I know, and yes, it’s as insane as it sounds.

I’m like 90% sure my mum is either consciously or subconsciously employing what is essentially small-scale fascist thought to my partner and I’s relationship.

Me and my partner, who I will refer to as Jane for this post, started a little over two years ago now, we are engaged. 2 years may be a little quick for an engagement, but we both feel it’s right, and we’ve been very secure since day 1.

During that time, I have come out to my mum as bisexual (though I am omni, she understands bi, and it serves it’s purpose), I have also come out as non-binary, started my medical transition, and adopted a preferred name for day-to-day usage which both my mum and Jane refer to me by… Mostly.

Jane has fully adopted my preferred name, and is otherwise just incredibly supportive and affirming, and even recently had a moment where <deadname> and me today were two separate people to them, though my mum still deadnames me to people who don’t know about any of my identity stuff, and also our dog, with the argument that our dog “knows who <deadname> is”… Anyway, going off-topic.

My mum was fine with my sexuality, as she is in a homosexual relationship herself, but the gender identity stuff she isn’t too on-board with.

Some time ago, out-of-the-blue, she implied that Jane was convincing me / brainwashing me into being bisexual, non-binary, and trans-femme, as she knows that Jane has had other female partners in the past… None of Jane’s female partners ever really went anywhere mind you, but she had them nonetheless.

When I confronted my mum about her implication, she responded with, “It’s all just a bit of a coincidence don’t you think?”

I believe my mum thinks that Jane is actually fully lesbian, and thus is manipulating me to be someone who she wants… The irony will ensue in just a moment.

I’ve been on HRT for 3 months now, and have taken other steps aside from medication to present more feminine/androgynous. Being 3 months in hasn’t changed an awful lot, but there are subtleties that I think my mum is now picking up on, and she’s realising that this is real, and is happening, as recently (past week) her attempts to dissuade me have grown stronger.

My mum came into my room last night unprompted, and asked me if I was sure Jane was right for me.

Naturally, I was quite taken aback at such a heavy-handed and… quite personal challenge, and so let her know that she, nor anyone, has a right to ask that question to anyone.

Jane has a very dysfunctional family of her own, with an overworked mum, a drunk stepfather, and just a, by all definitions of the word, malicious and entitled grandmother. So when Jane stays over at mine (mine being my parent’s and I’s as I live with them), she does quite like to just relax and chill the fuck out, and I’m happy for her to do so. We keep ourselves to ourselves in my room and are quite good at not becoming a bother, we cook, clean, for ourselves, etc.

After I refused my mum’s question towards the suitability of Jane, she launched a volley of attacks towards Jane, calling her “lazy” (she works full-time on-top of keeping her family from blowing-up), saying that I’m constantly running around after her and making accommodations for her, and that specifically Jane alone treats our house like a “doss-house”.

I promptly told her to get out as I’m not going to let anyone stand there and speak about Jane in that way; to which she first refused, continued her verbal assault, and when it was clear that I wasn’t listening at all, finally submitted to leaving my room while tutting my telling her to get-out.

It’s been roughly 72 hours since that event, during which time I have been deliberating over why my mum would do that… Which I believe comes back to her belief that Jane is manipulating me. Furthermore, she has attempted reconciliation, with her usual tactic of, again, coming into room, all upset and low, and asking for a hug. I declined her the hug and told her she needed to apologise for what she said about Jane and for her overstepping; she walked out on me as I said this.

My mum also said that I looked “much happier, more confident” 2 years ago, prior to starting mine and Jane’s relationship.

So altogether, I believe my mum is uncomfortable/against me transitioning, using a preferred name, and wholly having a non-conforming identity, has convinced herself that I was happier before I started coming out about any of this, and has pinned all of it on Jane… This is fascist patterns of taking a set of problems and pinning them on one or a group of easily identifiable individuals, then attempting to ostracize said individuals (i.e. convincing me to breakup with Jane).

I’m worried for the future, living with my mum, as her prior attempts to stop or delay my transition have failed (her demanding of a “diagnosis”, three-way meeting with a psychiatrist, and confiscation of property) and now she realises that she’s lost, I suspect she will become more volatile and go more scorched-earth to try and stop me.

Jane and I have plans to live together, but without significant alterations, those won’t come to fruition for at least 2.5 years.

Apologies if this is a little disconnected in places, I’m just trying to brain-dump out there, mostly to vent to be honest, but if anyone has anything they’d like to contribute, perhaps I’m in the wrong? Feel free, I’d really appreciate it.

Thank you for your time. X