Wish me luck! I’m about 10bpm away from a heart attack 😭

Edit: After removing my hoodie and revealing my top, my mother gave me the dirtiest look I’ve ever received from her. She complimented my jorts and belt, that was it. This sent me into a really bad dysphoric spiral. Grandma keeps misgendering me. Everyone treating me like a person feels forced. Currently crying in the bathroom. I want to die

Edit2: Mom was talking to me, asking me why I was sad. I told her, that I could never really afford the surgeries I need to pass, truly pass. She said how people get those and look funny in their 50s. She doesn’t even understand what FFS is. She told me I was a normal, pretty, young girl which should have made me feel better, but just felt forced and fake.
She told me that most trans people have 0 family support while I have full support, which is true. I just sit and whine while others have it way worse. I’m such a shitty person.
She told me I have all day every day to focus on myself, so I should get a job and distract myself. Not like I haven’t been trying. With my anxiety, even going to the store is a challenge. Leaving the house is a challenge. I don’t know how I’d manage a job.
All in all, today sucked extremely. I’m crying in the bathroom, again, but this time I cut my arm with a pair of scissors. I hate myself. I’m leaving the party now, and I’ll probably just end it when I get back. I’m such a useless existence. I want out of this world. Sorry everyone, for everything.

  • Linda R ( Lehmuusa@nord.pub ) English
    18·
    2 months ago

    I’m super envious for your style! (And body, you’re lucky with that one!)

    And it feels horrible what you now tell your relatives have done with you. It’s entirely unfounded. What did your cousin think of your style?

  • some_guy ( some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org ) English
    15·
    2 months ago

    Kick some ass, Queen!

    And then I saw a comment and went to read yours… Fuck 'em. It’ll hurt, but you don’t need people who don’t accept you. Some dumbass on the internet (me) accepts you and you can find people IRL who do as well. I promise.

  • applebusch (she/her) ( applebusch@lemmy.blahaj.zone ) English
    14·
    2 months ago

    hey girl i see you. im really sorry they treated you that way 🫂 seriously family is the hardest to be yourself in front of. you did such a good job. showing up as yourself in front of the people who can hurt you the most takes a lot of guts and you did it. it didnt go well this time and thats ok. its not because you did anything wrong, or because you didnt look fem enough. seriously your outfit looks so cute, they just arent used to seeing you that way and being confronted with such a huge change in someone they thought they knew. thats not your fault its theirs.

    if i can offer a tiny bit of advice, id recommend trying to find some queer community near you. it helps sooo much being able to be around people who will accept your identity without question, especially other trans people. your feelings are so valid and common for us. having other trans people in your life would give you people to talk to who truly get it and can help you through it. not that you should stop coming here we’d miss you ;) but we sadly cant physically hug you and tell you what a good job you did.

    just to validate you a little more your outfit looks very cute. its still so early in your transition and youre doing a great job dressing fem. things will only get better from here 🫂

  • Brooke (she/her) ( brookedSmile@lemmy.blahaj.zone ) English
    13·
    2 months ago

    She told me that most trans people have 0 family support while I have full support, which is true. I just sit and whine while others have it way worse.

    Thats gross, same thinking as “well i dont beat you the way my parents beat me” or “some kids dont even have clothes to wear, be happy with your 8 yr old outfits”

    Like yeah sure, maybe lots of trans people have 0 family (thats me) DOES NOT MEAN your feelings are any less real or valid.

    It sucks cause it sounds like your mom is supportive in the best way she knows how. But still you can have these feelings and you should be able to express them.

    Its like my therapist says, intent vs impact. People far too often focus on the intent of what theyre saying to others but rarely think about the impact of saying it. I can tell you that impact is more important, regardless of someones intent. If im making any sense lol

    Youre so so pretty btw, dont let them get you too down sis. Youre amazing and beautiful the way you are, no matter what ❤️

  • Azalea ( azalea_flower@lemmy.blahaj.zone ) English
    8·
    2 months ago

    Hey please don’t hurt yourself!

    Don’t minimise yourself, just because other people have it worse doesn’t mean you can’t feel bad! As others have said you should probably get some community to help you. We care, but unfortunately we can’t really be physically there for you. I’m not very good at this but I can listen if you want.

  • Hupf ( Hupf@feddit.org ) English
    7·
    2 months ago

    You’re not on an easy path, but you’re on it, you still went and took the challenge, bravo!

    People can have a hard time accepting change or changing their own preconceptions, but some will come around eventually.

    I hope you’re pulling through this one. Looks help, but they aren’t what makes you you. Be who you are, wear what feels good and have a chat or twelve with the people who are supportive. The rest will come automatically at some point.

  • boobookittyfrick ( boobookittyfrick@lemmy.zip ) English
    4·
    2 months ago

    Sounds like you don’t have full support to me and you know it. My family is toxic as hell and if I had the option I’d never see them again. Hope you figure out what you want and go for it as long as you have the opportunity.