I’ve been admittedly struggling with my identity as a whole, especially as I approach my 1 year mark on Estrogen. So far it’s the right call for me, but I’ve discovered that I’m becoming more comfortable with my masculine traits and even find myself binding my breasts that I’ve waited so many years to have, while the next day I’ll do the complete opposite and present femininely.
I feel like I have no consistent sense of self and often have a hard time even knowing what’s going on in my head haha
Constantly trying to figure out if I’m a boy, girl, both, or neither, because I admittedly struggle with my body in various fronts. One day I’m too feminine, the next I look too much like a man, or I’m not androgynous enough.
Frankly, it’s exhausting. I used to think I was just a woman but it doesn’t seem to fit as I continue hrt.
It feels odd to express all of this but, I’ve not really talked to many trans people as I’m chronically shy. Is there anyone who can relate to what I’m going through?
You may want to look into genderfluid as what you’re describing reminds me of that.
I’ve considered it admittedly, I think I’m just worried about push back from others I know.
Add in a little bit of denial and imposter syndrome as well and that’s me rn
i began having similar thoughts/feelings once i began feeling more comfortable with my body due to HRT. like others have said here, you shouldn’t feel pressured to place yourself in one box or another and you should instead use this time to really explore everything you can about gender. just see where you land and follow your feelings.
it may even come to pass that, like me, you find that you can’t identify as only one thing. over the last three years i’ve gone from coming out as non-binary tranfem, to identifying fully as a woman, to now having an understanding that i’m polygenderflux and i feel varying degrees of certain genders. and guess what, some of those genders i made up, they’re mine; because gender isn’t real (?) 🤷♀️ you can kind of just… be you.
I can’t say this is something I have experienced. I got gender euphoria from the start right up to today.
But maybe you are gender fluid? If that fits then it fits. It’s OK to be a man on Tues and a woman on Friday.
There is no wrong way to be you. There is only you. The words are only important if they are useful. When words fail, you are still here, and you are more important than the words will ever be.
It’s OK to tell a story to simplify it down to strangers. (Like: I’m a trans woman) You don’t need to have the whole experience of your transition down to an elevator speech.
I say this to give some guidance on how you could move through the world. Strangers get the simple lie. Friends and family get the more nuanced truth.
This is totally relatable. I see gender as a whole as pretty nebulous. For myself, it is anything but easy to understand, and terrifyingly difficult to explain to others. What I hear from you sounds gender-fluid, it may or may not be a label that resonates with you.
It can also be beneficial to see your gender expression as independent from your gender identity. You might still be a woman, but express masc if that’s just the vibe for that day. There shouldn’t be rules. Trans people have suffered enough from gender expectations and pressure. Becoming trans doesn’t remove them, it only shifts them to a new goalpost.
Personally I love titling myself as Non-binary. It’s an umbrella term, independently it isn’t very descriptive. I don’t resonate with gender-fluid, demi-girl, bigender, etc… I sort of see myself as Non-binary as a n act of protest against gender. It’s a social construct as far as I’m concerned, and putting more thought into it feels like a disservice to myself. I spent enough years searching desperately for a label that hasn’t been created yet. It is exhausting, It is constrictive, I don’t want to do that to myself. I wanna do whatever it is I want. My body, my choice, my life, and it damn better be my right too.
Hopefully you figure it out. I technically never did, but what I have found is a path to make myself a lot happier. I hope you can find the same at the very least. Sending you virtual hugs 🤗
For what it’s worth you’re not alone.
Every day I wake up with the brain fog clearing and having to do a self check of whether I’m feeling he, they or she … and it does have a knock on effect on my mood when my presentation doesn’t match how my inner self feels.
Also it’s not a daily “decision” for me … over the course of the day my mood can push my feelings of gender from one end of the scale to the other.