Apologies for the uncharacteristic post, I usually keep these things to myself, but whatever it is compels me to write, so here I am writing. And getting progressively loopy as-typical for this time.
Today certainly happened. I would not even really say it was particularly bad in itself. But I cannot help but to reflect on the burdens I am carrying and the fact that there is no reprieve from them other than the alchemy that keeps me from melting.
Though my love and trust has ultimately stabbed my heart and back every time extended, hooray for constantly-affirming Anthropophobia, I nonetheless continue to choose to love. I choose to care. I choose to give a damn. But it gets so hard to constantly have to choose what others seem to just be able to do. When I have said that I love you all, I mean that in truth. I have only been here for a short time, but I nonetheless want your happiness and joy to abound. And I want to help and so I try, mixed results between advice, solidarity and bad jokes, but still.
As it stands, I am alone in my day-to-day. Even when around others, while I try to remain cheerful and positive in the face of everything I try to shoulder to keep them from having to, I feel alone.
Then there is disassociation of not even recognizing myself the originator of things once done and written, seeing a stranger who once bore a version of myself, distant or present in the now. I help with Medical, I recall a noteworthy incident but cannot call to mind the me that wrote the documentation, or the full me who had to treat an incident.
I am able to recall beginning this post, though at present my entire world basically starts and ends with this post. Not literally, but that which came before is hazy, and thereafter will likely be a swift trip to sleepville from the medicine.
I do not really know my point with the post. I guess it is just to put something in the ether before the sleeptrain demands my ticket,
If anyone has a music suggestion I would love to listen to them sometime.
Thank you all for being you, I love you.
meow I offer hugs :3
if needs be, hugs may help (づ ◕‿◕ )づ
Huggles~!
Y’all deserve hugs whenever it is needed or even simply asked for ^^
i see you 🫂
Thankies dearie. <3
Ive felt lonely a lot in my life, even with friends, so i relate a lot.
And here is that song:
When i was questioning i would listen to “am I a girl”, by poppy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uK5lcI60xyM&%3Blist=RDuK5lcI60xyM&%3Bstart_radio=1
It isnt actually about being mtf at all ironically. I interpret to be about poppy’s frustration with gender conformance, which is something I relate to deeply. i’ve noticed a few people look at my pink nails as if im an alien (some guy even commented on it on it in a negative way). If the world was less gender conformist, it would make my/our transition so much easier.
She has some other good songs/albums so check those out too.
Thankies for the song suggestion! Definitely going to give a listen.
And yeah, the extremely recent and very societally-oriented view of “what makes a [blank],” would be laughable if not for the harm it causes on the daily.
Gender-conformance is all about being a puppet to the invisible hand of society that could not care less but acts as though it does. It would blow the minds of many Cultists to learn that outside of their microcosms, other cultures(including ones they subjugated) have since the dawn of their societies recognized plurality(the oldest written records of Japan for instance, and especially 稲荷大神 , having no firmness of the “gender,” of many Kami-Sama, 稲荷大神 having been portrayed across the spectrum).
Also, for what it is worth: Pink is pretty, rock the pretty nails and the haters can stuff it.
and yeah pink is cool as hell! tbh tho with the reactions i’ve been getting, i’ve been surprised anyone even cares. Honestly forgot it was controversial for a masculine looking person to do that lol. I forget about these things since im mainly only socialise with my neurodivergent/queer friends.
yeah agreed!
I should also say the song is very much non-binary coded, so it can be read/listened that way aswell.
Dissociation, unmoored from any sense of time or place, a stranger to yourself and to others in your life… I know the feeling well. You’re not alone in this experience, and I hope that the solidarity amongst everyone in this thread helps ground you.
Answer by Bump of Chicken is a good song to listen to when you’re going through this, especially with the English lyrics provided in the video. It’s sung in a way that’s soothing but invigorating. The lyrics talk about finding one’s reason for living, but they never actually say what the answer is. Instead, it focuses on the journey, on the feelings, on all the twists and turns it takes to get to each person’s unique answer. It really speaks to me, and I hope it will for you as well.
Much love, friend. Now and always.
“I will never lose my way again- not again!”
A lot of the lyrics hit home, but this is one that definitely strikes me quite directly. Even in my sadgirl hours, even when darkness wants to come in, I know my way forward, and I know the way, and similarly I refuse to lose the way I know to the one in the Mind Mirror.
Thankies for the recommendation, and love you too dearie. <3.
Happy to hear that this lyric invigorates you to keep going down the path you know is right for you. Thank you for sharing that cute video! May your Mind Mirror always reflect in the path you follow <3
though at present my entire world basically starts and ends with this post.
