It does not get better. There is no reason for it to get better. There is nothing guaranteeing it will get better. There is no policy, no protocol, no rules, no nothing. NOTHING in this life WILL get better. It might get better.
I’ve had this phrase parroted to me more times than I can count in the past 17 years. And I don’t mean that I’m 17 and having a woe is me moment. Today is my 31st birthday.
When I was a kid, my mother abused me. Mostly emotional and mental abuse, but a dash of physical thrown in for the hell of it. It always was about her. How I acted reflected her so I had to act exactly like she wanted me to, both in private and in public. I wasn’t allowed to be myself. I had to be her perfect child, which of course I wasn’t. I’m not psychic so I’d do things against her “wishes” and I’d be starved or screamed at.
When I was 14 she found out I was gay. She told everyone in the family and everyone she worked with so within days my family and my friends all knew. I told no one, not even her. She read my journal and then told EVERYONE. Her co-workers and friends told their kids. Who told everyone else.
Not long after that she punted me into foster care because she got backlash for having a gay kid. Foster care was more or less the same. I thought maybe that this time I’d meet someone who cared but of course not. They collected foster kids to get government money to fund their own lifestyle. We were left outside for most of the day, no matter the weather, while they drove off to the nearest “city” to go gamble and do whatever else.
When I became an adult I obviously had no skills and no plans. I didn’t know what I was doing because no one ever taught me how to take care of myself. How to look after myself. I was only ever taught how to look after other people and take care of them. So I tried to do that and I burned myself out. Realized that NO ONE gave a shit about me and that nothing would ever change that. I started to get bitter and withdrawn. My best friend, who sensed that I was on the verge of ending my own life, asked me to move in with him. So I did. Moved across country. He used me. I was just his live in house-maid and because it was a tiny ass town with no job market, and because no one taught me to drive and I was never able to get my license, I was stuck. He used me more and more until I tried to kill myself.
Didn’t go well. Ended up in the hospital. When I got home he just asked why I didn’t clean the dishes yet. I packed up everything and left very shortly after that. Became homeless for 5-6 years, walking across the country and trying to find some reason to keep living. I hadn’t given up. I was terrified and alone and desperate but I hadn’t given up. He was my last friend and after that I’ve never been able to trust people enough to fully open up to them. Always apprehensive that they’re going to hurt me like everyone else has. This exhausts people and drives them away. Do I want to stop? Yes. Can I stop? No. This hurts but it has hurt less than everyone else has hurt me.
Then I encountered the government and tried to get their help. You can guess how well that went. Ended up on disability after YEARS of fighting despite multiple doctors signing off and saying “Dude is mentally decrepit, physically destroyed, and suffering from a permanent debilitating disease.” Yet despite now having income to get a place to rent, no one would rent to people on disability. Is that illegal? Yes. Do you see it on most ads? Yes. The government doesn’t fund the department that would fine people so while illegal it’s not enforced. Despite that, I did find a couple of places, all of which were nightmares. Landlords who were micromanaging or walked into your place whenever they wanted. Shutting down utilities because they were leaving for a vacation and didn’t trust us to not use too much electricity. Insanity.
Nevertheless, I kept pushing and I found a place. Me and a roommate who are barely able to afford this place. It was the cheapest thing I could find. I’m paying less rent than I ever have in my life. I still cannot afford food and medication. I get $1200ish per month on disability. If I was able to work and worked minimum wage full-time then I’d get $1800. People who cannot work are literally being given less than we need to survive. But of course no one cares. Any protests that have happened are shut down instantly because people just don’t show up. Only disabled people do. No able bodied folks.
Food is impossible to afford, especially after the pandemic. Costs of living skyrocketed but disability was given an extra $60 a month. I get less per dollar than I ever have, and the quality is worse. Food banks are overtaxed and on a first come-first serve basis. This wouldn’t be so bad if I could walk without the use of a cane but I can’t get to the food bank in time. Lets pretend I could afford the bus to get there. I’d be standing there for hours waiting for them to open, in physical agony because I can’t stand, only to get in for them to have nothing. I know this is what would happen because it already has on numerous occasions.
Medication is impossible to afford because despite disability covering most of my meds, it doesn’t cover the ones I need the most. Why? Because i’m allergic to the dye in the generic, of all fucking things, and need the brand name. Disability is supposed to cover it in this case but my doctor can’t do the allergy test to prove it’s the coloring. He KNOWS its the coloring because it’s the only difference between the generic and the brand name, but the allergy test is, you guessed it, not covered by disability. So I have to keep paying for the medication because if I tried to pay for the allergy test I’d have to starve myself for two months straight.
