It’s still here, with me. It always will be. Even tho the drugs dull the pain considerably, under all of it, the envy will always be there. Seeing other girlies, beautiful and happy, feminine and pretty, it gives me so much gender envy…

I don’t even have a right to complain. I didn’t start that late, compared to the average. Still, I’m incapable of just “living with it”. In my mind, it’s way too late anyway.

And it’s all my fault in any case. I’m sabotaging my own transition and then bitching about it. I vape, a lot and then complain that my boobs are small. I take so much kratom and then complain that my body isn’t changing. I neither eat enough nor exercise, I don’t try to voice train or do makeup, I rarely wear feminine clothing at all, even tho I enjoy those things greatly. It’s all my fault…

You could say I’m early in the process. 8 months is early, right? But, a year on HRT is four months away. I highly doubt that much will change in four months. And the slow progress is my fault anyway, so why am I even complaining…

It’s nobody’s fault but mine. It’s nobody’s fault that I’m so easily triggered. I’m the problem here. I’m the problem here, complaining all the time, taking space away from people who actually try. Who try to live healthy and take care of their mental health, who exercise and don’t do drugs. People who put effort into their transition, unlike me. I just sit on my ass, take HRT and expect to look somewhat like a girl. The time when HRT alone would make me pass is long gone anyway…

I suck. So fucking much. I’m just a burden to this world anyway. I hate myself and “fix” it with drugs. Like a dumbass. Cause that’s what I am. A masculine, ugly, stupid dumbass. Like I could ever have been anything else…

I wish everyone the best in their journey. Just ignore me please. Ignore this vent into the void. I have nothing of value to bring to this place anyway. I have no value at all…

And if that person is reading this…don’t call the cops on me again. I’m not strong enough to do it. I can’t hurt myself. The only thing you accomplish by calling the police is wasting their precious time on a useless existence such as myself. They called an ambulance the last time. I wasted doctors’ time, me, the most useless person ever. Fuck this…

  • nikki ( Nikki@lemmy.blahaj.zone ) English
    7·
    4 days ago

    first of all, hugs your way 🫂

    hrt is a marathon hun, our breasts are pretty similar in size from what I can tell, I’m almost a year in and youre 8 months. the effects dont start to taper off until like 3-4 years in

    make sure to keep some perspective in mind. a lot of the things you and I dislike about ourselves are just things cis women deal with all the time. picking out the most attractive women and judging yourself compared to them will always tear you down. not to mention that you dont know what they dislike about themselves too, everyone has their struggles.

    i dont like my nose, I don’t like my thick eyebrows, I don’t like my stubble or my shoulders. i VERY MUCH dont like my voice. all these things arent exclusive to me, and aren’t exclusive to trans folks. i look past all this because I know that nobody really cares, and if they do care they’re a jerk and should just fuck off anyway!

    hang in there girl, were in this together

  • Bryllyg ( Bryllyg@quokk.au ) English
    7·
    4 days ago

    Honey you gotta give yourself a break. You are putting waaaay too much pressure on yourself.

    I’ve been on HRT 2 years. These babies take a while to grow. Puberty is a long long process. I know it’s hard. I hope you can find some peace soon.

    Loving oneself is so key, and trust me it took me a really long time to get there. One step at a time. One day at a time. You can do it but it takes a good support system. And that can take a while to build. Finding the right therapist to talk to is so huge.

    I know about drugs. I used heavily for over 3 decades. I tried Narcotics Anonymous for a few years. It helped a little. Some folks it helps a lot. It’s hard to kick that shit. I get that.

    Maybe try forming 1 good habit at a time, and pick one thing you are doing now that you want to change. You can do this.

    I know you want to keep going because you keep reaching out. You are stronger than you realize.

    Keep fighting, we’ll be here with you.

  • Entertainmeonly (she/her) ( Entertainmeonly@lemmy.blahaj.zone ) English
    4·
    4 days ago

    First off be nicer to my friend or I’ll come and hug you so hard you’ll feel cherished. Second, so much will continue to change in the next three years. 8 months is for real so early. I didn’t even get my girl nips until like 2.5 years in. We all go at our own pace but believe me when i say there is still so much to look forward to. I thought for sure I’d never wear makeup. Now i won’t go out in public without a little eyeliner and mascara. Took me three years before i wore my first dress in public. This year i walked in the pride parade in a trans bikini. This is a long journey and sometimes it seems like we are standing still. I promise you those baby steps add up.

    Also, i really hope you can get the kratom under control. I’ve seen a few friends battling with it.

  • NotAHondaAccord ( NotAHondaAccord@lemmy.blahaj.zone ) English
    3·
    4 days ago

    I dont have any better answers than what other people already shared here but you’re not alone girl <3

    you are not useless and you are not a burden, you deserve to exist no matter what form that existence is. Because at the end of the day we’re all just meat sacks on some fuck ass backwater floating rock, trying to project some meaning onto the leftover corpse of a star. So go take care of your bf, get some good love and affection, and take a cuddle nap. It’ll be alright.