Twenty-two days ago, my wife asked me if I was trans. I had been quite depressed for some times, and maybe a little suspect during lunch when she saw a signal notification on my phone from someone I recently had to block here.

It has been so rough since then. She was not in a good state before because her job was awful (bad atmosphere, nothing to really do…) and I dumped it on her in the worst kind of way. She can’t accept it, to see me change, to stop presenting as a man. To her it is some ADHD hyperfocus and she believes I think it will solve all my issues with depression, focusing and stuff. Of course I know it fucking won’t but I need to do it. I guess I knew this would be the outcome so I spent 3 years trying to refuse my feelings. I don’t blame her. I lied to her by omission for 3 years, and she does not even know that I married her while trying to repress it all. She is also overwhelmed by anxiety and depression too. She does not want to leave as it means leaving me, our house, our cats, but I can’t seem to find a way to keep her from leaving and start my transition. I don’t want to lose her, I need her by my side. I love seeing the joy on her face when she talks to me about sewing, how happy she is to pet our cats, the fun we had playing board games or RV There Yet with her best friend, how satisfied she was to go to the gym and enjoy sport for the first time in her life, the evening watching tv under a cover, next to each other, the sex too. It kills me to see her in this state and I don’t know what to do, I just watch her pack her stuff without realising it will probably be the end.

A few days before, I met another baby trans girl on the fediverse. We grew feelings for each other fast : talking about IRL, how we felt with transitionning, being horny freaking too fast with each other. I’ll remember how I made her cum with a few messages because of how she is a good girl. We were so horny for each other, even when we attempted to bonk each other because we knew it would cause pain, and it was irresponsible. As I was seeing my mariage going south, I felt hope to build something with this older sister, as it was a rough time for her too. After a long discussion with her girlfriend, she accepted to stop talking to me and left our instance’s chat. After the last message, I managed to block her account here, but it kills me to not know how she is doing.

Now I just feel alone, and I want to be alone, but it scares the shit out of my wife to let me alone because I’ll do something stupid (I don’t plan to kill myself, but to cut me that sounds sweet) I’ll see my best friend this weekend and say all I have to say, I guess.

I am so sorry to have cause this much suffering to my wife and my sister. I can’t even fucking cry, nothing comes out.

Edit: Sorry Miisha for the dumb line, you are not the worst, obviously. I guess it was a desperate attempt to cheer you up with my hardship.

PS: this will probably be a pain to read and I apologize for it, and I hope that blocking also prevents the other to see my post.

  • LadyAutumn ( LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone ) MEnglish
    14·
    4 days ago

    Can you please tag this post as NSFW? :)

    Also, can you omit the last line comparing your situation to another user? I have no problem at all with your post, you are allowed to vent and go through it here. I just dont think that comparisons like that are helpful at all.

  • Miisha ♀️ ( Miisha@lemmy.blahaj.zone ) English
    10·
    4 days ago

    Mel, nooo 😭
    You need a hug. Desperately 🫂
    Fuck, I’m so sorry to hear that…I enjoyed your and her antics here on Lemmy so much. You were extremely cute together…

    I hope you get through this girl. People’s egg cracks causing breakups/divorces is unfortunately super common, I hear. You did nothing wrong there…

    I’m so, so sorry. To be clear, you are not the worst, not for this. If you’d like to talk, I’m here. Anytime

    Please get through this sis. Please take care of yourself. Don’t cut yourself, I’ve been there and it’s so not worth it.
    Sending lots of hugs and love 💜

  • alapakala ( alapakala@quokk.au ) English
    8·
    4 days ago

    CX

    A few tenants of a good relationship are honesty, clear communication, and expectations of boundaries. I never came out to my DNA donors because I knew how patriarchal they are, but I did to my lovely wifes. They knew, and supported my transition because I am always honest to them, communicated my feelings, and abided by their boundaries and clearly set mines. I sympathize with their struggles, their feelings, their responsibilities, because I was in similar positions.

    As a polycule, I inform them whenever I want to have sex with a stranger. They enjoy being made aware of the fact. They sometimes enjoy joining me in my outings. But I never betray their trust, their confidences in me, their vulnerabilities. I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize our relationship, our feelings, our trust. Because I love them as I love myself. I respect them, like I respect myself. I speak honestly, like I retrospect.

    I urge you, seek someone, anyone, you can confide in, and begin a process of intervention. Therapists, if you can afford one, profess this expertise. If you need help shopping for one, you can DM me. I apologize if my earlier reply read as “combative or aggressive.” That was not the intent whatsoever. I hope you do find the help you need, and the support everyone needs.

    • LadyAutumn ( LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone ) English
      8·
      4 days ago

      Is there some reason you’re taking such a combative stance with this user?

      Seriously you clearly have an angle here but. There’s no reason to communicate it so aggressively. Revise your wording or I’m taking this comment down.

      • alapakala ( alapakala@quokk.au ) English
        4·
        4 days ago

        How is questioning the morality of someone perceived “combative” instead of “curious”?

