I don’t hate my dick. I derive a lot of pleasure from it. I really don’t experience dysphoria from having one, and in many ways I’m glad that I feel I can integrate my experience of womanhood with having a cock. And yet… I wish I had a pussy. I wish I could finger myself, I wish I could receive penetration vaginally. Yes I’ve tried anal, yes I’ve tried muffing. They don’t do anything for me. I wish I had access to the rich range of non-anal sex toys available to people who have a pussy.
But it also isn’t something that feels like a distressing yearning either? And having such a huge surgery which high risk of complication (I assume?) doesn’t feel proportionate or worth it, but I’m also unsure if this is just because the prospect feels so out of reach anyway it doesn’t even feel like an option. Because I’ll likely never have the money to do that anyway.
To make it worse, I’m chronically ill and very disabled. Signing up to that much (albiet short term) pain, and higher risk of complications with my heart and hEDS, it just makes it all so much more complicated.
Idk what I’m looking for out of this other than: does anyone else relate? lol
Christ, thanks so much for this reminder. You commenting this reminded me about how I used to talk about my “lack of dysphoria” before I medically transitioned. No matter what I could say about things, I could never deny that I’d press that magic button in an instant to change myself over. Changing my genitals to a vulva feels literally no different, and I think that should tell me something quite important.
I think the problem I’ve got with taking the leap is: I’ve got several quite serious chronic illnesses. One of them is hEDS, which can make pain relief very difficult and complicated. With my POTS, I also worry about post surgery complications and being out of work for too long. That and, the money would be so much, which I sorely need to make my life livable and accessible.
That being said, I will be preparing all I can to make it possible if I do choose to in future. Worse case scenario? I have a nice chunk of savings in a couple decades time.