I have a long road yet to go. I feel accepted and supported by the people close to me, so the awkward phase is more than tolerable!

Well. I thought I was cis with a trans spouse and lots of trans friends until, like, the beginning of March.

I ordered a binder. I’m around a 32G size and I’ve been getting in better shape, really liking muscle instead of my body being so soft, so why not? Most sports bras are a fuckin joke on a G cup anyway.

I really liked all the pics on the binder site! I love how these models look in binders, but also… Everything else? I start telling my wife how much I wish I could only wear my feminine features for special occasions and femininity was put on me like beautiful leg irons made of solid gold because doesn’t everyone feel like that hahaha- 😳

So I’m now really anxiously waiting for my binder and thinking a lot and have no idea what I’m doing!

But I am lucky as hell in plenty of way. I work from home, and my wife transitioned after we got married so 1) we’ve done this together before! 2) our attraction exists outside of gender, that’s the best way I can put it. I have a unique kind of privilege I know most people don’t get.

This is the first time I’ve cohesively said all that, and I feel so light… thank you so much for this question 💜

On one hand, I feel like I’m stuck. I’m not going to pass with only hrt and I’m not fully sure how to handle that.

On the other hand I just got myself a bunch of new feminine clothes and I can’t wait to get home and start using them, which will push how I express myself a lot while also being inside the range in which im comfortable with myself. So future goal will probably be about figuring out how to live as a trans passing woman rather than a cis passing woman :)