My starting point this time around has been YouTube. Web search is a crapshoot these days, so I was hoping to find videos that are neither infantilizing nor a bullet-point list of “you might be autistic if” (and I specified midlife diagnosis, yielding results about kids and teens), but sourced so I can do further reading.
First complaint: Cut the fucking new-age “soothing” music and talk to me like I’m a functioning adult, instead of using diagrams a competent 5-year-old can understand. The last thing I need is to be patronized while trying to expand my understanding.
Second complaint: Making things a circular package deal (if you do X, you must also do Y and Z [already false], which explains why you do X [that’s handled with RAA]).
Third complaint: Excessive use of domain-specific terminology (e.g., “stimming,” “soothing”) instead of plain English. That’s fine for a seminar, but all it does for me is hit me over the head that these are terms I should use and cherish. Fuck that.
Fourth complaint: Assuming I can’t possibly be anything other than a complete mess (basically a combo of the first and second) if multiple people (most recently this weekend) have independently told me I’m clearly on the spectrum (all in the burner scene/commune members, but at different times – apparently, neurodivergence is wildly overrepresented in the circles I now run in).
I don’t need to be told I’m not broken. I’ve been surviving for 47 years with minor excursions, I’ve been married twice and had a career for two decades, and I don’t have a particular issue making friends if someone specific seems interesting. Do I have a strong distrust for authority and systems I don’t have direct control over? Sure. But no small part of that is decades of life experience with systems and authority failing to uphold their end of the bargain (“work hard, and you’ll get ahead”) while I’m nonetheless expected to expend time and money for no discernible benefit.
What I’m looking for is an overview geared toward the curious, not some sort of cheerleader who thinks I can’t use my words.
Just to be abundantly clear, I’m soliciting links to resources that would avoid these issues.
I have a visceral reaction to such terms because they’re used with pride by content creators. So if I don’t? I’m not being understanding or welcoming; I am the enemy. Do I have repetitive habits? A few … if I’m packing cigarettes, it’s 9 or 13 times. Not for any reason, just muscle memory; not a compulsion. I’m pretty sure just about anyone has done something while waiting, annoyed or bored like twirling a pencil or tapping a foot. I still rub the ears of my stuffed Snoopy while falling asleep, and sometimes subconsciously during the day.
My irritation is this seeming excitement ready to call that all “stimming” and wanting to talk about how they “stim.” It’s reductionist and brings a whole bunch of ordinary behaviour under the umbrella of an in-group term. Not a great look for those of us who aren’t like that – and it makes the visible face look pretty fucking juvenile.
Because apparently I’m the first adult to have it pointed out that I’m neurodivergent. These videos are somehow a meta insult. “Here’s what’s wrong with you that you don’t fit into society. Now, here’s what wrong with you that you don’t conform to our words. Act like one of us or fuck off.”
I’m just going to be blunt: these videos aren’t for you. Just stop watching them, there are more clinical options if that’s your preference.
Late diagnosis is such a fucking trip. I’m still going through the processing of the professional diagnosis one year later, and currently I’m watching my husband going through the ADHD-meds-unleashed-the-autism like 3 years after I went through it. Two anecdotes make a trend, right? So I’m going to do some projecting.
No one ever really told me I was weird, at least not in a way I understood. (My therapist laughed when I said I wasn’t bullied, if that’s any context). I always knew I was weird, but I had no idea how much about myself I had changed to fit in. I still haven’t really read my full diagnosis report but imagine being told, in medical documentation, that you sit weird. At 40.
Like you, I’m pretty text book successful. I’m married, I have a successful professional career, I’ve written text book chapters in my field (no, it’s not paid lol), etc. If no one has clued me in on my weird sitting, what the fuck else did I miss? Am I actually horrible and no one has lost their temper yet so their hints are too subtle for me to pick up on?
So I start the stages of grief. I’m probably in bargaining or depression rn. Denial was hard because I truly hate being autistic. I don’t hate my autistic traits, I hate that it’s pathologized.
