primscha

Went on a trip to see my adoptive grandparents. It’s a multigenerational household of them, their kids, and grandkids.

Thought I’d be in a for a bad time because I hated my hometown while growing up. If you weren’t a part of the in-group, welp. You’re done for lol. And the area is so small and limiting… But I came here for the people, and because I didn’t want anymore regrets with not being close to family.

Ended up being a lot cozier than I thought. I was reminded of the bits of my childhood that were good. I reconnected with people I never thought I’d see again. And although I still think the area sucks, I still adore the people I got to know while growing up here. c:

(Hmm that sounds like a joking sentence, but I genuinely mean it lol. Would never recommend anyone to live here, and I always recommend that people leave. 💀)

Went to my first Renaissance Fair and concert on the same day. It was quite the day—fam bullshit, might’ve lost a connection w a good friend I was starting to get to know… But I did get to see some cool things. I really liked the Ren Fair—just unfortunate timing so we couldn’t stay long. It was also my first concert. My brother got me merch. Danced in a mosh pit. Saw that most people were not wearing earplugs 😬 Had to leave early bc I’m not a night owl. I ended up being so wiped out.

Inner feelings-wise, I’ve been feeling impatient about “getting on with my life.” Logically I know it’s one step at a time, but my heart is just yearning for freedom and independence. I just feel like the odds are stacked up against me right now, or maybe it’s just too daunting considering I just freaking started a job so I should prob just chill. ತ_ತ

But I feel like I can’t. It’s like I have these monumental tasks in my head that are stressing me out bc I can’t just do them with the snap of my fingers. When did I get so impatient? Guess I’m just sick of my family’s lifestyle. I’m looking at the future I want and dealing with the frustrations of the present.

I guess it’s just human nature to find the next problem once you’ve taken a step forward. So I’m hoping this will all pass eventually. I’m planning on moving out in two years or so. (Kinda…cant just leave if I need to buy my own car and then aggressively pay it off.) Anyway, that’s just some of the thoughts that have been going through my head recently, so I’ve been feeling pooped. Just needed to vent.

Hope everyone’s had a good week.

When I was still job hunting, I found more new job postings in the first half of the week. Weekends are usually dead with the occasional rare new posting.

Maybe it’s the same people who enshittified dating apps hehe. And malls. And most third spaces…

Hope you get to rest this weekend.

Second week of my job and I’m having mixed feelings of, “oh I’m doing enough,” and “oh my god I need to do more.” It’s slow and I can’t tell how it’ll ramp up. Feels less busy than college. But. I am doing 12hr days again, basically, when including commute. Me no likey.

I don’t get why I was told I’d have more time for hobbies post grad by people working full time. I feel like the best time to explore is when you’re a kid (but if you had no access to resources, good luck lol?). 🤡

I mean I guess I still am trading my time for money which…might get me some time back? Eh. Point is I’m still figuring out work life balance. Still figuring out my career plans, as I know I should go up the ladder a bit more for stability. …man. sigh. I mean. Dude I just want the part where my brain throws a party and feels happier or safer. I wanna poke my brain with a stick for not operating.

Thank you! 🫂 I’m doing alright. Hopefully I can see them soon. In the meantime I’m planning on visiting my adoptive grandparents by the end of October.

And thank you! ⌯’▾’⌯ I’m hoping this will be a new start!

Got official written offer. I’ll start on the 21st.

Grandma also died. Grief is hitting differently bc I’m estranged with her, but it’s upsetting that I felt I wasn’t allowed to know her and by extension not know my family outside of parents and siblings. Now that she’s gone, I guess I’m now “permitted” to know more of my family. It’s complicated. I’m upset at myself for both things I could and couldn’t control.

But at least I’ll be able to see my cousins again soon.

Got a verbal offer for a job last Friday and I’m waiting for background check to process. I asked for a salary boost and they obliged this week. They also said my trip to my grandparents will most likely be approved.

I get a potential bonus up to 4k. 401k, health insurance, dental, vision, PTO, and holidays.

I won’t be making much to live by myself unless I really budget. But I’m making far more than I expected as a jr level designer. I’m on the higher end, especially in the area. Can’t help but think I got lucky. Nonetheless, I’m hoping this serves to be a good stepping stone.

I feel happy but anxious. This is what I’ve been building towards for years, but it happens in the blink of an eye. Feels strange. This of course opens up lovely family dynamics, like my mom asking for money ✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧ so fun. I mean ofc I’ll help out with the house, but I want to draw a line since I need to financially support myself. In regards to why she would want me to give her money for the house, when my dad pays for it… She’s being weird. She’ll get weirder.

Anyway. Yup. Strange but good times? Struggling to process how good this can and will be for me. Sigh, and one of the first things I have to get is a car. 💀

I turned down a job offer due to its lack of transparency and structure. I feel regret and relief. Someone told me I could’ve just taken the job and see how it would take off (as a very new startup), but I was eyeing their unguaranteed, unpredictable hours (no social outreach, online contact info, questionable timeliness, etc.) in conflict with my transportation logistics and said no. Plus…I’ve seen disorganized leadership before, and I detected it throughout the whole process.