I even avoid mirrors, shiny surfaces, and turned off appliances because the sight of my own face fills me with more self loathing than I can possibly put into words.
So here I am. 31 years old. I don’t have any friends because I can’t trust people because I’ve never been able to trust people.
I dig through dumpsters when I can to find food because it’s unaffordable. Only saving grace is occasionally I find things I can re-sell to get some groceries. However this is also an issue because if disability ever finds out I made money doing that, they’d demand money back because I’d now have ‘‘income’’.
I don’t have a life because I can’t afford to live. I play games but they’re rapidly becoming less and less interesting. Same with watching anything. Before I used to dive into books but now I can’t get past the first page. If I turn on a movie I’m bored within minutes. If I start looking at crap on my phone then I just end up seeing my own reflection and getting depressed.
So the next person who dares to say “Oh it gets better” to my face, is going to end up being viciously beaten to death. I don’t have anything to lose anymore and I am so fucking tired of the lies. I am tired of this endless positivity that doesn’t belong in this world, or at the very least in mine. I’m tired of people saying something because it makes THEM feel better but does nothing to help the person in need. It’s performance theater to pat yourself on the back.
OWN UP TO IT AND SPEAK THE TRUTH. LIFE FUCKING SUCKS. IT’S MISERABLE. IT WILL ALWAYS BE MISERABLE. ITS JUST A MATTER OF OFF SETTING THE BAD DAYS WITH GOOD DAYS, AND THAT SOMETIMES THE MATH BECOMES IMPOSSIBLE.
I’ve had hope. I’ve looked to the future and thought that things would change. I’ve planned my wedding. I’ve thought how nice it would be to be hugged for the first time in 13 years. I’ve thought about how maybe winning the lottery would change things.
Now I just hope I wake up dead because I’m too much of a coward to end it myself. I don’t believe in god yet I pray every day for the strength to kill myself. I dream about being dead because I know nothing would change. My roommate would find another roommate and forget about me. My family already has forgotten about me. I don’t have any friends. The people I run a DnD game for would forget about me because everyone else sure as hell has.
Please stop lying to me. Please.
Hey. Your path through life so far has been really hard, and that’s not fair. No, this life isn’t fair. This society isn’t fair. This society is quite sick actually. You didn’t and don’t deserve to be treated this way. You have intrinsic worth and value that you don’t have to do anything to earn. I don’t know you, but I actually do care about you. What I can do for you is limited, but that’s why I’m responding.
I want you to know that even though no one has been through exactly what you’ve been through, there are people, including myself, that have been falling down a different side of the mountain along side you. I’m a bit older than you, but some of my lowest lows were in my late 20s to mid 30s. I worked very hard to try and tear out the rot in my life and rebuild something that wasn’t daily agony, and while my life isn’t perfect, it’s completely different than it used to be.
I want to pass on some things that helped me in case they might help you. These are just suggestions, and if they don’t apply to your exact situation, I’m sorry if any of them cause offense.
Look into CPTSD and the resources for that. There are unfortunately a lot of people out there who have been through these kinds of situations. There are communities who actually get what you’re saying because they’ve lived through it too. They won’t repeat things like “It gets better” over and over at you. They’ll say things like “Dude, I went through the same thing”, “I’m going through this right now”, or “It’s really hard and I still struggle with it”. There are some things that are so incredibly mind-breaking that humans apparently cannot get over. At best we can coexist with what has happened. These are your people.
If it helps, as a temporary defense mechanism to get you through, develop a detached, amused, incredulous, outlook. Like “Wow this is all a horror show, let’s see what ridiculous thing happens next.” Amuse yourself with the surreal and unbelievable cruel nature of what you and other people are made to experience. But please don’t make this a permanent state of affairs since it’s unhealthy. This is a tourniquet until you can find actual solutions.
Life gets better by inches and then by miles. This is ridiculous sounding, but it was my experience, and I’ve seen this pattern repeated so many times when I come across people sharing their life stories as you have here, but they’ve done this and are on the other side. When you’re at the bottom, start from the bottom. Start building basic habits that will form a good foundation for your life. Think about it like rolling a snowball down a hill. For example, if you don’t make your bed, just start doing that every day until it becomes automatic. Then do the same thing for another basic thing like brushing your teeth. One day you’ll wake up and realize you’re taking care of yourself automatically and have the headspace to do bigger things. Here’s a site that I still find ridiculous in that it’s sometimes necessary but still somehow so helpful: https://philome.la/jace_harr/you-feel-like-shit-an-interactive-self-care-guide/play/index.html
It is much more difficult to take care of your mind if you’re not taking care of your body. As part of rolling that snowball, sneak in some things like “I’m going to take a walk every morning.”
