Update: she said she couldn’t do monogamous and it’s over. Thanks everyone for the advice.
Hey all, I’m 42 trans woman and recently got together with a 31 trans woman. She’s been in mostly polly relationships but was single when i met her. I’m not polly and have exclusively dated monogamous in the past. Yesterday was her birthday, she worked early and i worked late so we couldn’t do anything for it ilon the day but i made sure we went to birthday dinner date last Thursday when we were both free. Last night i couldn’t get ahold of her and had a bad feeling. I was sick with worry all night. This morning she said her messages app crashed and she couldn’t use it. Then told me how she hooked up last night with a friend. My heart sank. I can’t explain how hurt i was. It reminded me of bad relationships I’ve had in the past with cheating ex’s. The thing is, we have not really put any rules to or relationships yet as it’s only been about a month. So, in her eyes she didn’t know it would hurt me so bad. This is the first relationships I’ve been in sense the beginning of 2025. I really saw this lasting. I could see her next to me at family events and such. Now, i don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. I just feel like I’m a side character in her story now. Guess, besides some general advice i was wondering if any polly people could help me come to terms with this and maybe help me move forward. Part of me wants to find a way to make this work with her but part of me wonders if i can ever forgive this.
If there is a better place to post this sort of thing let me know. I don’t post often and this was the first place that looked like i may find some advice.
Monogamy is the default, poly is the exception. Meaning that, if nothing has been discussed then everyone is going to assume their relationship is exclusive.
This person sucks, guess assholes exist everywhere, even in the trans community. Being trans doesnt make you a good person.
I like to think of the first or second date as the session zero of the relationship. Its the time to set rules and boundaries and expectations. Mostly first date is for seeing if you even gel together, second one lays down the foundation of it yknow?
Other than that, fuck this girl. If she didnt say anything about it then shes the asshole lol
Im sorry youre going through this all over again sister, keep texting me ❤️❤️❤️
No, this isn’t at all accurate. It is not how us polyamorous people think.
If someone or somemany wants monogamy they should say that and not assume others will know that, that’s tantamount to mind reading and having unspoken expectations.
Also, even if someone or somemany are monogamous, when they first start dating they often are dating many from what we understand, or at least seeing which options are open to them.
Lol im poly as well, and even i think that if i myself dont make it very clear that thats what im expecting then its just going to lead to hurt feelings and tears.
I mean honestly, think about it. The worst thats gonna happen if i dont say it outright is that im not being true to any other relationships i have, and what less sex maybe?? But on the flip if i do go and do something with another relation without telling the new hire then their feelings are absolutely going ti be hurt. And i dont want that ultimately.
I mean sure if you had only been on one date, no physical contact or anything yet then whatever. I still think that this should be one of the first things talked about though. And anyone dating me would absolutely know im poly in the first 3 minutes of our first date, or even before the ask out.
Guess thats just me 🤷♀️
Yeah, look, you being 100% upfront with your expectations, is a very good thing, and the poly girl from the post does sound really immature, bad at communicating, and avoidant.
However, assuming “defaults”, and putting the responsibility on “whoever is the exception”, is kinda shitty. It’s just normativity (amatonormativity in this case). An excuse, to absolve the side with established power, from their share of mutual responsibility, just because they can, so they often will.
Not communicating expectations, leads to hurt.
Two girls had a relationship for a month. That’s a good amount of time. One way or another, both avoided to process and talk about expectations. I relate with that, it’s easy to procrastinate complicated stuff, especially when you’re scared they might end up deal-breakers in something otherwise beautiful.
However, rules that have not been discussed, are unfair to assume. Even Mono people “date around”, the exclusivity isn’t assumed at first, as Of The Air said. The discussion itself needs to be had by literally everyone.
This doesn’t mean of course that the poly girl doesn’t have any responsibility, just because it was not discussed either. I’m assuming she knew you were not experienced with polyamory, @Entertainmeonly@lemmy.blahaj.zone (OP). She knew that, and yet was willing to risk causing you unmitigated pain, with no warning, no checking in, mostly hiding it as well, from what I can infer. That’s a shitty thing to live and love through, on your side. She is kind of a big asshole, ignoring your emotions.
And so, shit went south.
I’m not saying this as indictment at all, these are issues that are normal to be messy and inexperienced about. A couple of people were hurt a bunch, due to inexperience and mistakes, and that sucks.
But, Brooke, on an issue of shared, mutual responsibility, I think it’s very unfair to try to blame solely “the person who is less standard, because everyone only expects standard”.
That’s literally kinda bigoted against your own relationship structure girl.
You deserve better than that.
Disclaimer for Entertainmeonly (OP)