Awful. Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and the usual shit that comes with working retail during the holidays. I’m never home anymore. I’m always at work. I’m always trying to fill orders with equipment that doesn’t work, in back rooms stuffed so full of pallets I can’t reach the product I need, with deadlines I can’t hit.

After I walked away from my friend group I stayed in touch with my best friend, and things were nice and it was a breath of fresh air at first, but now we fight all the time. He keeps going “I can’t keep doing this”, but I don’t know what he wants me to do. I feel like he engineers these impossible conversations where anything I could possibly say turns out to be wrong. If I point out that he’s contradicting himself, he gets upset because I know he has memory issues so I shouldn’t expect him to know what he told me last time. But he’s still allowed to get mad at me for doing what he asked…

He kept saying things about me that straight up weren’t true, not subjective, and didn’t acknowledge it when I told him he was wrong. I’m pretty sure I caught him trying to gaslight me right after I thought we made up.

I loathe everyone I know at this point. I know I need to give up on friends, but that just leaves me with my family, a bunch of homophobic leeches. My fucking father asked me for a DNA test on Thanksgiving. He could have asked decades ago, but he only decided now because he’s running out of excuses to fight with mom. All anyone ever wants to do is fight and tear other people down.

I need to learn how to stop feeling lonely without turning to other people. All they do is upset me.

I have too much on at the moment but there isn’t a stop button to get off this wild ride, so just trying to get through it. I have some stuff to do for a mates website, bags to fix for work, quotes to sort for toy library, and then a big personal project I want to get going in the new year. There just isn’t enough time in a day to get everything done

Long update ._.

I got the internship offer! ✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧ One step towards my dream career! I haven’t processed it yet. I haven’t processed any festive vibes, either.

I blame this lack of processing on the semester being a train wreck. Last school year was like a bus hit me. This year…train.

Drama! ಥ_ಥ Burnout! ( ꒦ິ◡꒦ີ) Homework hell! ತ_ತ Long class hours! (☍◡⁰) No money or work! ¯_(ツ)_/¯

As always, whenever I reminisce on my growth (pains), there’s a heavy amount of regret and gratitude for those grueling moments. I can’t believe this period of my life is almost over. And now I’m moving on to the next phase of my life, building my career.

It’s funny… A few years back, I would never have thought I’d make it this far. I didn’t think I had a future. I couldn’t imagine one. And yet I made a choice to go to uni— and everything slowly but surely began to change in my life for the better. Just because I kept… trying to make better choices for myself once I found a safer environment to be in.

I mean it was hard. Becoming a board officer for a volunteering club, getting into my program, reviving another club and becoming president, working when I could, finding my own projects outside of the program to work on… In these moments where I often felt like I was dying, it looks like I was actually living lol. Does that make sense?

(Anyways, enough with the sentimental stuff. Though it’s warm and fuzzy.)

My winter break doesn’t seem like much of a break, so I’m somewhat concerned.

• the student union implemented a new funding process in which all clubs need to know their funding needs throughout the entirety of next semester. They told us this just a few days ago. Do they seriously expect us to plan out each event and to properly predict things far in advance? And during school break? Honestly, they probably spent all their funding this semester .-. but this…is not a smart solution.
• I’ll be studying html/css for my internship as a just in case. It’s a very interdisciplinary job (which I love ⌯’▾’⌯). But it’s mainly about using Figma and prototyping.
• gotta catch up on my Figma learning and practice making UI components!
• need to work with a developer on a website redesign for a nonprofit!
• will be working on an MFA full res and low res ad campaign.

But… There should be room to have fun in all that, right? ( ᵒ ᵕ ᵒ ) I wanna hang out with a friend and good god I need a break.

I started a bike fabrication company with my friend. We’re about to move into our new shop space. No idea if this is going to work out but we both agree that we’d rather fail than wonder if we could’ve pulled it off.

Far to much happening like every December, though not much worth writing about.

Most noteworthy accomplishment so far: when we drop small stuff to the floor in the kitchen, we can now yell HOUSEKEEPING and our dogs will come and clean it up. There’s no way this is not the greatest dog trick ever.

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Prerty good, I just got to update my EV preorder with color choice and drivetrain options. The top trim level is at the price the initial announcement I pre-ordered at said! They added less expensive options instead of pulling shenanigans with the advetised price being the most basic base model possible with no range and all the incentives ever stacked on top.

Life keeps happening and it feels so fast.

Went to another queer party, this time it was at an arcade with board games. A friend I made at an earlier queer party showed up with another friend and I got to hang out with them. She had two of my favourite things and since I have an all or nothing style of impulse control, I had a hard time saying no to mdma and mushrooms. I definitely had a great time.

For a brief moment when I was talking to someone else, I was made aware of the fact that I’m a not so queer person in a queer space. After a few questions from her, she came to understand how and why I ended up in such a space. She was understanding and accepting which was nice and she opened up a bit about herself too after finding out I was just there to meet new people and make friends.

That night I also got to share a local project idea I’m working on and I was quite surprised with the reactions. My friend asked me one question to confirm what my idea as a whole was before offering to help in any way she can. The other person I was talking to just said “do it” after reading only a part of my idea, it appears she’s doing similar work to what I want to do. I’m not used to people being so quick to support an idea of mine without negative perspectives, doubts or fears from their personal insecurities that aren’t related to my idea. It was a bit scary but it felt really nice too. I’m meeting up with my friend again this week to talk about it again and she seems very eager to know more which is quite exciting :)

With all the experiences I’ve had since 2020, it feels like the few people I can make honest friendships with are queer women, autistic women or queer autistic women. I’m trying not to question it too much because it makes very little sense to me but I’m rolling with it anyways. They are some of the few people who seem to simply accept me as who I am without question and I absolutely appreciate that. I enjoy being able to be myself without the unnecessary judgement from the labels that most people seem to apply to me before they ever get to know me.

Life is strange. Wish it would slow down just a bit but that’s not what the future has planned.

Pretty good. I set my Monero node up as a tor hidden service so i dont have to deal with dynamic DNS

I’ve definitely had a kinda emotional week (in a good way). My dad that I thought would never speak to me again sat down and wanted to just ask questions and talk with me, which was weird since all he’s ever done was yell at me and put me down since I was a kid, but this felt like an actual, normal conversation, for once. Basically I’m pretty sure he’s just finally accepted me, and that feels pretty nice.

I also finally finished setting up the replacement PC for the one that died a month ago; Gotta say I’m surprised with how easy it is to just run games on Linux now. Things just work.

And I learned over the last weekend that a whole bunch of people on my mom’s side of the family are super supportive, which I really wasn’t expecting!

(Also thanks for reminding me I need to take more time to just sit down, relax and read)

I’m finishing up the year, and about to start what is essentially my final year of school. Planning my schedule, getting in gear to apply for the residency match (first job/otj training after you finish medical school). I am doing a lot of bouncing between excited and nervous, so I’m doing a lot of work trying to be mindful and in touch with my mood, as stressful as the holidays already are.

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