They kept saying it might’ve been worth a try, though. And it’s like great, sure, stir up more of my regret and what ifs. I definitely declined it without any hesitation whatsoever.

Other than that, had another interview. It was weird and oddly short. Not confident.

Aaand…I pet my dog. A lot. He’s fluffy.

Graphic design. 🫠 Er, a worse market for sure. I have experience w internships and volunteering, but not at a full time job.

Still figuring out the niche I wanna head into. I prefer user psychology and design strategy tbh, but I feel like I’m spinning my wheels on that.

Well, 2 months and no job, but ik it’s rookie numbers. I know someone who got a job in 4 years. He’s doing well now but sheesh.

I’ve started working on my own designs again. Polishing my portfolio while figuring out how to reach out to folks for pro bono work haha. Unsure of what to show them. And I applied to Starbucks.

Other than that, reconnected with my cousins and cleared up silly family drama. Even though the economy is awful, it’s good to know there’s still family.

Thanks, I appreciate it. Oddly enough I’m waiting on the results for a another job now. Hope things are looking up for you too!

I learned that I’m a runner-up for a jr graphic design job, which is both discouraging and encouraging. I’m wrestling with this feeling of frustration by being second but also appreciative. I was commended and told if they had a second position available, they would’ve greatly considered me further. And yes, perhaps there were bureaucratic words littered in, but it did seem genuine, and that being put in second place was most likely a close call. I feel fairly optimistic about my relationship with them despite the circumstances.

Overall though, I’m just continuing the job hunting grind and planning some projects I’ve put off since university. Still going strong!

I graduated, so I’ve been decompressing and occasionally looking at jobs when I see something on an app. Hoping my screwed up college time perception from gets fixed soon—I hate knowing what’s on my schedule but not knowing what today is. It’s so discombobulating.

Got another interview coming up. Feel mixed on returning to family, but it’s not like my college town was gonna be my forever home… It hurts to close a chapter. I’m worried I’ll return to old bad habits when I live with fam. Trying to remind myself that I’m different now.

I got my first full time job interview tomorrow! I’ve been applying to jobs slowly, but I currently have an advantage in my design cohort because my portfolio site is basically done.

I also somehow connected with folks in my college town that are from the old guard of design. He told me to relax and that I’ll be fine, haha (☍◡⁰) and then gave me his designer friend’s contact— his friend has connections throughout the community.

I’m conflicted about graduating. But also, I want my hobby time back. Excited, scared, and confused!

Today I put some cocoa powder in my cup and then chucked it into the sink instead of adding milk. I’m sleep deprived.

Couple nights ago I baked red velvet cheesecake cupcakes with friends instead of attending class. No regrets. Been focusing on self care because of how burnt out I’ve been since last year.

I’ve noticed a lot of college students are doing two jobs now on top of full time school. Kids are also struggling more in tutoring sessions because they lack the understanding in basic concepts, like exponents… And of course there’s more use in AI, so TAs complain about how no one is really putting effort into their assignments anymore.

Happy New Year. Just resting. Hope everyone gets to rest.

The book sounds interesting! How do you like it so far? Ik that we bred sheep to basically rely on us, but that’s about all I know.

Life is indescribably insufferable right now. Shit keeps hitting the fan. For example, a cat I was just getting to know from my bf’s family died. He booped my nose with his nose and I was like, yay, he likes me. ;-;

In other news, school. I paid my price in sanity this semester. I don’t recommend having 2 part time jobs plus internship while doing a full time liberal arts degree if you can help it. I hope to regain some of my sanity in roughly a week from now.

I’ll be spending Christmas alone or working. But I think I might need to hermit after everything… e Even then there’s just always something that has to be done. Life is a lot. Just glad that I basically have one semester left after this.

Just thought of something to look forward to. I get to pet my fam dog soon.

Stressed, exhausted, ready for vacation/more hw time. A company reached out to recruit me, but there are rumors about the skill assessment being very difficult, and frankly I’m ass at math and math word problems. It also might not be 100% multiple choice, so chances of me passing are even slimmer.

So I’m accepting that I’ll probably fail and continue with my current gruesome plan on finishing my design portfolio… which hasn’t been making progress because of all the jobs and full time school I do.

I don’t think I’ll celebrate Christmas with anyone this year. It’s always been my favorite holiday, but currently it’s a painful reminder of how messy and confusing my relationships are right now. I don’t think my bf is going to visit me even though he said he would— bad economy, after all. Just really sucks when we’ve talked about it a lot…and it was what I saw as the light at the end of this hellish tunnel of a semester. Oh well.

I don’t know what I’m looking forward to right now.

Ugh. I want a break from life.

In a few weeks I’ll be petting my dog, hugging my boyfriend, and tolerating family. I’ve hit a low lower than burnout this semester— oops. But roughly a month left… So hopefully this all resolves and I can breathe a bit during winter break. Senior year. Yippee.