Accept that some things don’t get better, but don’t let it define you. I still don’t have any friends, and I’m starting to think I never will. I too have an incredibly hard time trusting anyone because of what I’ve been through. But that’s not my entire life, and when I can I try and work on that a little.
I’ve experienced religious trauma, so it’s always hard for me to recommend this, but Buddhism has helped me immensely. It’s not dogmatic, you can take the philosophical bits and leave the religious trappings on the floor, and you can practice by yourself. I suggest it because it’s a religion/philosophy that starts with your premise (in fact we call it “The Four Noble Truths”):
- There will always be suffering in life
- Suffering arises from “craving” (warning: there’s a lot to unpack in that word)
- This suffering can be ended
- Here is a checklist to end it.
If that sounds useful, here are some low-effort starting points: http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/5minbud.htm https://secularbuddhism.org/starting-out/
You were brave and strong to share your story here. Keep reaching out to people. Unfortunately our society is not built to make it easy for others to care about one another, but deep down, humans really do. I’m not just trying to make you feel better when I say I, a complete stranger, care about you. And I’m also not lying when I say there’s very little I can do about it. It’s not you, or me, it’s the machine we find ourselves in. Still, I do what I can.
Hang in there, and meet yourself where you’re at. Some things don’t get better themselves, but we can minimize their impact on our overall life.
Also highly recommend Buddhism, fallen a bit out of practice though. Thank you for the reminder.
Same here actually. But the practice is the coming back. Over and over.
You have intrinsic worth and value that you don’t have to do anything to earn
Why? Where is this coming from?
Because every sentient being deserves compassion and care. Because no sentient being should have to suffer. Because their unique experience, thoughts, perspective, and outlook enriches us all. Some of humanity’s greatest minds, scientists, advancements, art, and philosophy, have come from people who have lived in society’s margins.
If this is difficult to understand, you can try a few things.
First, try putting yourself in this person’s shoes. Do you feel like you should have to justify to someone why you should not have to suffer? Does it feel good to be made to feel that way? Do you deserve to feel bad? The answer to all of these is, “no”. It is the birthright of every person to have the best life possible. Full stop.
If it’s difficult to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, you can try thinking of yourself. People who are hurt and have had bad things happen to them often can’t help other people. They can’t contribute to humanity to the best of their ability. Sometimes, people who are hurt, reflect that pain outward and hurt other people. All things considered, in the statistical soup of the world, if there are fewer people who are hurting, you’re more likely to have positive experiences. In Buddhism we call that karma.
“I am, somehow, less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein’s brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and died in cotton fields and sweatshops.” - Stephen Gould
That someone can have the best life possible and feel good instead of being hurt doesn’t explain where the value and worth comes from. You can objectively be worth next to nothing or even be detrimental to society and still deserve a good life.
In fact, I think humans have no worth at all. They destroy the environment simply by existing in capitalism. There is no such thing as an ethical consumer. And in capitalism, we all consume.
That doesn’t mean I want humans to suffer. Please note that distinction. It’s OK to be worth nothing, you’re allowed to just live.
(This is a long ramble. It might not help you but whatever.)
TL:DR; life sucks, it might not suck later, find the good in your situation, make human connection, and ultimately things are only a small part in your control
The promise of a “they lived happily ever after”/perfectly good world is a lie and a fairy tale, simple as that. People are liars, nature and society are cruel, NOTHING you do will change that. Life sucks and your life in particular has really sucked to this point. BUT, that doesn’t mean your life must suck forever. You appear smart and intelligent enough to even be able to write out something like this. Even if you had an appearance (or smell) that petrifies people on sight like Medusa 😅, your wits are worth something.
The people who often say “it will get better” either have a lot of things going for them that you don’t, or have just learned to live with their awful situation and making the most of it. My situation (which hardly compares to yours at all) got better from previously, but it’s in no small part thanks to people who stepped up and gave me advice and support when I needed it.
