I go to work to work because I need a paycheck, not to make friends.
Where I am there is a new coworker that to me acts needy (think of Slow Horses’s Struan Loy), tries befriending me, but he invariably asks if everything’s ok. I don’t care about this person’s life.
The first 2 times I didn’t think anything of it, but he asks that every day and it’s becoming tiring.
I feel mobbed and stalked, mobbed because he keeps insinuating there is something wrong with me just because I don’t ask him about his private life and do my job, and stalked, because he is so fixated on me.
going to HR over this seems ridiculous, but I’m starting to hate his voice.
“I’m sure you’re perfectly nice as a friend, but I’m not looking for a friend. I like to keep my work and private life separate, and I’ll thank you to do the same around me. Don’t think I dislike you; but for me, personal chat is an unwelcome distraction.”
This website completely changed the way I thought about this stuff and I found it super helpful.
The line to walk, generally speaking, is, “When you do [specific behavior], it makes me feel [specific emotion].” So for example, “When you ask me if everything’s ok, it makes me feel pressured/put on the spot.”
Keeping it about your own feelings makes it less confrontational while still bringing attention to the problem - you don’t wanna get drawn into a whole debate about whether there’s anything wrong with asking if someone’s ok, but you want him to understand how you feel and (hopefully) take that into account in the future. If he does get defensive, repeat the message once to make it clear you’re standing your ground, but then drop it and move on. A lot of times it’s just a matter of the other person not realizing how it affects you.
Having said that, speaking as someone who’s very much had the same mentality in the past, there are a lot of advantages to having friends in the workplace. Something to understand about this approach is that it’s actually good for building relationships because it allows you to confront the behaviors that bother you while openly communicating your feelings, and people may even respect you more for standing up for yourself. Just remember to walk a middle ground, you don’t want to veer into aggression or passivity.
walk a middle ground, you don’t want to veer into aggression or passivity.
Got it, aiming for passive aggression!
“When you ask me if everything’s ok, it makes me feel pressured/put on the spot.”
have you ever done this yourself? To me it makes me look weak, giving them something they can use to attack me.
Not that specific example, but I have used that approach before. I think the first time was about 10 years ago. There were a couple queer people in my friend group who would throw around the f-slur, which was whatever, but one night when we were drinking one of my straight friends called me it, and that bothered me. So the next day I sent a group message talking about how it made me feel uncomfortable and I didn’t like it being normalized. It was a little awkward, but from then on everyone stopped using it and we all remained friends. In the long term, I think people actually respected me more for standing up for myself (since I was generally more of a pushover), and it stopped a behavior that had been making me uncomfortable and driving a bit of a wedge between us.
Most of the time, stuff like this don’t come from malice, but from people having different norms or expectations and not understanding each other. They might get defensive in the moment, but once they’re aware of it there’s a good chance they’ll stop. While people can be dicks, we are fundamentally social creatures and wired to avoid friction.
I will say it’s easier to confront people when you have a voluntary relationship with them, because if they’re dicks about it you can always just not hang out, but you can’t do that with coworkers. If they attack you for expressing how their behavior makes you feel, then you can probably bring it to HR and you’ll have a stronger case to say it’s malice.
It’s hard to refuse someone who on the surface is just being friendly, and who might take your rejection as a harsh assault on their fragile personality.
I think just try to communicate to him that he’s distracting you from work. He might not actually realise.
If he can’t be reasoned with, then maybe yes go to HR
“Please stop asking me if everything’s OK. Everything is fine and your concern is appreciated, but I prefer to work in silence and I’m not getting any right now.”
Tell him the truth. He’s so annoying you asked a bunch of randos on the internet what to do about hi.
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Here’s my take. OP is a girl working at Subway, both her and the guy are 16. The guy is romantically interested, tries to get her attention, does so awkwardly. OP is not interested, tries to excuse it as “being an introvert”. Course of action - say you’re not interested and move on. In case I’m wrong, disregard this comment.
Agreed!
You didn’t tell us when he asks if everything is OK. That is a large omission, and I hope you can update the original post with examples of what led up to the question being asked.
I’m a nurse and where I work at we all have to eat together, meaning I’m a captive audience and have to be there, like it or not. My coworkers are so special if I eat alone, away from them, they’ll come to me later and ask if everything’s all right. If I eat my lunch together with them but read a book, they invariably ask if everything’s all right.
I cannot win here. They need this level of attention and I just want to be left alone.
“Look man, I appreciate the concern, but really, I’m fine. I just prefer not to socialize.” Then divert your attention to something else.
Or you could pull an SGDQ and go with the ol’ “I would really prefer it if you would be quiet.”
Tell him you feel shy around him because you’re attracted to him, and then ask him out on a date. Either he’ll leave you alone or you’ll get some. Win/win
I’d always suggest being direct instead of waiting for other people to take a hint. Tactfully, mind you. Phrase it in a relaxed, emotionally neutral way that doesn’t single him out. Something like “Really, I am doing fine. When I’m at work, I just prefer to focus on the work itself instead of talking with people. I’m more at ease that way.”
That being said, is this the kind of work situation where you’re one of many options to make friends with or is it more of a you and him stuck in a room together all day type of thing? He sounds like a lonely person and if the two of you are stuck together then the best idea might be to seek a social compromise between you two’s preferences, like designating some specific portions of the day as times when it’s appropriate to have a conversation. You try to be sociable for him when it’s on, he tries to be quiet for you when it’s off.
I would go to HR since this sounds like covert harassment to me. Don’t think it’s ridiculous - you have the right to be left in peace. Lots of red flags on your post. However, it’s worth trying to talk to him first, so here are my suggestions:
If you are working: sorry Mr Loy, this is not a good moment. I’m trying to get work done
If you are not working, but also not ballsy enough to tell him to go away: sorry, I need to go ( go to the toilet or just pretend to be in a rush)
If you really want to set up boundaries anytime (recommended): thanks Mr Loy but I’m not interested
The tone in which you say things has a lot of weight though. If you can sound tired and bored of him, all the better. People who pick and harrass others typically go after people who react either hysterically or annoyed, or also after people who appear coy or shy and polite. I hope this helps.
going to HR over this seems ridiculous…
do this anyways.
they’re creating drama for themselves and it will suck in more people if they don’t get the validation they’re seeking. either figure out how to give them what they want in a way that works for you (this usually doesn’t work) or do everything in your power to protect yourself.
warning: if management sees them as more valuable than you are; you can expect going to hr to backfire.
Are headphones a possibility in your workplace?
Become their best friend. Setup a hang out outside of work in the worst part of town. Don’t show up. Make excuses. Do it again next week. Do it again until they hate you.
Just kidding. Set boundaries and pray the respect them. If they don’t buy a valve stem key for tires. Barely loosen the stem so that it takes 3-4 days for their tires get flat. Repeat until they lose their job.
Just kidding. Stay in the basement, get fired for missing work, become homeless, get a job somewhere else.
There we go… juuuuust right.
You do sound rather aggresive. :) We introverts can be friendly as well. He is probably just insecure about the situation.