        Why do you perceive my inquiry “aggressively” instead of “critical”?

        What would you like me to revise?

        • LadyAutumn ( LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone ) English
          2·
          3 days ago

          This is a supportive community. People coming here are seeking support not asking to have their morality judged. You do not know this person. You do not know the circumstances of their daily life. You do not know the ultimate context through which these actions have taken place.

          Your comment is not supportive. I will now be removing it and giving you a temporary ban to end this dialog. In the future please follow the rules of this community.

          Edit: i see you edited your comment. I will allow it to remain with the changes.

        • Hacksaw ( Hacksaw@lemmy.ca ) English
          3·
          4 days ago

          Bring critical IS aggressive. You’re neither providing constructive criticism nor did they request criticism. So you’re just kind of being an asshole. Was op behaving in the best way? No. There clearly very disregulated, dealing with something complicated but aware they’re making bad choices.

          Nobody needs to have their lives picked apart by strangers who probably have at least as many problems we can’t see because they’re not being vulnerable about them.

          • alapakala ( alapakala@quokk.au ) English
            1·
            4 days ago

            Bring critical IS aggressive

            TIL.

            providing constructive criticism nor did they request criticism

            True, tis a vent🧵. Not sure we can do either in this case, or do you see a chance for eithers?

            So you’re just kind of being an asshole

            Because I just learned being concise in what I want answered makes me an asshole?

            Nobody needs to have their lives picked apart by strangers who probably have at least as many problems we can’t see because they’re not being vulnerable about them.

            Oh I agree. I just wondered why we have to know about this vent, and not their therapist.

            • apotheotic (she/her) ( apotheotic@beehaw.org ) English
              4·
              4 days ago

              I just wondered why we have to know about this vent, and not their therapist.

              You don’t have to know about this vent, you could click off and move on at any point, if it really does bother you. This is a community, and op evidently wanted to lean on the community a bit for support. They may very well speak to their therapist, or they may not have access to one, or they may have access to one and did not feel comfortable bringing any of this up with them because outing themselves to their therapist might get them into unsafe situations. Any number of reasons. Whatever the reasons, they chose to share in this community, and our response should be supportive and helpful.

              If you wanted to offer your perspective, you might have done so, but all your (rhetorical) questions don’t read as support or care. They read as standoffish and accusatory.

              I agree that they have behaved in a way that is inconsiderate, and from the tone of their post it seems they know that they were so. If you wanted to touch on that, you could have done so directly and kindly.

              "I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a tough period mentally and emotionally. Navigating transness is not simple, especially with loved ones who do not support you.

              As a polyeros individual, I have to say you might want to navigate, particularly situations like yours with the other person you aren’t married to, differently in future. Open, transparent communication about relationships and boundaries is key, and benefits all involved parties. Lots of heartache can (and should) be avoided by adhering to boundaries set by your loved ones, and communicating with new amours about potential boundaries they (and their existing partners) may have. You owe it to the people you care about, even if it means you can’t follow that spur of the moment, horny energy, as fun as it feels.

              I hope you all manage to find your ways through this with minimal hurt - be kind to yourselves."

              It doesn’t take much more to frame your communications with kindness, especially in a community that exists to be a safe space for transfems.

  • MystValkyrie ( MystValkyrie@lemmy.blahaj.zone ) English
    8·
    4 days ago

    There are so many stories about people whose eggs crack and come to terms with it after getting married. I don’t think that counts as lying, but it’s really hard for everyone involved. My now-wife met me a few years after coming out to her girlfriend six years into their relationship and moving on from the ensuing fallout. A lot of trans folks have come through that tunnel happier, realizing anything that’s broken can be rebuilt stronger on an authentic foundation.

    That being said, I hope I don’t come across as harsh here, but I think it was wrong that you cheated on your wife during all this, unless you’re both poly. If you haven’t said anything to her yet, I think she has a right to know.

    Hang in there. You’re in a rough patch, but all is not lost.

    • mel ♀ ( mat@jlai.lu ) OPEnglish
      2·
      4 days ago

      I don’t think she should know. I already broke her ability to trust and self-comfidence. She does not need to suffer more

      • MystValkyrie ( MystValkyrie@lemmy.blahaj.zone ) English
        13·
        4 days ago

        I know you’re framing this as being for her sake, but I just don’t see it that way. Sorry. If someone I was with was hooking up with other people without checking if I was okay with that first, I’d want to know the truth so I can make an uncoerced, informed decision about whether to stay in that relationship. I feel like that’s the mentality for most people.

        I don’t know your wife, but is that really what you think, that she’d prefer to be lied to? Are you sure that’s the real reason why you don’t want to tell her?

  • applebusch (she/her) ( applebusch@lemmy.blahaj.zone ) English
    8·
    4 days ago

    🫂 its going to be ok girl. im so sorry your wife couldnt accept you and you feel like you cant interact with someone you really like. i just want you to know that the things you want arent wrong or bad. its ok to want things for yourself. it might be hard to imagine now but things can get better from here.