I don’t know, u/FART…

Um, I wouldn’t. I would quit and move to another country.

“Do you smell that? I can’t figure out where it’s coming from!”

okay dude, be honest where you the weirdo that got caught

by getting it surgically altered. I could never show the old face ever again.

also, moving and changing my name.

yikes

Gently explain to anybody who will listen that you accidentally spilled some of your cocaine.

Someone round the office has been ripping extremely distinctive aweful farts and I need to discover who in order to stop them

It depends. Did you, sorry, your friend, get caught sniffing a single seat or is there CCTV footage of them sniffing a lot of seats (presumably all the women in the office). The former is easier to get away with than, say, being caught licking a bicycle seat, just say your pen rolled under the desk and you were on your hands and knees by the chair fishing for it. If it’s the latter then walk out immediately, then drive a truck laden with gas canisters into the front of the building and throw a Molotov cocktail at it in the hole that the explosion and fire would destroy any evidence and anyone who saw it.

eye contact, then lick the chair

“My boss told me I get to be supreme chair sniffer for the day, can I sniff your chair?”

Sounds like somebody didn’t poop for a whole week

username checks out

I don’t think I’d have to worry as much since my sense of smell is basically gone.

I’m sure the people I’m working with would know that, so I’d be forced to save face for having my face too close to their seats, in which I got no clue how to save face from that.