So, I’m going to be the best man in my friend’s wedding. I’m very flattered to have the honor. He’s one of my closest friends, and I have no problem supporting him as his best man/best trans.
Furthermore, I’m out to him, and he has made it clear that he wants me to show up in whatever way makes me the most comfortable. I’ve picked out a dress, started taking voice lessons, and plan on getting my hair and makeup done professionally.
I don’t feel dysphoric at all about filling a traditionally male role, but…
How the fuck do I write a speech? A lot of best men seem to give speeches that joke about their ‘bromance’ with the groom and all that, which I find to be wholly inappropriate in my scenario.
My first thought was poking fun at picking a woman for best man, but some of his family are transphobic and I don’t want to rely on gender humor out of fear that they stew in their transphobia and say something to ruin his wedding. Then I thought maybe I could crack a joke or two about being trans - but I also don’t want to lean into the self-deprecation so much that I validate anyone’s transphobia.
So, how do I even approach this?
I was thinking I could open with, “When the groom asked me to be his best man, I said, ‘sit down, there’s something you should know.’”
Maybe I’m overthinking it, but this is a friend who has been there for me in the past. I want to fill my role in his wedding perfectly. Any advice is welcome and appreciated.
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The speech should be about what you admire about your friend, and his partner. I wouldn’t even mention you being trans unless that’s a large part of your friendship.
Introduce yourself, tell a fun story that highlights what a great guy he is, explain how the couple is perfect for each other, and invite everyone to have a wonderful time.
Echoing the suggestions from others, don’t mention being trans or strangeness at being best (wo)man. You don’t need to explain yourself or anything, just talk about your friendship with the groom, the happiness you’ve seen in the couple, talk about things they share that make them such a strong couple, and if you wanna bring some humour you can always share a story that might (lightly!) embarrass the groom but that you can use to maybe highlight a positive quality he has or talk about how he’s grown since then.
Your role there is to give the guests some insight from a close friend into the couple’s relationship and how special it is, and to help the newlyweds feel the strength of their relationship as they solidify it with their marriage. You can talk about yourself if it genuinely comes up in what you want to say, of course, but only if it’s something that’s ultimately more about the couple.
Understood, thanks for laying it out so clearly!
If you can’t find a way to do humor you could just be genuine and sincere.
Genuine sincerity is the large majority of what I have planned for the speech. However, he and the bride are already a little bit in defense mode, as their families include some transphobes.
It may not end up being the right call once I draft and edit the speech, but I’d like to try to do something to lighten the mood.
The speech aspect of this is really interesting.
My first instinct would be “don’t make this about me.” Think about what you would say about him, how you met, adventures and escapades you’ve gotten into and out of, and how you’ve grown from who you were when you met into the unique and interesting people you are now.
I think that’s a sly way to talk about it without making the whole speech about it.
This is excellent advice, because I definitely don’t want to make it about me. I realize how the wording of my post kinda implies that I do.
I suppose that I feel, given the circumstance, that I have to acknowledge it in some way. I think I’m just nervous about showing up in a traditionally male role, as a trans woman, in front of a bunch of rednecks, frankly.
Thank you for the words of wisdom!
Don’t acknowledge it at all, you dont owe the guests any explanation about yourself. Just focus on the couple and let anyone who wonders about your gender presentation puzzle it out on their own time.
I’ve given two of these after having been asked to do so during the reception (twice!). So here’s some advice from an ad-libber, no bromance required:
Tell a story about you and your friend. Maybe it’s how you met, or an event that showed you that they were the kind of person you’d do this sort of thing for - either way, say something about this characteristic of your friend will help support their relationship with their partner. Try to fit in a joke about an annoying aspect of this positive trait that friends or family might have made in the past.
If you know the spouse well enough, tell a short story about them and why they’re a good partner for your friend. Drop a joke about how they’ll (finally) be the sensible one who will reign in the annoying aspect you joked about earlier.
Say something about how great they are as a team, and express a hope you have for the two of them as they start this new aspect of their lives. Tie it back to how they deserve great things because of the things you said earlier. If you wouldn’t be the person standing there giving that speech without your friend, say so - regardless of whether you decide to speak about being trans during this speech or not.
Remember that laughter is what happens when expectations are subverted in a surprising way, that everyone loves a good callback, and that groupings of three are more impactful, and you’ll do great.
The speech is a chance to say everything you want to say, as long as it comes from the heart and celebrates their marriage, you’ll do fine.
IMHO it’s totally fine to joke about yourself, as long as you aren’t generalising there’s nothing anyone can say. Transitioning is your story, and you get to tell it how you want.
