Feelings: I can’t shake away the thought that I’ve hurt her deeply. I mourn for the children we wanted to have. The house and the garden I promised. The stolen fertile years of her life. I hurt someone whose only crime was not quite being able to share the same headspace as me. I felt lonely in the relationship due to the language and the alien culture, but since I’ve been alone and moved back to my home country I’ve realised that I tend to just generally live in my head, regardless of language or company.

I feel that my loneliness problem wasn’t coming from her somewhat difficulty in hearing me, but in my difficulty sharing aspects of myself with others. I feel that I’ve ruined my life, and that’s okay, completely self-inflicted… but I can’t live with the idea that I’ve ruined hers too. The thought and the guilt buries me every night.

Closure: we’ve said goodbye a thousand times, and have talked about the above themes, but I can’t shake away the memories I have with her.