You sound like you are somewhere in the USA. In Canada we have a real affordability crisis as it is, but the States somehow has an extra ingrained disdain for people just looking to scrape by, as if they somehow deserve suffering. I’m glad you at least have internet access, I’ve recently helped a homeless person who had no working electronics and it was surprisingly challenging, since virtually everything is online or a phone call away.
You need someone to talk to, someone you can trust or something to look forward to. You need help, and you need someone in your corner who can vouch for you. Too much suffering will break you permanently, through PTSD (which compounds traumatic experiences you’ve been through alresdy), just not eating or sleeping enough, or through an addiction to drugs.
Now, you can’t force someone else to love you, but what can you do on your own part? Nature walks, visits to the library for inexpensive solo activities. Does disability/welfare give you ANY mental health support at all? Cause dude that is something you will need to address to even start to solve half these issues. You play DnD, start by at least appreciating you have a healthy distraction (if this is how you want to refer to it) to a painful life. Don’t unload on people that don’t want to be your therapist, but make use of a real human connection to talk about things you like and listen to their experiences too.
I’m sorry you’ve been through so much. I hope you can find enough light amongst the darkness to stick around.
I’ve been trying. For years. There isn’t any left. Sometimes I think I’m only alive because I’m hoping that Star Trek might come true spontaneously. That I’ll wake up one day in a world that has problems, but where the problems are solved collectively. That I’m not discarded and left to suffer and rot until I die.
I share a lot of your feelings and issues. From a terrible family, suicidal tendencies and health issues holding me back. I cry some days because I feel so helpless. Throughout my life I’ve lost so much that at times I wonder why I keep bothering to push forward. There is value to this life even though it can seem worthless at times. Keep fighting and pushing forward, the world is better with you here.
The world wouldn’t notice if I died. No, the world isn’t better with me here. Especially when I’m not a good person.
There’s no reason why you can’t become a good person if that’s true. I suspect a lot of this is the depression talking as it’s something I’ve also battled my entire life. Nearly three decades of wanting to die, I’m still here. It’s been an excruciating slog but I keep pushing through. “I don’t have the balls to kill myself” has been something I’ve always told myself. My worst enemy in life has been myself and I don’t think that will ever completely go away. Try to nurture whatever is left in you that keeps wanting to push forward. It may seem like there’s nothing left but you’re here and I believe that shows there’s still a little gas left in the tank.
Honestly I don’t care if I’m a good or a bad person anymore. I used to. I used to be good all the time for everyone but it got me nowhere. I know I’m a shitty person now but I don’t really care. No one cared about me before. Why would it matter if they suddenly cared now when they got their feelings hurt.
As for something left in the tank, nope. Tanks out of fuel. Car is running on either fumes or momentum and I won’t know until this downhill slope tapers off.
Just know you’re not alone. Don’t let all the demons win. They will always be there and while it will never be easy, as an atheist, what’s the alternative? I lost my sister to heroin and it’s one of the many things that hold me back in life. I’ll never get to see her again, I’ll never get to apologize. She’d want me to keep living. There’s people that want you to do the same.
I hope you don’t read this as patronizing but: You come off as incredibly persistent and thoughtful, at least judging from the contents of your post.
I know very little about your situation or what it’s like to be in your shoes. I personally have found a lot of motivation/meaning from reading dostoevsky, victor frankl’s man’s search for meaning, etc. If you can’t concentrate while reading, can you get an audiobook version somehow?
Wishing you the best possible outcome given your situation. Peace.
The secret to life for me is to learn to enjoy the suck and take pride in your resilience. You sound like an incredible person to me!
I have never felt joy or happiness enough to have a basis to even say how to ‘enjoy’ something. Don’t think I ever actually have enjoyed something. I enjoy being distracted from my life, but I couldn’t care less what it is that I’m doing or watching. Only as long as it works.
As for being resilient, I take no pride in finding out that my bones won’t break. I don’t want to be the Atlas of holding up my own wasteland of a world. I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to have to find out that I’m strong. Why can’t I just be? Why does everything have to be a test? What the fuck is the point of passing every test when it’s only the same thing forever? Unrelenting attempts to snap me in half?
Resilient means that you can survive things far more than is the norm. Surviving isn’t living though. I’ve tried to end my own life and I’m too resilient for even myself. This is what I mean by praying for the strength to kill myself.
OWN UP TO IT AND SPEAK THE TRUTH. LIFE FUCKING SUCKS. IT’S MISERABLE. IT WILL ALWAYS BE MISERABLE.
Not if you’re ever lucky. Anyone might die without ever having good luck though.