Ummm… This is a bit grotesque, so if you don’t like graphical bodily stuff, maybe skip what follows. Anyway, someone gifted me really expensive and rare cheese recently. By that point, I had been eating less animal products, so I had forgotten my body couldn’t really handle dairy…
My friend and I tried it and it was absurdly tasty. We kept on eating, grating, eating, grating… In a single sitting, my friend and I ate the whole thing.
Oh boy, what a mistake. My belly ached. I was bloated. ‘Not a problem’, I thought, ‘tomorrow morning everything will be okay’. My lactase-abundant friend left and I went to sleep.
Middle of the night. I woke up. Nausea. Dizziness. I just had to go go the toilet. I ran. Oh boy, my stomach wasn’t happy with me. At all.
I figured I’d wait and see if this ended up being serious. It could be temporary. Except, I had to go to the toilet again, and again, and again.
“OK, snek_boi, you need electrolytes. You won’t die from lactose intolerance-induced dehydration. I refuse”. So I went to the store, got the electrolytes, and chugged them as I came back. Alright. Time to sleep, again.
I managed to sleep, except when I woke up I still felt nauseous. I went to the bathroom. This time, (TRIGGER WARNING, GROTESQUE) I was pooping radioactive water. It was bright yellow, almost like Powerade or Gatorade or something like that. Wtf.
I took out my phone to see if I should go to the hospital. Turns out, if you eat too much cheese, it goes through a whole process as your body tries to decompose it. The very last step is pooping bile, which is secreted in an attempt to digest the fat in cheese.
Knowing about that whole ‘cheese digestion process’, I guessed I wouldn’t die anytime soon. I just sat on the toilet, drinking my electrolyte solution, contemplating, contemplating my poor decisions, contemplating the wondrous complexity of chemistry and biology, contemplating the fragility of human life and good gut health.
TL;DR: Too much cheese can mess you up.
I’m sure you know this but I felt the need to put this PSA out here. You can buy lactase pills at the pharmacy to mitigate some of the intestional catastrophe from eating dairy
I once spilled a pot of mac and cheese before I could add the sauce. I saved the cheese powder for the next day. It was then I learned what “dangerously cheesy” truly is. It was bad, but it was good.
I’ve had one dish ever with too much cheese, scrambled eggs. If you get to a 50/50 ratio it just gets this terrible texture
Up until that point, it sounds damn good tho.
Make it into an omelette, and the cheese to egg ratio doesn’t even matter
There is no such thing as too much cheese
You can add too much cheese to bechamel when making mac and cheese. It turns the sauce from smooth and velvety into spackle.
Don’t lie, you’ll eat that spackle and enjoy every minute of it.
Enjoy is a strong word. ‘Tolerate because I’m poor’ is the proper term.
It’s probably just me, but are rouxes and bechamels just like REALLY hard to get right? I fuck em up every time, so I refuse to make cheesey sauces by hand anymore.
You can buy some sodium citrate off amazon. It’s the emulsifier that makes american cheese and velveeta work, you’ll get a smooth sauce with much better flavor than velveeta. Just google sodium citrate mac n cheese for a recipe, it’s pretty easy to make.
Before I started caring about my waistline, I used to make giant batches of home made macaroni and cheese a few times a month. My recipe is simple, but I recognize it’s also probably an abomination when compared to proper techniques, but here’s the thing - it’s easy, forgiving, and it works!
Forgive my lack of measurements. I’m going to try, but I’ve just winged it for years.
3-4 cups of milk in at least a 2qt saucepan. Slowly heat to almost a simmer, stirring to keep the bottom from scorching. As it’s heating, really mix about 1/2 cup milk and a couple fat tablespoons of flour. You want a good amout of flour, but loose enough to still be able to pour. When the milk is starting to ripple, slowly pour in the flour mixture while whisking.
This would technically be the hardest part. Don’t add all the flour mixture yet. Flour thickens the most once it comes to a boil. Mix/whisk in about half, see how thick the mixture gets once it starts to bubble (watch for hot spatters!) When I make it I want like a gravy texture - not runny, not pudding, somewhere in between. Not thick enough? Add more flour mix. Too thick? Add a splash of milk. You just need it to bubble slowly for a couple minutes to achieve it’s full potential.
Once you’ve gotten a decent texture (remember it will thicken a little more after cooling) take it off the heat. Add garlic powder, onion powder, whatever seasoning you want, just be careful with salt until you’ve tasted it with the cheese. Now that you’ve stirred it a bit, add your cheese and let the remaining heat melt it. Depending on if you’re using shredded or cut a block into chunks, you may have to warm it a little on the heat if it gets too cold, but DON’T bring it back to a boil. There’s a risk some cheeses might break if you do. Don’t get it too hot and you should be good.
I fought with making a proper roux too many times. My “nobody knows what I’m doing alone in the kitchen” version was far easier (forgive me real chefs 😉.)
Super easy if you follow this recipe:
Take 4 tbsp butter in a pan. melt it
add 2 tbsp flour. whisk for 3 minutes.
slowly add 1.5 cups milk and vigorously whisk it into the butter and flour mix (slowly is key here too fast and you’ll end up with lumpy sauce)
Once all the milk is added you should have a smooth but thin sauce. Cook your sauce until it reaches a consistency that you want then add your cheese (I add 100-150g of parmesan to this for alfredo or 150g of cheddar for mac and cheese sauce). Remember that the sauce will thicken more once you take it off heat.
Edit: Also spices are on you. Spice it however you like starting with at least some salt since the milk will take some salt away from the cheese.
Ok, maybe that slowly bit is my problem. It always ends up lumpy. So, that’s gotta be it! Thank you!!
Make sure you’re whisking while you add the milk. Slowly adding the milk and whisking are the keys to making it smooth. Some people will even just add the milk 1/3 at a time. So add a half cup while whisking, get it integrated, then add another half cup, repeat til all the milk is in.
Yeah but then you just apply more shredded cheese on top
Sometimes it makes the food too fatty imo
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Garlic
So underappreciated here in the US.
My cheese hound brother @KickMeElmo probably has something to say to this
There’s a lot of harm actually. Not to you, but:
To lots of cows/sheep/goats that have to be forcibly impregnated by humans or by socially inept bulls/rams/billies that physically/sexually assault said animals, to be forcibly separated from their offspring by humans upon birth to widespread emotional distress, to be forcibly maneuvered into a cage and hooked up to tubes for hours at a time to extract their milk (aka breast milk for baby cows/sheep/goats) for days and weeks and months on end, and to be forcibly killed at an early age by humans to extract all parts of the animals’ corpses for human taste sensation or as protection from the environment (clothing).
Then, lots of humans get harmed during the impregnation/separation/killing steps above either due to the animals retaliating against humans, or due to humans getting injured from the machinery that processes animal corpses, or due to the illnesses that arise from working in environments that process animal corpses, or due to the illnesses that arise from living around environments that process animal corpses.
Lots of harm behind it that you don’t see, and that’s by design.