Unmasking all the things I didn’t know I was masking fucking sucks. I don’t have the terminology to explain to people. People make a lot of assumptions and I’m too exhausted to try and set the record straight.
Whether you believe that I’m full of shit about the journey of exploring autism as an older person or not, I do want to point out that some people, especially current or recent youths, remember being pressured (directly) to hide their autistic traits. These videos are to help undo the learned shame and signal that it is safe to be themselves and to encourage people to be themselves.
When I say it’s not about you I mean that very literally. They aren’t saying you don’t belong. They are trying to create an environment where these things are normalized so people who do have been shamed and excluded for their “normal” behavior can just exist in peace for a few minutes.
“Autism is a spectrum” isn’t necessarily about severity, but also in expression. Sensory sensitivity is pretty well known, low sensory environments exist in some public places. But sensory seeking is also a thing! I’m more on that side for example.
Anyways, don’t over think it. Find content that is easier to use and move on. Good luck.
Everyone has trouble doing a thing sometimes.
That event is vastly more frequent for people with ADHD.
Everyone taps a foot or twirls a pencil sometimes. People with autism tend to do so far more often, and in many cases it is relevant to their mental health.
If something doesn’t apply to you, it doesn’t apply, there’s no call to be this upset about it.
And there it is, stated directly:
Might as well say “you suck at being neurodivergent and are doing it wrong. Go away and leave us to brag about stimming.”
My sibling in tools.
If you do not like it, you do not need to do it. Entities talking about liking it is not an attack on you. Not stimming does not make you not neurodivergent. It is fine, stim or not as satisfies your values.
I’m not sure the extent of your experience with the sort of “sources” I ran into searching specifically for “midlife diagnosis.” Another user has pointed out the same sort of disjoint, so perhaps I’m being unclear.
These videos very strongly imply (stopping just sort of demanding) an affinity to all manner of behaviours as prerequisites for being allowed in the room to hear the conversation. The essential conclusion is “if hearing this doesn’t make you feel better and understand yourself more, you are neurotypical and invading our space.”
So I’m looked at oddly by society for not just accepting lies regardless of lived experience, and doing research on neurodiversity lands me as not being sufficiently neurodivergent and therefore not part of the community.
Schroedinger’s neurodivergence. Of course that’s going to piss me off more than just being attacked on a single front, so considering that reaction to be uncalled for strikes me as the sort of thing I get from “normal” people by the very people claiming that they can help me understand myself.
I don’t know who said this to you, but I don’t think it was anyone in this thread, was it? You can use whatever terms you want. It just happens that “stimming” exactly describes the behavior.
This wouldn’t be stimming, then. Stimming is more of a compulsion than just repetition. It helps someone feel more comfortable, especially when feeling sensory overload. A common type of stim I’ve seen is “shaking maracas” (as we call it, or shaking your hands). This isn’t a typical habit, but rather a necessity to relieve discomfort or anxiety.
I’m confused by this. For what it’s worth, I was diagnosed literally last month, and I’m an adult. I was pointing out that a lot of autism material is directed toward working with and diagnosing children because diagnosis of adults is a much more recent thing.
I can’t speak for the videos themselves because I don’t know what videos you were watching. If they were toxic or unhelpful, then try some other resources. It’s not supposed to be some fancy “club” or in-group or whatever. If someone’s acting like it is, then they’re not worth your time to listen to.
My frustration is that this was the best I could find in about four hours. It’s all people who have ASD or are social workers, and the intent is not to inform, but rather to coddle. I get that’s necessary for many people, but having it to the exclusion of all else (save for a couple of lectures that do not provide overviews) served up by The Algorithm is doing a grave disservice to everyone else.
The basic feeling I get is “if you don’t like the terminology, something is wrong with you.” So the target demo performs neurodiversity correctly, whereas I emphatically do it wrong and don’t belong in the community.
There’s no situation in which that’s an encouraging starting point for better understanding.