As usual, I went to the gym today without my pocket bra or breast forms. I prefer to shower right after working out, but I’m still too conscious about not passing to make the switch to the women’s changing room, so I was boymoding as usual. To be honest, it’s been making me depressed lately that I have to boymode like that so frequently during the week, but that’s a different can of worms.
Going back to today, after showering and then drying and reshaping my fem haircut (small win), I started driving home. It’s a route I’ve taken a billion times, so everything was nice and relaxed.
Until my mind went to the goddamn seatbelt across my chest.
My chest. Yes, the flat fucking plain of nothing. I’ve had these chest dysphoria episodes before, but usually in the morning after waking up when my mind has nowhere else to go until I kick myself out of bed. This time, I was way more than preoccupied, behind the wheel with cars ahead and in front of me. But did my brain care? No. It narrowed my focus entirely on my washboard of a torso, and before I knew it I was breathing funny and wanting to take my hands off the wheel and bring them to my chest. Why? To find my missing boobs? Hell if my desperate mind will ever let me know what was going on there.
I was lucky that it was late evening and so the roads weren’t too busy. And the route itself was pretty short. Long story short, I survived, and when I got home and finally put my bra + breast forms back on I breathed the biggest damn sigh of relief.
Lesson learned: dysphoria can and will seize you at the worst possible moments.
It’s great that you got home safely and reflected on it. That sounds super dangerous! You really need to find a way to about this in the future; be mentally prepared to pull over, take your bra + breast forms with you, have mental strategies, or whatever, but I’m not telling you anything new here.
When I felt odd on the road once, it helped me to mentally prepare myself: “what will I actually do if it gets worse? Hmm, pull over, I should pull over. Is there enough space? Yes. Also parking options nearby. What if I don’t feel I’m able to pull over? Just stop the car right here in the road, yes, that’s an option. Okay I’m prepared, feeling better now? There’s no need to rush, I can handle this.” Being transparent to other people on the car, if there’re any, somehow also helped. In your situation, maybe you can transform thoughts of dysphoria into anticipation: “I’m back home any moment, I can’t wait to …”
Maybe you can develop some self love for your body even before body development settles? You literally have a super power that allows you to shape shift, even if slowly! I appreciate that so much. Imagine watching a child drawing something and saying “Don’t get upset it’s not ‘perfect’ yet. You’re not a professional artist, and nobody expects that of you. Neither should you. For your level, you are doing well. Your drawings look cute, I appreciate them! Don’t just envy the ‘end goal’, enjoy the progress.” Now the same can be applied to transitioning.
I appreciate your concern for my safety! <3 It was pretty reckless of me to not have some sort of backup plan in case something like this happened. Keeping my breast forms in the car is such an easy solution that I’m slapping myself for not thinking about it. I guess I thought that since these drives had been “fine” for so long, I could just keep doing things this way, but that’s shortsighted :(
Developing self-love is something I really want to work on. Not just to prevent more incidents like this, but because I know it’ll be healthy for my mind for the long term since it’ll be a while before I get to where I want to be. On the bright side, starting HRT recently has made me feel less depressed and thinking “I’m trapped in this body” and more “I can’t wait for this stuff to change!” Just wish the random dysphoria would also start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel :')
Yes, that’s the spirit! You can do this, and (convince yourself to) enjoy every step along the way.
Solution may be personal, but what about Hulk strategy? “That’s my secret, I’m always dysphored”
I just happened to be thinking about that quote recently lol. Yeah that’s one way to look at things, and I think that’s what my mind is doing whenever I boymode. But like Bruce, sometimes the other guy just comes out uninvited and it sucks :(
Going path of trans, is not a magical wish for magic lamp and Genie, neither a button, magic potion, gender coffin of ds2…
it’s a long path, years of slow changes (as soft skin, good hairs there, bad hairs there, positive thinking, …), some bigger changes (like surgeries, going out for first time, revealing, exposing and many more)… focus on the goal.
Flat plain? more a field to work on. Soon. Soon™
I wish I could share my breast growth 𐔌՞. .՞𐦯
Aww, I would feel so bad about taking someone else’s growth :( I appreciate the sentiment, though! <3
Saaame. I’ve never had specific dysphoric feelings about my chest. Absolutely would share my growth with those who did, if it were possible.