Me too. I’m like the mirror negative of all the rest of this, though. I’m left wing because of my hatred of the world as it currently is and much of its humans.
Hatred of the world and jadedness towards humans is a fair position to have–It is rather easy to feel that way given everything we see on the daily, and Raven is quite filled with that same valid hatred. But at least on my end, I feel as though that hatred of the world and the shittiness of humanity-at-large is the reason we must fight for the good of the fellow proletariats around us in our respective microcosms, directing that hatred towards “the Nazis…taking over the board rooms.”
It isn’t Nazis in the board rooms, it’s my fellow proletariat who are Nazis. The bourgeoisie rarely actually believe in fascism. Fascism is just the result of them causing economic crises.
It is the working class that they rely on to kill and oppress themselves for treats or sometimes only satisfaction. Let’s be honest, most of the people you will have to kill in a revolution to even get to the corporate executives are the proletarians around you who have decided they’d rather have the freedom to abuse minorities than have freedom.
In a country like the U.S, the proletariat is so divided by racism and patriarchy, and queerphobia, and bought off by imperialism that there’s just no way for them to ever achieve a socialist revolution under current conditions.
I concede your point that many of the fellow proletariats are the very one’s with whom there should be solidarity but instead have given themselves up to the disgusting machinations, but I would not concede that “the bourgeoisie rarely actually believe in Fascism.” Far as I personally understand and see on the daily, their dream of a master race and dream of authoritarian control rests in their manipulation of the working class as you mentioned to duke it out with each other while the pigs stay safe in their towers.
As an aside, I hold to a very anti-violence form of Communism, which disapproves of a Vanguard Party and of the violence that the Fascists desire as to foster support and point to as “the crazy ones.” That HHS paper that was laughably moronic which sought to link support of human dignity and respect to Authoritarianism(ironic much) being one such example. Influence those which could stand together to instead destroy each other, and you maintain control.
I choose, personally, to try to change the hearts of the Proletariat in my own microcosms that they are able to have the strength and understanding to come together as one.
I rescind my comments about hatred, I was in a different mode yesterday, but it could be said that I was radicalized because of anger and then discovered scientific socialism which also affected my perspective of the world. Though, it’s not un-proletarian to feel hatred towards reactionaries.
the bourgeoisie rarely actually believe in Fascism.
Fascism is what they tell to working class people who are angry to save themselves from that anger, most of them know it’s a trick, rarely do they want to pull such emergency measures because fascism tends to hurt profits. Most bourgeois are liberals.
I hold to a very anti-violence form of Communism.
Then that’s a very utopian and unscientific form of communism. Violence is not good or bad, that’s idealism. Violence is used against the working in the form of wage-slavery, police, and imperialist militaries, you cannot abolish these things without revolutionary violence, it’s just not possible. Like Palestinians, for example, are absolutely justified in defending themselves from their eradication using violence, since begging Israeli colonizers would never work.
their dream of a master race and dream of authoritarian control rests in their manipulation of the working class
This is not entirely true, racism often emerges from higher waged racially privileged workers as a way of protecting their jobs against more easily exploitable racialized workers. It’s a myth that the white working class does not benefit from the ideology of white supremacy. They absolutely do have things to gain from maintaining it and that is what racism is so stabilizing for the capitalist system: if you give a portion of workers some stake in the system that allows them to benefit from the oppression of minorities, then they are far less likely to object to capitalist exploitation. A good example is in Rhodesia, where white workers unions organized against enslaved black people taking their jobs, not because they opposed colonialism, but because their higher paying jobs were being replaced by ultra-cheap black laborers. White settlers in Rhodesia, South Africa, basically everywhere, were in conflict with their bourgeoisie, but instead of wanting power, wanted their share of the profits of colonialism.
The same process turns men into reactionaries, capitalism maintains patriarchy, and they know that patriarchy benefits them by enslaving women to them, legally, emotionally, or in other ways.
Patriarchy and white supremacy aren’t lies, they really do materially benefit racists and misogynists and allows them to be petty rulers over minority groups. Some people legitimately prefer the ability to abuse other people over real liberation. It is too psychologically satisfying for them to give it up. Those types have to be terrorized by the minority groups they oppress for them to change their minds.
If you rely on working class white people and men and citizens of imperialist countries you will be disappointed. Their material interests align more with maintaining the systems of oppression that benefit them and fighting to abolish them would require actions that are too risky for them to undertake. Only the desperate cause change, they are the ones willing to sacrifice themselves to pave the way for progress, the rest are just following behind them and not actively causing change.
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